My Massage

A great girl friend I shall call AC bought me a massage for Christmas and today is when I went. Let me tell you about it.

The girl who greeted me at the door was so full of energy that I hated her already. Only because I have minus zero energy but she was friendly and way too happy not to like so I jest, I didn’t hate her.

Once I was naked except for my knickers, I lay down on my stomach as I was instructed. My worry was that half of me was going to fall off the little massage bed but thankfully, my fat parts stuck to me enough not to fall off.

One thing did feel very strange was my boozies. While I was laying on my stomach with my head through a hole in the bed, my boozies felt like that were going to come out of my back! The pain was horrid. I wondered how I was going to lay here for an hour with that kind of pain. I also wondered why they didn’t have two extra holes in the table for this reason. I would much prefer my boozies hanging though holes that the feeling of them being squished by my weight.

Anyhoo, ends up that you do get used to that discomfort so I survived that bit. It always makes me wonder why masseuse’s don’t put something pretty to look at under that hole.

So, whilst this energiser bunny worked on my body as thought it was a lump of dough, I didn’t think I would survive. Her fingers pushed and prodded parts that hadn’t been touched in years, simply because I didn’t even know they existed. She was massaging my glutes (that is my bum for normal people like me) because it eases the pressure in my lower back. Who’d a thought that? Well it did but anyway, the pain was excruciating! Maybe AC wasn’t really my friend at all, maybe she had planned this pain and discomfort….

Another thing I didn’t realise was you really get the urge to fart. Well, you might not but I certainly felt the urge. I wanted to ask her if anyone had ever farted while she was massaging but didn’t want to upset here and cause her to push a little deeper into my tender body. So I held my question (and fart) inside.

Through the hole in the bed I did notice that my energiser bunny had the most amazing feet. I have always loved pedicures but only as an absolute treat because I wondered who on earth spent their time looking at peoples feet (except those weirdos who get off on that kind of thing) but now I know that lovely looking feet are really nice.

For 60 minutes she kneeded, prodded, poked, soothed, oiled and massaged me to the tunes of birds (could have been dolphins also) and all done by candle light and a little lamp. Once she had finished I felt amazing! I almost floated out of that place. It was gorgeous.

The only worry I had (besides death) was drinking once I had gotten home. I was incredibly worried that I would be like a colander and spurt water out of all the holes the energiser bunny had poked into me. Don’t worry though, it didn’t happen thank goodness and I still feel amazing.

Included in AC’s gift was yoga classes so I shall book myself in for one of those real soon.

Gaining Weight

Ok, who's stupid idea was it to start a diet in december? Well, it was my doctor but geez, do you have any idea how hard this is?

I got right down to 80.2 kilos and then I ate something and had a little drinkie (and i mean little) and am now back up to 80.8. grr. And now, it is New Years Eve and as we are doing nothing this year except hanging out with Dog and babysitting another dog who we will call little dog, how am I supposed to behave today?

I'll tell you how, I WONT! In an hour, some poor woman is going to have to kneed this fat back into an aromatherapy relaxation (great friend bought me a massage for Christmas) and then, I shall return home after an hour of that to enjoy the first of my New Years Eve drinkies.

Seriously, fairs fair ok? I have had to endure gorgeous food smells from boyfriend and watch him tuck into pizzas, egg and bacon on muffins, beers etc. Even the dogs food started to smell amazing. So today, I shall enjoy myself and get back on track tomorrow.

See Through Jeans

It moved! Yep, I felt it and even saw it. My gorgeous and full Pandora bracelet has been imbedded into my wrist for well over a year. I feared losing it not too long ago because it looked like the skin was starting to grow over it but today, it moved. My wrists are on their way to Skinny Town!

I can now wriggle my wrist and hand and my bracelet turns a little bit. The holes in my wrist from where the bracelet used to live are disappearing too. One day soon I might be able to put my watch on. I think I still have a way to go for that though. I must have had the wrists of a 6 year old before becoming a fatty though because that watch is tiny! And no, I am not buying a new watch when I have a perfectly good, $245 guess watch that I bought myself.

Anyway, something else happened on Wednesday that I completely forgot to tell you about. So I’ll do it now ok?

We were aloud to wear casual closes to work on Wednesday because we were going out to celebrate Christmas as a work team. I did manage to have a sensational lunch that the hotel provided for me but we wont talk about that because something huge happened.

I went to the toilet before we went off to lunch. Everyone probably knows by now how fascinated with toilets and toilet business I am so this will come as no surprise but, when I was waiting for Mr Poopie (they take a while to come out on this new diet) I was bored and was checking out my pretty undies. They were red and I always imagine myself as a bit of a girl Superman with them on. A part of my undies looked weird and as I moved them a bit to look at the seam, I realised I could see the toilet floor and a part of my shoe!! OMG I couldn’t believe it. It is like being in a car with no floor. Well, ok,  it probably isn’t like that at all because the floor wasn’t moving but you know what I mean. I then moved my girl Superman undies out of the way and looked at the inside of my jeans.

THEY WERE SEE THROUGH!  My thighs had become such good friends that whilst they rubbed together on my walks and so forth, they had worn away the fabric between my legs! And remember from an earlier discussion we had, my knees had become enemies and wouldn’t go near each other? Well that means that while I have been sitting around with my knees hating on each other, my knickers had probably been seen by the whole world!

Now, I hear you saying that due to my thighs being best friends and all, they would hide the see through bits right? Well you are wrong because now they aren’t liking each other as much as before and they are growing apart!

Unfortunately, as I have yet to wake up skinny (but still on the way) I have absolutely no other jeans that fit and am wearing them today. I tried to find my black girl Batman knickers but to no avail so I have skin coloured ones on. I thought this was the next best thing to black but I have since realised that if anyone sees me they are going to think I have no knickers on at all. Somedays I just shouldn’t bother trying LOL. I am quite a twit. Even the white ones would have been better than skin colour. At least my ‘down there’ looks a little tanned LMAO

Numbers

Here is the full picture. I am not sure what you are picturing I look like besides gorgeous so I am going to assist you today with some numbers.

Remember how I used to be skinny right? Well, skinny in my world is 60 kilos. I am five foot and nothing inches so even 60 kilos looked a little on the bigger side but I still fit into normal sized clothes and felt ok about myself.

Once I became a huge fatty, my weight went right up to 89 kilos. It was at this weight that my lovely, wonderful, wise, amazing, patient and understanding doctor sent me off for two tests and found the answer. Anyway, that is explained in a previous blog so I wont bore you by telling you again.

Anyhoo, when I started my new liver and pancreas diet (to repair liver and pancreas, not eat them), I was 87.5 kilos! My stomach was 45 inches! Massive I know and that is why I kept doctor shopping to find out why I looked pregnant all the time.

As of today, the 16^th of December, 2011, I have lost 5.8 kilos! OMG I know! So I now weigh 81.7 kilos. I am walking 2.5 kms in the morning to work and again 2.5 kms home again in the arvo. My stomach is now 40 inches which I am pretty happy with.

It is a lie when people say you start to love exercise so don’t believe it. I do it because I have to work for a living LOL. I have my motorbike but it is crashed and unregistered and my boyfriend has my car in the country all week so I have to walk. It is good having to walk because otherwise I think I would be inclined to take the motorbike.

Having said that, now the blubber is falling off me, it does motivate me to attempt to enjoy the walk so I do wear my headphones and listen to my music.

Am I hungry? No. do I feel like a beer and burger? YES but I know that I am doing what is best for my inside fat parts so I will continue eating my sticks of celery, carrot and cucumber, enjoy my berries for breakfast and steamed veg and fish for dinner.

