My Massage

A great girl friend I shall call AC bought me a massage for Christmas and today is when I went. Let me tell you about it.

The girl who greeted me at the door was so full of energy that I hated her already. Only because I have minus zero energy but she was friendly and way too happy not to like so I jest, I didn’t hate her.

Once I was naked except for my knickers, I lay down on my stomach as I was instructed. My worry was that half of me was going to fall off the little massage bed but thankfully, my fat parts stuck to me enough not to fall off.

One thing did feel very strange was my boozies. While I was laying on my stomach with my head through a hole in the bed, my boozies felt like that were going to come out of my back! The pain was horrid. I wondered how I was going to lay here for an hour with that kind of pain. I also wondered why they didn’t have two extra holes in the table for this reason. I would much prefer my boozies hanging though holes that the feeling of them being squished by my weight.

Anyhoo, ends up that you do get used to that discomfort so I survived that bit. It always makes me wonder why masseuse’s don’t put something pretty to look at under that hole.

So, whilst this energiser bunny worked on my body as thought it was a lump of dough, I didn’t think I would survive. Her fingers pushed and prodded parts that hadn’t been touched in years, simply because I didn’t even know they existed. She was massaging my glutes (that is my bum for normal people like me) because it eases the pressure in my lower back. Who’d a thought that? Well it did but anyway, the pain was excruciating! Maybe AC wasn’t really my friend at all, maybe she had planned this pain and discomfort….

Another thing I didn’t realise was you really get the urge to fart. Well, you might not but I certainly felt the urge. I wanted to ask her if anyone had ever farted while she was massaging but didn’t want to upset here and cause her to push a little deeper into my tender body. So I held my question (and fart) inside.

Through the hole in the bed I did notice that my energiser bunny had the most amazing feet. I have always loved pedicures but only as an absolute treat because I wondered who on earth spent their time looking at peoples feet (except those weirdos who get off on that kind of thing) but now I know that lovely looking feet are really nice.

For 60 minutes she kneeded, prodded, poked, soothed, oiled and massaged me to the tunes of birds (could have been dolphins also) and all done by candle light and a little lamp. Once she had finished I felt amazing! I almost floated out of that place. It was gorgeous.

The only worry I had (besides death) was drinking once I had gotten home. I was incredibly worried that I would be like a colander and spurt water out of all the holes the energiser bunny had poked into me. Don’t worry though, it didn’t happen thank goodness and I still feel amazing.

Included in AC’s gift was yoga classes so I shall book myself in for one of those real soon.