Oh Yeah Baby - Shaking that Arse......

5.2 kilos baby in 10 days! Ooooohhhh yeah, shaking them hips, moving my booteah! It’s happening. I have hit the first big one. The big 5 KILO mark!

And…. My boozies are now bigger than my belly!

Close your eyes and imagine me curtseying you all.

Back later……….

I've lost the Duck Waddle!

Lets start with my weight loss – 4.9 Kilos in 7 days thank you

There are HUGE changes going on that I just had to share but first, I’ll have a whinge.

You know how fatties lost weight and you can’t tell for aaaaaages because they are so fat? Well I must be one of those because I have lost 4.9 kilos (almost 5 kilos yippeee) but no one has noticed L and to be honest, I can’t tell where I have lost all of this weight so it must be on the inside bits.

I have noticed some weird things happening though. One of the biggest things was this morning when I was tying  up my shoe laces. I thought it felt weird and then I realised I wasn’t being suffocated by my boobs which are normally pushed up by my stomach! I could actually reach and tie my shoelaces up and maintain my breathing!! Normally it would be a bit of a darth vadar moment struggling for breath whilst trying to see over my mounds of flesh just to find my shoe laces. I would then have to come up for air and then go back down there to tie them. Now I just tie them up!

And, when walking to work this morning I noticed I didn’t need the majority of the foot path because my arms weren’t sticking out like they normally do, they were by my side. I’ll give you a better description so you understand what I am rambling about. Usually I have a bit of a duck waddle going on right? And just like a body builder (or wanna be bodybuilder) my arms don’t touch my sides not due to muscle but due to fat! But that has ceased. Cool huh?

Now, please do not read the next bit if you are eating or don’t like to talk about poo but OMG my poops stink! Seriously, I am eating nothing but raw veg and steamed veg and fish. There are no sauces, dairy, gluten, oils NOTHING I tell you. And once I have been to the loo, it smells like a barn. Soooo grose and am very much hoping that changes and that my poops go back to smelling like pretty flowers.

My worry about myself is, I am such a square now L. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, don’t eat naughty food……. What do I do? Nothing that’s what. I am wondering what naughty stuff I can do. And I come up with nothing. Maybe I could say a swear word in front of my mum (really quietly but say it all the same).

I’ll be back later. I need to think of something naughty to do…….

I'M SHRINKING

Whooo Hooo! I have lost 4 kilos in five days! I know I know, I am supposed to lose weight slowly but who am I to argue with my almost skinny body? Ok, so I am a fair way off being skinny but geez, 4 kilos!

If you read the last blog on all of the things I can not eat then you’ll probably understand why I have lost so much weight. And before you go calling my mum because you are concerned about some sort of eating disorder I will develop, don’t bother because I LOVE FOOD!

How has this happened I hear you ask? You have your pen and paper ready for my current diet. Righteo. Try having steamed cauliflower for breakfast. Yep, nice huh? And carrot sticks and celery sticks and any other vegetable stick you can think of for morning tea, lunch and arvo tea. For dinner I steam some fish with more veg and that is my day done!

There are no more boiled eggs. This is ruining me because I love a couple of cackleberries in the morning but who am I to argue with whats best for my health. I am also missing my cups of coffee. These have been replaced with peppermint tea and green tea.

I just re read what I wrote and I sound like a vegan, tree hugging hippie! Well don’t get me wrong because a little big of drool comes out when work mate sits and eats his egg and bacon toasted sandwich in the morning. My eyes cross over when I see other work mate enjoying his ham sandwiches on fresh white bread.  A little tear rolls down my face when I see an advert for a Christmas turkey just out of the oven with all the trimmings.

Its not easy to do this diet so I wish for you all to see me as a hero of some sort.

Besides the lack of food and taste and flavours, the other crapola thing about this diet is the lack of energy. Wow, I really feel like I am a bag of nothing wandering around not knowing what on earth I am doing. I can’t think straight and I practically have to drag myself to work at a reasonable pace and it is an effort not to allow myself to stop. Seriously, how do these people with that eat next to nothing a day manage to get things done? I can barely remember my own name most of the time let alone remember to speak to someone when asked a question. Thankfully I now have vitamin and mineral supliments so that should assist the brain and body to work as normally. Not that either did a great job before but I need all the help I can get.

I worked out that a poop weighs in at about 200 grams for anyone who has been wondering about that. And no, I didn’t weigh it in the kitchen scales because that would be too grose even for me but I weighed myself before and after one and wowza! Pretty impressive hey?

That is all for now. I need to go an find some more ‘sticks’ of something to eat

Fat on the Inside - Skinny on the Outside

Sorry for the delay in blogs but I am still here and still fat but have the most amazing news ever……. I may be able to give up the blog and start one called, I woke up skinny!

My doctor has diagnosed my fatness! Before I tell you what it is, I shall tell you what other doctors and people have said my ‘issue’ was. Keep in mind I was a smallish size before I developed a huge protruding stomach. The rest of my body fattened up at a later date but with regards to my stomach, here are some diagnoses

1. You eat too many carbs, have you thought of cutting down? My reply “do you think I ate a whole bag of potatoes last night?
2. It is probably just wind – they prescribed charcoal tablets. Let me tell you,  if my massive stomach (looked about 8 months worth of pregnancy) was a heap of wind, I would have needed a motorbike helmet for the time the wind came out. That wind would have sent me shooting straight to the roof!
3. It’s a beer gut, give up the beer and your gut will disappear (no it didn’t work)
4. You are gulping too much air while you sleep and when you eat. (another wind issue)

I had had so many ultra sounds, CT scans, MRI’s, saw Chinese herbalist, natrupath, dietician, doctors and went on who knows how many diets.

Thankfully I persisted and saw a doctor who was recommended to me from my wonderful cousin. Even though my new doctor made me stay fat for another year (yes, I had bigger issues than my stomach and bum), I am glad she found the reason for my fatness!

It is …………… a fatty liver and pancreas. Yep, no gas or carb issues, no beer guy or too much air when I eat, it is a liver and pancreas thing. So there you have it. I am not fat all all, well ok, I am fat on the inside but not on the outside!

All I have to do now is lose the inside fat and it’ll show my skinniness on the outside!!

I have more tests tomorrow but have started the new ‘diet for the liver and pancreas” today which I am not loving but I will love the results.

This is the list of foods I can NOT have

• Eggs (oh I will miss my cackleberries)
• ALCOHOL
• All sugar
• All dairy
• All gluten
• All fats and processed foods
• All preservatives
• Corn
• Coffee and Tea
• Soft Drinks
• Warm water seafood
• Lamb
• Pork
• Processed meats eg: ham

That is all I can think of right now and also, this list is making me too hungry for all the things I can’t have. I am at work wondering what I can eat for a snack. So, I am going to the supermarket on my lunch break to buy celery, carrots, cucumber and smoked salmon. That should be a nice selection of snacks.

So, this is my exciting news. I shall keep you all updated on my progress. This is day one and I am feeling skinny already, I just don’t look it that’s all J

Signing off

The Soon to be skinny!

Small Thought

I weighed myself this morning and found out I lost 800 grams in 7 days.

My small thought today is, how much does a Poop weigh?

I have more to say but now is not the time, stay tuned!

Hide and Seek

My new game when I go out is to play either hide and seek or to become a secret sleuth. I am sure my fellow fatties will know this game and some may even play it too. Here is what the game is for you skinny lurkers who read my blog.

I went to a supermarket recently and it wasn’t my local one so I was a bit excited about what they might have at their supermarket. Now, because I was in unfamiliar territory, I had to keep my eye out for People of the Past. These are people I haven’t seen in some time and who may get the ‘deer in headlight’ eyes when they see my new curvaceous figure. So, I am wandering along with my little shopping basket when I see someone! OMG it is a Person of the Past, and there is no way I want to be seen so I quickly turn the other way and swiftly, but not too obviously, walk to the end of the aisle, swing a right and head two aisles away. I then look through the aisles, thankfully this one has see through shelves and I can just glimpse them. They are now in the next aisle.

This super sleuth needs to be done in such a discrete way so as to not alert the security guy that is sitting in his office watching his monitor wondering what the hell this strange woman (me) is doing. You also don’t want to alert other shoppers because they might call the said security guard and that would be a whole different blog.

I found myself burning up a hell of a lot calories trying to avoid Person of the Past but am buzzing about so quickly and frantically at once stage (in the fruit and veg section where there is no where to hide) that I almost knock over a display of mandarins! Note to Supermarket People, big towers of fruit are NOT ACCEPTABLE! Imagine if I had knocked the stupid display over? Person of the Past would have seen me instantly and that would have been disastrous.

So, now that I am amazing at avoiding People of the Past in supermarkets, I have to now ensure there is enough petrol in the car to take me to another supermarket because I get so flustered that I forget half of what I even went to the supermarket for!

Tents

Big problems are arising. There is no escaping this one and I am in a right old pickle about it all. I have no where to turn. I don’t have enough money to escape it.

ITS SUMMER!

Shit, that means one thing… let the flab hang out. Seeings as though I just sweat my way through winter, summer is not going to be a walk in the park. Well, I can’t imagine even walking to the letter box out the front of my house let alone to the park but that is a whole separate issue.

SUMMER.

If I was rich I would catch the next flight out of Australia. Summer and me do not get along. We are not friends. At least in winter I can blame the bulk on extra clothing. Not that I got to do that this winter with the fatty sweats I had. Remember those? When I thought I was going through menopause and it just so happened it was fatty fat fat making me sweat so much. Which reminds me, have you ever smelt the sweat underneath your boozies? GROSE! Try it next time you feel a bit of sweat there and no, do not attempt yoga to smell it, just run your finger under your boobies and then smell.

Geez. I can not believe I just gave instructions on how to smell your boozie sweat.

So, back to summer ok? Last weekend I had to go to the tent section of my wardrobe to find something most suitable for a damn hot day. There is no dress on the market that I have found that suits a fatty. And what really shits me too is the fact that there are invisible insects that live in my wardrobe that nibble on my clothes reducing their size each season.

So, I put on a tent that felt amazing last season, it had room and even had a bit of a ‘flow’ happening. Now that the insects have had their nibbles, well, three course meal, this dress now fit as snug as a bug in a rug which is not how one wants to feel on a hot day! And to add to that, now that I am some what fatter, the dress snug and the big sweats happening, I now look like I am in a tennis dress with a bag full of tennis balls in my bum and having played ten billion rounds of tennis. Either that or my dress looks like it is a few different colours instead of one.

One can not wear a dress that tight made of a tshirt material with sweats! Or bumps. Or even having had a glass of water. Note to all dress makers. If you are going to make a dress sized fat, do not make it out of t-shirt material which shows everything!

As you have probably figured now, I do not look forward to summer. I barely look forward to spring.  I will cross my fingers that Moo Moo’s come back into fashion real quick otherwise I am stuffed this summer.

Oh, about the diet, I am going to start it again on Monday because I quit for a while due to it not working. Seriously, is there such a thing as a diet that works? I am starting to wonder if I should take up smoking again, or maybe get into drugs (no idea where I would start) or something.

That is all for now

He Found Out I Am Fat :(

He knows. Oh Shit, now there is no hiding it. My BF somehow found out I am fat. And how did I find this out you ask? Well I shall tell you.

It was a lovely weekend afternoon and the dog was really annoying me wanting to do dog things. Like, play with toys and run and it was too much for me to even try to put up with while I was relaxing so I decided I would take him for a walk to the park.

Everyone has their own way of doing things and my way of taking the dog for a walk to the park is to get into the car, drive to the park and let him chase the ball. Sounds good huh? Well, not to someone it doesn’t!

I picked up the keys , put the lead and collar on the dog and went to walk out the door. Boyfriend says to me, ‘why are you taking the car to walk the dog? Why don’t you walk him to the park?”

OMG, it was at that exact moment I knew he knew. I could hear him in my head calling me a fatty. Well I’ll fix his little red wagon (what ever that means) so I threw the keys onto the sofa, glared at him and stormed out of the house with dog. I was furious. And mortified. How long had he known? He was forcing me to walk to get skinny. What about my sore knee? What about sunburn? What if the dog got so tired at the park and needed to be carried home? He is a very big dog you know and too heavy to carry.

Well, as I walked off, I deliberately walked slow just so I wouldn’t lose any weight for you know who!! That’ll teach him for knowing stuff.

I know that doesn’t sound very logical but why didn’t he get up and walk the dog. He isn’t Mr Universe you know. The park may only be one and a half streets away (about four minutes walk) but it can be dangerous too. I have to walk past a pub full of happy people drinking drinks and eating food. Boyfriend didn’t think about that now did he? Also, Dog gets very scared of his own reflection in windows so I have to plan my street and a half walk to ensure I don’t walk past the two little windows whereby dog could very well pull the lead and rip my arm out of its socket.

See, everyone seems to think walking the dog is simple but it does come with some dangers and for someone of my size, if I get pulled over, I am pretty sure people would run after a huge dog with the risk of getting bitten than try to haul me up off the ground. Lucky for boyfriend it was an uneventful walk, nothing bad happened and dog came back tired. So did I for that matter because I forgot to walk slow and ended up walking a long way and a pretty decent speed.

Unfortunately I still haven’t woken up skinny but since that weekend walk, there have been quite a few more and, don’t tell boyfriend but, I walked two times to the park yesterday and dog slept all night without bothering me with demands of playing toys with him J

I think I also worked out how boyfriend found out I was fat. There are a few books around the house containing fitness and diet tips. Michelle Bridges books are here as well as the duken diet book, two 1 litre tubs of protein meal replacement powders, the stair master under the stairs, the dumbbells I use to prop a door open. I guess it was only time when he started putting 2 and 2 together hey? 

Are they sausage fingers or are you just happy to see me? oh, a sausage would be nice.......

More realisations of just how fat I am came about at the local café today.

Boss Lady took me to a coffee shop for a little tete a tete all about me and she even bought me a cuppa.

Once it was bought to the table I realised that my finger wouldn’t fit through the hole in the coffee cup handle! OMG what was I supposed to do because it was too bloody hot to pick up and I wasn’t going to be there all day talking to boss lady… so I had to point it out to her.

Well, didn’t she just think this was a riot! She laughed and laughed when I told her I couldn’t put my finger in the hole of the handle. I looked at her cup and she had a fancy schmancy cup with a bloody huge hole that even I could have fit all of my fingers into.

So, whilst she sat enjoying her cuppa, I proceeded to blow and blow like the big bad wolf to cool my coffee down. I really wanted this coffee and could smell it but couldn’t get it up into my mouth. 

Finally, I drank my coffee but am now doing finger exersizes on my desk in the desperate hope to lose some finger weight before my next coffee in a café.

On a side note, I am still doing the Dukan diet and the bloody thing is broken. Yes, the diet is broken because I stopped losing weight at 3.5kg. now, it could possibly be because I rode my motorbike to work every single day and maybe because there was strongbow at the bottleshop that needed me to buy and put into my fridge and drink but surely, I could have lost about another 20 kilos but nooooooo, I didn’t. 

So, I have decided the best course of action is to just stop for a while and start again and lucky for me, there is a three day weekend starting in 2 hours and 45 minutes whereby I will eat, drink and be merry (practicing for Christmas time) and start again on Tuesday. Surely the diet will work much better after this ok.

Stay tuned……….am about to wake up skinny any week now J

I'm Shrinking!

Woke this morning and hopped on those scales and low and behold, another kilo of me has gone missing. This is now impressing me a great deal and am liking this Dukan Diet more and more.

I have completed ten days of 100% protein and whilst I do love meat and stuff at the best of times, I am totally amazed that my sweet cravings have just disapeared.

Apparently, I can now introduce some veg and salad into my diet and once I get the book back, I'll have a read and see what I can have and for how long.

If you happen to find my 3.5 missing kilos, do not return them to me thanks!

xx on the way to skinnydom

Still Wobbly

I have received a couple of emails asking if I m ok. If I have woken up skinny. The simple and most honest answer is no. I have not woken up skinny and yes, I am ok.

Unfortunately I haven't had the miracle success I expected from the Dukan Diet but I am persisting. I have lost 2.5kg but that is where it has stopped. While I eat cow after chicken after egg, I haven't moved since I lost 2.5kg. Dont  misuderstand me, I have MOVED as far as walking in the heat, longer distance, but it hasn't done anything! Still, my loss stays at 2.5kg.

Am thinking...... I might just give up on losing wieght. Oh  I know, I hear you, I say that but I dont meant it. 

I shall sleep on it and let you know how I feel tomorrow because right now, I feel like a cheeseburger, a couple of blocks of cadbury chocolate family blocks, a carton or two of some kind of gluten free beer/strongbow cider and a lamb roast or two......

Stay tuned, I'm HungryQ 

I POOPED!

Five beautiful little nuggets were expelled last night. Thank goodness! I am on the mend.

Oh, and have now lost 2kg in four days (today is day five).

....Waiting

Still. No. Poop. :(

The Mystery of the Missing Fart (and poop)

I am fearing an explosion very soon. There has to be a back log in my bum area surely. Not only have I not pooped, but I haven’t farted either! I have images of a big poop laughing at the little gas pockets because it wont let it out.

So, when I eventually poop, is there going a huge pocket of gas that will come out and lift me off the toilet? I used to fart all day and all night and now I have nothing. Not even one of those little squeakers.

What is going on in my bum that I don’t know of? Is it the dukes diet that is stopping my natural bodily functions? Or is this how ‘normal’ people live? It has been so long since I have been a skinny but I am pretty sure I pooped at least once a day and if I didn’t do rumbling farts, I am pretty certain my bum blew the occasional tune or two.

Where does the gas come from? I have heard it comes from green veggies and baked beans so perhaps, due to my eating nothing but meat, I have no gas production anymore. Whilst this may be a good thing, sometimes it is funny to drop a big one and have everyone leave the room so I can then change the tv chanel to what I want.

If there is a silent gas production happening, what happens when the big poop doesn’t let it through and it builds up to dangerous levels? Do I then explode? Will bits of me be all over the office? I wonder if I Google ‘Missing Farts” what would come up. Does anyone else worry about their poops and farts as much as me? Am I alone in this world with my thoughts on body functions?

Stay tuned to the owner of a now tuneless bum

Day Three of the Dukes

I Still Haven't Pooped!!

According to the enemy (my scales) I have lost 1.1kg but I dont understand how that can be seeing as I haven't pooped in two days now.

Where is my POO?

Another thing I have noticed is my wee wee's are crystal clear. I think I could pass it off as a high quality spring water it is that clear. Not sure what happened to my pretty coloured science experiments I used to wee out so I will not only keep an eye out for my poop but will monitor my wee's now as well.

Stay tuned........

Where is my POO?

Just a quick one......... I haven't pooed today.

Those of you who have read earlier posts know I am almost obsessed with Poo. Now with the Dukes Diet, I can't poop. I have never been constipated but I am worried that this is what is happening. Who doesn't poo? You have to poo! How long should I wait until I go back to the doctor?

I was just at the doctor today and it didn't occur to me that I hadn't pooped yet because I had an early appointment. Now I am very worried. I usually poop quite a few times a day.

WHERE IS MY POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Dukan Diet v's Me

Right. Totally motivated with my new diet. The Dukan Diet! It says I will lose a gazillion pounds (am not sure how much a pound is worth in Australian measurements but sounds heaps hey?) in no time and I will see results in the first day! Well, it is day two and am still a fatty!

Prior to trying this Dukan Diet, I tried Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. The only real transformation I had during that twelve weeks was I became a better cook due to new recipes. The beginners exercise made no sense to read let alone DO! So I moved on to my next adventure and left Michelle behind.

Following the failure of the Michelle Bridges diet and exercise program, I participated in the Dry July where by I consumed no alcohol for a whole month and then continued into the next month. Still no weight loss.

Then came the meal replacement protein shakes. Whist this was the best one yet, I put on 2 and a half kilos! I replaced too bloody meals with milk shakes and put ON weight!! What is with that??

So now I am on the Dukan. Lets call it the Dukes because that sounds a whole lot better ok? Now, I am only aloud to eat protein for the first five days. When I read that I was like NOICE! I love meat!

Day 1’s food was

2 Boiled eggs

100 grams of Lean Roast Beef

1 Porterhouse Steak

2 Chicken breast fillets without skin

5.5 litres of water (not including my herbal cup of tea I forced down)

So, that is a great deal of meat huh? Remember I said I love meat? Well, last night when I opened the fridge, I saw a cucumber. It almost had a halo around it. I almost started dribbling just looking at the cucumber! Then, out of the corner of my eye, there was a carrot!! Please oh please let me have a bite! Just a small one? But no, in the book it says this line quite a lot

THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!

I couldn’t argue with Dr Dukan now could I? So,  I quickly shut the fridge and ran back into the lounge room. It was a very difficult moment for me, the room was spinning, I was tingling all over. It took all my strength to eat my steak and ignore the cucumber, the carrot, the yumminess of vegetables. What bloody diet doesn’t let you have a carrot? Well, this one obviously but it isn’t fair.

So now, am on day two of Dukes. I am supposed to have lost some pounds already according to the book but I am still in my size fat clothes. I even walked to work yesterday and then walked home. That is over 5 kilometers of activity and there were moments I thought I couldn’t go on. That I might have to phone someone to pick me up. Breathing was tight. I was getting light headed. Ok, so it wasn’t that bad but it was hard work all the same.

I also had my implanon removed (that is a contraception which was in my arm to prevent temporary fatness whereby you end up with a baby) and surely that has been a contributor to my fatness hey? There is a strong feeling in me that this object was in fact the major cause of my fatness. So either tomorrow or the next day at the latest, it is highly likely I will wake up back to my normal weight of skinniness and this blog will change to I WOKE UP SKINNY – THE END.

Show Us Ya Boobs! (i cant) *sob*

Where are my boozies? Seriously! They have disappeared overnight. I am pretty sure I had a reasonably sized set yesterday but today…. No where to be found and yes, I did check to see if they were moonlighting as my kneecaps.

The only bonus I could find for being a fatty was having a decent set of boobies. As a skinny, I had none but as a fatty, oh Mama, I had some beauties. Ok, I wasn’t Miss Anderson or an Angelina Jolie but I was doin ok for a ‘larger sized woman’. Now, they have gone. Kaput. Moved out. Not sure what I shall flaunt now.

My understanding of all this walking to and from work each day is that these boozies of mine have been dancing to a different tune to the rest of my body and it is THEY that have lost weight. Why couldn’t my bum cheeks have been swinging away losing weight? Or a neck roll or two?  Why my boozies? I want them back. Now I just look like a butter ball without my cleavage.

It isn’t as though I was flashing them all over the place but they continued to make me feel womanly and curvy. Now I am just round. Blugh. I don’t like round. If someone bumps into me on my lunch break today I am afraid that I will roll away instead of trip. There is nothing to stop me rolling now. I don’t have a big nose or anything else protruding out of me, just one big bloody round ball.

I am going for a massage on my neck and shoulders today at the Mr Chinaman so perhaps when he massages my shoulder blades, he’ll push my boozies back out and I’ll be voluptuous again instead of round. How do I ask for this in an Asian accent. (he doesn’t speak very good English). Oh he is a professional, I’m sure he’ll realise what happened to my boozies once he starts massaging my back.

The way I see it, this walking thing isn’t doing much at all for me right now except taking away my girls and giving me a sore neck and shoulders.

That is all (for now)

The Fat Suit and Shakes

I bought a fat suit. Yep, you know what I am talking about. Those huge big massive pants that go up to your boozies and down to your knees and suck the fat in. I must say I was a bit scared to start with wondering where the fat goes. Like, am I going to put this thing on and become super skinny and then my head explodes because the fat went all the way up! Or was I going to have saggy baggy knees because the fat came out the bottom of the pants? Well, obviously neither happened but wow! Are these things ugly or what?

Going to the toilet is always an experience for me but now, I have to give myself an extra ten minutes just to get everything off! Pulling them back on is a challenge too because I need a bit more room and there just isn’t enough of it in the cubicle.

What really annoyed me is that I look nothing like the lady on the tag of my new wonder pants. Why put a size six model on a “size fat” pair of fat suckers? Having said that, I don’t want to see a size fat model in these things either so perhaps they should just have a drawing of the pants or something.

So with a weeks worth of walking, wearing a fat suit and drinking meal supplement shakes for two out of three meals, I have lost a whopping 500 grams! Are you shitting me? this is just stupid! Perhaps I am already at my ideal weight? What if all of the books are wrong? They tell me I should be substantially lighter but according to who? I mean, I can buy size fat clothes everywhere, I can fit on my office chair without hanging all over the place (hang on while up pick a boob up of the ground), right, now I am not hanging all over the place, I can get from A to B without the need for a crane. So, why do I have to lose weight?

Thankfully, the shakes are yummy so I will continue having them for the time being. I am really running out of time and motivation. I have 127 days to be fit and fabulous before I turn the HUGE 40.

I have heard that the more you do something the easier it becomes. So tell me why, when I wake up in the morning, I walk like a 90 year old!? I can barely get one foot in front of the other and my entire body hurts. I feel like I need a human sized bandaid to put on me because I can’t work out where the pain starts and finishes. After five days of walking I was exhausted! I did not start to enjoy it and it didn’t get any easier so the next person who tells me this lie might just get a face full of abuse.

Something positive did occur on the day five of walking though. My boss said to me that I looked like I was glowing. (no, she wasn’t looking for information as to weather I am fat or pregnant because she knows I am just fat). So I felt a bit chuffed with her comment and just glowed for the rest of my day. I didn’t think much more of it until Saturday when boyfriend (not a big one for compliments) said the exact same thing, that I looked like I was glowing and happy. Well blow me down with a feather. It must be true if boyfriend said it too!

Anyhoo, you’ve listened to me ramble long enough but I will leave you with this discovery, exersize makes your body do strange things like ….. give you a period and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT

I am just like Forrest Gump (sort of)

Yes yes I am still fat but I haven’t disappeared so fear not.

Unfortunately I don’t have much to report but I will keep you up to date with my current goings on.

Today is Wednesday at night time so that means I have been walking for three days. On Monday I had to attend a course that wasn’t far from home and instead of dolling myself up in my motorbike gear, I decided to walk. OK, so it wasn’t my whole idea to walk but that of my boyfriend who seemed a little surprised I would even consider transport when I really wasn’t very far from the building. It is obvious he has completely forgotten that I had a serious knee injury not that long ago. Ok, might have been a month or so ago… ok, longer than that but that’s not the point. I did hurt my knee a while back.

So anyway, I couldn’t decide on Monday morning if I should ride the simple and easy scooter or be super cool to all my new class mates with my motorbike or to suck it up and walk. I decided to walk and OMG, so totally a Forrest Gump moment because I also walked home after the course! Yep, that was all my decision. I could have caught a taxi, called a friend or rung mum and told her the old knee was playing up but I didn’t. I walked! About seven minutes into my 15 minute walk home I did start to wonder if I had indeed made the wisest decision but there was no turning back, people were looking (they were around and probably not looking at me but they were looking at something ok?) so I put one foot in front of the other and made it home! As you can imagine, not a lot gone done on Monday night due to the intensity of the work out on my body.

Tuesday came and I must have been in some sort of delirium because I walked again! (told you it was a Forrest Gump moment but it was in slow motion because I wasn’t running). I walked the 15 minutes to the course and you guessed it, walked home too! I went out for dinner that night and ate everything in site due to my new found metabolism. I thought I had had that removed around the same time as my wisdom teeth.

Like I said earlier, it is now Wednesday night and OUCH! I think I have broken a thing or two. I assumed I was some kind of super athlete this morning because you guessed it, walked again but this time it was a true marathon. I walked to work! Yep, I did. Can’t prove it so you’ll just have to take my word for it but I did it. Work is exactly 30 minutes brisk walk. (be advised that your brisk and my brisk could differ somewhat).  I left home at 7am to ensure there would be as few people as possible at work when I arrived in case of any fainting or vomiting occurred but I made it!

Thankfully I got to rest for 8 hours before having to walk home but walk home I did. My BF is lucky she was interstate on business today because there is a good chance she would have gotten a phone call to pick me up but it was not to be. Again, one foot in front of the other I went to get home. I was on the last stretch, could almost smell my dogs poop in the back garden when I was fumbling in my hand bag for my keys when something awful happened…… it has to have been karma……. No, not me…..MY KEYS ARE STILL AT WORK! I felt sick. I didn’t eat enough at lunch time to deal with this. So close but so far. There are cheese slices in the fridge and I can’t get to them! Is this a sign? Should I be ride my motorbike to work? Is that what mother nature is trying to tell me? Just give me my keys and I’ll agree to anything. Ok, after dinner I’ll agree to anything!

As it happens, one of my buddies was still at work and said he would drop the keys off on his way home. So, here is my new dilemma. Was the key thing a sign to ride my motorbike to work and prevent any further pain in every area of my body from strenuous exersize OR did mother nature happen to see me from a different angle and saw how much weight I had put on and said ‘lets get that fatty moving and get her to walk back to work and get her keys and make her walk home’? this is my dilemma. I’ll just finish this glass of wine, have a nice big sleep and think about it tomorrow ok?

That is all 

The Human Air Bag

My ego is a wee bit bruised along with my leg and my knee and the bit behind your shin…what’s that called? Um, like a calf muscle area but a bit lower but above the ankle, anyway, there are a few bruises due to my ‘accident’ on sophie the motorbike.

The hours and hours of practicing and riding did not assist me yesterday as I rode into work at 7:30am. I deliberately had left a little earlier so I could avoid a lot of traffic and so there wouldn’t be too many (if any) bikes in the parking lot so I could park in comfort.

As I rode toward the motorbike parking section of the managers’ car park of my building, I started to do my usual U Turn before the back end of the motorbike slid out from under me and before I knew it, the bike was on me and on was on the ground! Well there you go, my first (and hopefully only) motorbike accident. I wriggled myself (think of a big fat maggot trying to get out from under a rock) out from under my bike and then came the next embarrassing bit. I almost gave myself a bum hernia trying to pick up my 175 kilos bike.

Behind me came a noise and I did not want to look to see what it was. It would have been hard to look as I was bent so low (almost to the ground even) trying to pick this darn bike up and wouldn’t you know it, two very important looking men are behind me telling me to step back and they’ll help me. Hopefully they don’t know about this blog but I’ll tell you a secret, it took two of them to pick it up so I didn’t feel too bad ok? There was petrol everywhere which yes, they got on themselves.

I did not take my helmet off so I think I am safe for the time being walking around my building not noticed. I couldn’t tell you what they look like because I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to look at them. Thankfully they didn’t hang around too long and I was able to push the bike into the park and waddle away and fast as I could.

I did have to go back downstairs to clean up the bike due to the petrol spill and whilst I was viewing the bike, I realised there was the teeniest scratch ever seen. How was this possible? I had slid the bike out and it landed with an almighty thump on the ground. Just look at the bruises on my leg to see how hard it landed. And then it came to me……..

I AM A HUMAN AIR BAG!!

My voluptuous body saved my darling Sophie from being all scratched and broken! Those Haighs chocolate frogs and truffles have done their job by saving me a mountain of money in bike repairs! Oh the joy of being a blubber guts! If I had been a skinny, I would probably have a broken leg and ankle and that area I mentioned earlier, maybe even a broken shoulder (that was incredibly sore) and I’ll pop a fractured wrist in as well. So as you can see, the weight has saved broken bones AND body work on the bike.

There is also a good chance I would have broken a hip if I was a skinny because I think that is where a lot of the impact went because that was very sore too. Are you wondering why I am not holed up in bed in agony eating more chocolate to ease the pain? Well, I have an answer for that as well.

I went to see Mr China Man for a massage in my lunch break. This man wasn’t proficient in English but we made do. Once we had established he would massage my neck and shoulders, I made another idiot of myself. I am putting it down to concussion ok? I knew the price was $20.00 for the massage I was about to receive but I wanted to know if I had to pay first and how I could pay. So I started to ask him if he had a card machine. He looks at me and repeated what I said. And I said yeah, do you have a card machine for pay. He shakes his head and I start doing sign language in the air pretending I am swiping a card through a machine and I said ‘you know, a swipe machine’ and he is still shaking his head. Another Asian man came from out the back and started listening and watching my entertaining mime in the waiting area. Mr China Man number 2 asks in perfect English, do you mean an ATM? And I go yeah! That’s it. I realised I had been an absolute fool as Mr China Man number 1 laughs at me and I quickly hide my ID tag around my neck displaying my name and the bank I work for! For the life of me, I could not think of the word ATM.

Anyway, I digressed there a bit. Mr China Man was sensational. Oh I could have just popped him in my handbag and taken him home! He needed my back like it was a big pile of bread dough. Now, I understand it may have looked and felt like bread dough to him but to me, Heaven! WOW! Who knew you could have that much fun with your clothes on??  An entire 30 minutes of firm massage and for a neck and shoulder massage that went half way down my back, I think it was the best $20.00 spent in quite some time.

So today, I sit here in relative comfort knowing I have a gift. I can prevent terrible damage occurring to my bike. And who says you are not protected whilst riding a motorbike? Take me with you and you’ll be as safe as anything. For I am …. The Humannnnnnnnnn Airbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag! (say that in a boxing commentators voice).

Lady Leaks

So, two full days of riding my new motorbike with boyfriend and am I one happy chick!! It was sensational. I shant go into a full explanation as to how my back bum and front bum feel after such long rides but I am sure you can work it out.

Anyhoo, we are riding along and I would like to say that I was laughing like a school girl with the wind in my hair and all the boys checking me out but it was a wee bit different. I was hunched over the bike holding onto the handle bars with all my strength and the only hair blowing in the wind was my leg hair where my jeans had ridden up! I must remember to shave these legs soon before the leg hair gets caught in the bike wheels.

We stopped for petrol and I was a bit disappointed it wasn’t packed full of people because now I was feeling quite confident and wanted to throw my head back with my long golden locks going over my shoulder, cascading down my back. That didn’t happen either because my hair was tied back and when I took the helmet off, bits of hair went in all directions whilst other bits of hair were stuck to my head like glue. Not a very attractive look so it is probably a good thing there wasn’t too many people there.

Getting to the point, once I got off the bike and started putting petrol into my bike, I realised I felt quite damp ‘down there’! OMG, am I now of the age? Am I one of those women now? I have seen the adverts where women are about to sneeze or do yoga or pick something up but they feel more confident with a ‘lady leak’ pad in! oh no! I have a nice young man for my boyfriend, am a motorbike chick and in a great place (if not a bit too rolly polly), and now I have to deal with this??

I was wearing denim jeans and had this vision of a big wet pack on my back bum and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully boyfriend went and paid for the petrol so I was able to jump back onto my bike quick smart before anyone noticed. I was almost crying and wondering if I should have gone into the shop and bought some of these pads. Are they even sold in a general store or do I have to go to a chemist? What if I can’t find them on the shelf? I will have to ask an attendant and I bet the attendant I get will be a skinny, blonde, young girl who will have no idea what I am talking about and I will have to explain what the ‘Lady Leak’ is and she’ll look at me in disgust and promise herself that will never ever happen to her and I’ll give her the look that it WILL happen to her.

Once we got home I raced to the toilet to inspect my ‘Lady Leak’ area (which is really hard to do with a stomach like mine!) and lo and behold, it wasn’t a ‘Lady Leak’, it was sweat! Did you know you can sweat ‘down there?”  Yes, yes you can! Does it ever end? Will there come a day where I don’t find a new even from being fat? So, in the folds of skin (yes, imagine a Shar Pei puppy) I was sweating. So now I face the problem of how to soak this up or prevent it? I can’t ride the motorbike in a bikini because that would cause a lot of traffic issues and not the ones where men are looking at a gorgeous girl on a motorbike but instead, looking at the Michelin Lady in a bikini which will blind a lot of people. So, I have to wear long pants and underwear (yes, clean ones in case of an accident) and I don’t particularly want to wear a lady leak pad if I don’t have the lady leak issue. Wonder if talcum powder will help? What would that look like though if it spills or goes onto my front bottom area of my jeans?

I shall try some different methods and hopefully I come up with a way to prevent this happening again. If you have any ideas or answers, don’t hesitate to let me know J

The Secret to Feeling Thinner

I have discovered it! Yes, I know how to play this fat game. Are you ready? Buy clothes one size too big (yes, this could mean a visit to the tent section but stay with me here) and all of a sudden, you feel like you have lost five kilos! Amazing huh? I thought you would be impressed. To top it all off, people have been stopping me saying I have a ‘glow’ today.

Stop that starvation diet now, grab a snickers bar and go to Kmart for a huge pair of pants and a big floppy top and see how you feel like you have lost weight!

This topic brings me to another thing I have been wondering as of late…. How is it some fatties dress absolutely amazing like and you barely even notice there are fat stores on them and others, being me, can’t put anything together to make it look lovely? Lets talk about Maggie T. Now, I know she used to be a model and is always in the public eye and stuff but OMG, does she ever look like crap? I don’t think so. Isn’t she insanely comfortable like me in a pair of mens track pants, a big tshirt that doesn’t have any shape left except round and some nice snugly ugg boots? If she is then you wouldn’t know it. Even when I do attempt the layering look, I look like a rainbow cake and even then, nothing sits right.

Maggie T always looks polished and gorgeous. Every thing she wears looks crisp and clean (as it should I guess). Does she have a score of ladies in her walk in robe to dress her everyday? Today I have on a pair of camel colour pants and a white shirt. I look like a chocolate pudding with cream on top! I don’t look anything like Maggie T. I even had an accessory being a pastel coloured scarf going on and still, nothing. I just look like a pudding.

Thankfully I have incredibly gorgeous nails. They are mine and I grew them all myself.

My lunch break is almost over which is disappointing because I wanted to talk a little more about gas today. Not the gas that cooks dinner, the gas that comes out after you have eaten dinner. I seem to have an excess of it today and it is getting a bit embarrassing but i only have time to tell you that it sounded really funny earlier when I was in the toilet. I was squeezing as hard as I could because someone was in the cubicle next door but it snuck out and sounded like a squeaky trumpet! OMG it was so funny that I almost snorted trying now to hold my gas AND a laugh in.

I'm not fat, I'm Happy

OMG! so, I was ready to start tomorrow (Monday) with watching what I eat and moving the cross trainer out from under the stairs when it hit me! I am not fat at all, I am happy!!

You know how lots of official research goes into relationships and how things change between a couple once they fall in love and settle into some sort of a routine? Well, women gaining weight is a sure sign of contentment. Why didn't I think of this before? It was around the time that I me boyfriend that I started to put on weight. The happier and more in love I was, the bigger I got. And I thought it was due to the good food and gallons of alcohol that blubbed me up but it is Love! and Happpiness!

Phew, lucky I realised this before I became a skinny.

So when I go and put on my Size Fat elasticised wasted jeans today I'll look at myself in admiration of the love and happiness that bought me to the size I am today.

PS: I am still going to take the cross trainer out from under the stairs today because I have to vacuum under there.

I am now a Size Fat!

I can't avoid it anymore. No longer can i squeeze into unrealistic sizes, I am now Size Fat. I have the option to shop in a normal store and chose the size at the back of the rack or shop in the fatty section and chose the size right in front. Argh! seriously, when did i become this size? I started this blog to stop the weight gain but it seems I have put on more weight to ensure the blog stays :)

The changes in me are getting quite uncomfortable and plain embarrassing which is a complete contradiction to the idiot, Sussane Eman, says.  Dubbed 'supersized mum' says she feels better as she puts on weight and currently weighs 300 kilos. You are kidding me right? I have a couple of knees who have become strangers and I can tell you right now that i dont feel great about it. How can this parent be proud of the fact it takes 8 full hours to do her grocery shopping and fills six trollies. She needs a motorised scooter to get around. She has made me so angry that i just had to let you know about it (if you hadn't already seen it). I do wish the media didn't feel the need to run this story in every news paper, womans magazine and television news story. She does not need to be promoted because she is not a good role model for anyone let alone her two sons aged 12 and 16.

Right, back to my issue with my body. So, size fat to me is an australian size 18. Never in my wildest imaginations (and trust me, i have a huge imagination) did I think I would be buying this size. For a couple of years now I have been squeezing into smaller sizes and using a maternatiy belt to cover my stomach and unzipped zipper, because I refused to buy larger sizes. The reason I didn't buy larger sizes is because 'I wasn't going to be fat for too long" and silly me forgot to stop being fat. My bras became 'wonder bra's' - wonder when they shrank, wonder where they are, wonder what they are doing (because they are not holding these bazookas up anymore', wonder why I bother etc.

As I sit an write todays blog, I am incredibly distracted due to not having had breakfast or lunch today. Yes, I also wonder how on earth I am the size I am when I have skipped two meals. I had to eat potato chips a couple of hours ago because I was almost fainting from malnutrition. Thankfully I got to the chips in time and ate them with a super huge, sweet cappachino with yummy chocolate sprinkles on top. Had it not been for these two products, who knows what may have happened. So, my distraction now is diner. The steak is marrinating in honey, soy, plum and hoisin sauce and i am trying to decide on chippies or mashed potato to go with it. Little bits of dribble are occuring at the thought of yummy chippies with the steak. How about a couple of fried eggs and washing it down with a beer or two?

As of Monday I am going to be super good with my diet ok? So that means I can have the steak and chips tonight right? From here on in, my blogs are going to be all about the weight I have lost and how amazing I am looking and how people are always whistling at me when I walk down the street and my boyfriend is going to think I am hot hot hot in my motorbike leathers. Yes, this blog is going to be called "I woke up Skinny" in no time!

On a serious note, I beg and plead for you to NOT support this woman from Arizona because she is attempting to add another 45 kilos to her already massive weight and this is not healthy.

Clap Your Batwings Ladies!

A big shout out to my new best friend (only she doesn't know it yet), Julie Goodwin! According to my sources, online news, she turned down a lucritive deal with Jenny Craig because she is happy with herself! I couldn't clap my hands and bat wings fast enough. Good. On. Her.

The online newspaper told me that some famous people get paid amazing amounts of dollars to be with Jenny Craig and lose weight. Now, I ask my faithful readers, why do the famous people get paid squillions of dollars to join Jenny Craig when they can actually afford it yet the suburban blubber guts like myself would have to Pay the squillion dollars to join.

To top off my annoyance with Jenny Craig, she can't/wont do gluten free food so she is off my favourite person list.

Back to my mate Julie Goodwin. No, I haven't actually met her in real life and to be honest,. was neither here nor there about her until now. I wonder how Jenny Craigs marketing team approached her. It isn't as though our friend Julie is a huge blubber guts. She has a roll or two here and there but geez, she is certainly not needing a crane to get in and out of the house. How does one approach this?

"Hey Julie, wanna lose ya rolls and get paid for it?"
"Dear Mrs Goodwin, I noticed you were a bit too fat, wanna be skinny?"
"Attention Julie Goodwin. We hear that you are an amazing cook, have your own cookbook and TV show. Good for you. We want you to stop all of that and now eat some food that we cooked for you. Please give up your current dream of being a cook and author and eat our food instead'.

I really hope she gave them a mouthful and told them to bugger off and dont be so bloody rude mate! Well I dont think she would have been that rude becauase she 'seems' so lovely and not at all fat!

Seriously. I think this company is incredibly rude by approaching someone to join them when they could actually have me as their spokes person for NOTHING!

So again, a big congratulations to Julie Goodwin for standing proud as a curvy woman.

I Can't Close My Legs!

Ok, this one is a little embarrasing and I have only just started to notice that I can not comfortably close my legs anymore! I have never seen this on anyone else before but surely I am not the only person with this problem!? I noticed it one day at work when I thought I had a heat pack on my stomach resting on my legs because I could feel a weighted object at the top of my legs. It wasn't a hot pack IT WAS MY STOMACH!! My stomach was resting on my legs. So, I picked my stomach up and tried to shut my legs but there was something in the way. I squeezed and squeezed until it looked like I was trying to do a poop at my desk and I finally got them got them together. When I relaxed my legs, they flew apart again. I realised there is just too much 'stuff' on the inside on my legs now (ok it isn't stuff, its fat but lets pretend it is stuff).

I have realised I can't go around lifting my stomach everytime I sit down and try to keep my legs together because of the facial contorition, but am at a loss as to what to do. I could wear big flowing skirts that fall over my ankles because no one will know that my knees dont know each other anymore. I could remain standing at every event I go to but I might look a little strange at the next work dinner standing at the table eating whilst everyone is seated.

Unfortunately I am unable to think of the best solution on an empty stomach so I will go and find a platter of food to feast on whilst I think of the most suitable way to tackle this issue........ Stay tuned!

The Bean Bag Look

Today we will use the visualisation technique to understand what I am talking about.

Now I have my motorbike learners permit I have ordered a gorgeous bike for me to ride. Pick up day is only two more sleeps away but my dilema is now the image I am going to create unintentionally. And it is that of an old beanbag.

 I have bought a gorgeous, brand new, very shiny, white motorbike and went shopping last night for some sexy leather riding gear.

I realised then, this is going to be a little difficult because I could spend hundreds of dollars here and will end up looking like an old 1970's leather bean bag that has been stored in the shed. You know what I am talking about dont you? The old bean bag that has cracks through it, beans are spilling out in some sections and doens't even look comfortable anymore. Well, this is what I think I am going to look like in all my leather glory. A old, wrinkly beanbag thrown onto the seat of a motorbike with a head. How am I going to pull off all this leather without looking like I should be riding a Harley Davidson with a group of men? Even if I put pretty pink lipstick on, no one is going to see it because of the helmet. Why can't I look like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Rader instead of Miss Piggie in a leotard!!??

To ponder this concern of mine, I loaded up with a few lolly snakes, a small block of chocolate and because I am on a diet, a big glass of water. As you can see, I am trying very hard to be able to fit into a small sexy leather jacket by drinking water instead of a nice cold fizzy coca cola! Looking at me, it is hard to tell at the moment that I am losing weight but when you see me with my glass of water, it is pretty obvious.

I am missing three kilos but I can't quite pin point where they went from because it all is looking the same to me but the scales dont lie. Still haven't moved that darn cross trainer out from under the stairs for vaious reasons discussed in earlier posts but have thought about it ok? Apparently, the first step is the hardest and I am making sure I understand this sentance before i go crazy and start things that should be thought about first. I will continue to think about this first step for another couple of days and just enjoy my size 18 motorbike jacket. There was a bigger size so I do feel good I didn't have to buy that one. As long as I dont eat or drink anything before putting the jacket on, it fits just fine.

Silly Skinnies

Today I went to a Mall a long way from home and ran in to an old friend who had recently had a baby. The baby of course was gorgeous and what not but my friend looked like she hadn't ever been pregnant. now, i know she didn't buy the baby because i had seen her pregnant so it is obvious what has happened here. She lost her baby weight way too fast. Every one knows you must do this slowly to ensure it stays off and you are healthy.

So, I realised I had put on a few kilos since I last saw her but this is only natural as any mother will tell you. It is difficult juggling kids, work, family, friends and weight loss. It is very obvious I am one of these mothers who are very busy and doesn't have a lot of time for the gym and cooking nutritious food. There is so much to do all of the time.

Now, I am not one for trying to help the skinnies because they clearly dont need help but this was a special case with my friend being a new mum and all. I advised her it is best to lose weight very slowly and correctly after having had a baby. She nodded (she knows I am right) and then asked how old my baby was now. I advised her that my daughter had recently turned 18. Not 18 months but 18 years and yes, I am taking my advice very very seriously. Slow and Steady!

Having said all of that, I must confess to my fatty friends, something very unusual happened recently. I lost two kilos! Now now, I didn't try to lose these two kilos, they just went somewhere. I did ensure my stomach wasn't sitting on the towel rail while I was weighing myself because I couldn't quite believe it either but sure enough, two kilos are gone. Dont forget, they are out there somewhere so take care not to catch them ok? Unless you are a skinny, then go for it, they're all yours.

So what did I do I hear you asking. Well, I stopped drinking beer for Dry July. Not only did I lose those two kilos but geez do I have a lot more money than before. Yes, I did enjoy a few beers each night and it adds up to a lot of money.

Next week, I might even pull the cross trainer out from under the stairs. It will be a big job though because the dog bowl is in front of it as well as a lovely plant on top of the dog food bin. It will take a lot of organisation so if it doesn't get done next week you know why.

Fat Chicks are Hot

So, for the last few years I have blamed my excessive sweating on menopause. I wasn't alone though because even doctors have agreed with me that it is highly likely that I am experiencing either menopause or pre menopause.  How else can you explain, even in the middle of winter, I have the pedestal fan on whilst sleeping at night. Or, wearing only a t-shirt to do my grocery shopping whist everyone else in the store has jackets and scarfs on? How about almost passing out from heat exhaustion from a simple stroll to the letter box!

There is still a good chance that it is menopause ok? But I have been noticing other fatties that stand in line at the shop who are as slippery and shiny as I am. When i look at a skinny minny, more often than not, she will be a little chilly but looking as cool as a cucumber. It drives me batty to constantly be mopping my brow, flapping my arms like a desperate bird unable to take flight whilst trying to dry my underarms, wriggling around trying to move my bra so it scratches the itchy spot under my boobies that is now saturated and tickley.

I read an article recently that the more you sweat, the more calories you are burning. BULLSHIT! There are, at most, 2 hours when I am not sweating and fanning myself and I can tell you right now, my calories are staying put. They aren't going anywhere!

My dietician thinks I am going to be skinny in four weeks from our first visit (that means three more weeks until I am skinny) so I will be able to judge a little clearer as to weather I am going through menopause or if this hot chick is hot because of my slight weight gain.

The Dietician

I've done it. Not only did I make an appointment to see a dietician, I actually went but was disappointed when i walked out of my appointment because I was still FAT!

I have decided the dietician sees me as a threat. She doesn't want me to be skinny because she is frightened. She hasn't made me feel anything other than hungry!

Waddling into her neat little office following her non existent arse, I heaved myself down into a chair suited for a child, and then, she has the stupidest question to ask me. "What has bought you to my office today?" WTF? Is she not seeing me? Am I one of those skinny chicks that sees a fat chick in the mirror? Did I wake up skinny today? I tell her 'Well, I am here because I am fat'. She nods with a thinking face on as though I have told her something she would never have guessed. By now I want to punch her in her cute little button nose but I will persist with talking to her for a while. I have not much else to do so I may as well stay and see what other idiotic questions she has for me.

She asks me to guess my weight. There is a set of scales right in the middle of the room. Not to the side descretely tucked away. Oh no, that would be too obvious if they were against the wall. In The Middle Of The Room. So, why do I have to guess when I can just step on them? Does she think I will smash her precious scales? Does she feel that I am too embarrased to step on them? I am at the bloody dietician, embarrasement has gone lady, lets get on with it already. So, in my know it all voice, I tell her. She looks at me and in her cute little girlie voice she asks if I would like to step on her scales. Why didn't she ask me that to begin with. You know what lady? Put the scales at the door I walked in and that way you can see how huge I am before I sit down and we will elimitate stupid question Number 1 and also the guessing game wouldn't be required either. I felt like I should have won a prize though because I was bang on the mark with my guess. Not sure if I was trying to impress her but I felt pretty smug for guessing right.

Anyway, down to what I learnt from her.

1.

2.

3. I know what I am doing.

She kept telling me I was on the right track and to come and see her in four weeks. Perhaps, deep down inside, she knows I am going to wake up skinny too. YAY