Fat as a Rhino!

I am formally as fat as a rhino. Nope, I am not joking or being silly, it is official. Fat. As. A. Rhino.

Do you watch the news? Well, a rhino was born at Monato Zoo 2^nd of October, 2012 and today, 23^rd of October, we both weigh the same. And se is not small let me tell you that!

Ugh, this news has totally ruined a perfectly shitty day. That’s right, having a crap day and then I find out I weigh the same as a bloody rhino!

And to top that, I mentioned it to a colleague of mine and the guy behind me stated that I might weigh the same as this rhino but I certainly wasn't as cute as her! How Rude!

On another note, have you ever been in a shop and felt a light, airey but silent popoff in your bum and thought, I could let this one go and no one would hear it because if feels silent and small, only to let it go and find it is in fact a loud, long and stinky FART. Well, that happened to me today in Target.

Yep, having a marvellous day today.

To Poo or not to Poo

When you go to the toilet to do a wee, do you ever have to coax that wee out? Like, you were needing to go to the loo but as soon as you sit down, the wee seems to get a bit shy and not want to come out?

This happens to me sometimes and I think of things like dripping taps or running waterfalls and that entices my wee to enter the toilet bowl.

Last night I was in the toilet and I did my wee (which didn’t need any further encouragement other than me sitting down) and it was then I decided to do a poop while I was there to save me having to come back later. Do you ever do that?

So anyway, I started my poop but obviously it hadn’t brewed enough and once I had done one nugget I found I was in a bit of a pickle. I had started something I wasn’t sure I could finish.

Then I started thinking of my clever techniques that I use to coax my pee pee out so I tried to think of something that would make the rest of my poop occur.

Do you know how hard that is? What does one think off? I can’t think of running water because that only works for wee’s. I started thinking of things that plop. I thought of a frog jumping from the side of a pond into the water and making a plop sound but then I got too focused on weather the frog could swim the whole way to the lily pad and then worried if it would drown. Do frogs even drown? So then I had in my mind all these birds dying in the sky and plopping into the ocean and by now I was so depressed I just wanted to go and talk to someone.

By now I had been on the toilet for quite some time and figured my poop was just not ready to occur and I could have in fact done a lot more things instead of sitting around thinking of dead frogs and birds falling from the sky. My original idea of saving time by doing a poop while I was already on the toilet backfired but not in the way I wanted ….

So I cleaned up (yoga style without hitting my head on the door) and as soon as I washed and dried my hands, wouldn’t ya know it, a little poop knocked on the door so back to the toilet I went, let my poops swim free and I was done for another day.

My lesson  here is to not try to save time by doing both at once when only one is calling because that leads to all sorts of trouble.

Violet

Hi Again.

Yes, I am still fat, stop asking!

Tonight is Friday night, my most favourite time of the week. Am enjoying a few alcoholic ciders on my own with a move and my dog. Now before you start harping on about fat in alcohol, let me tell you this. I have switched to a low sugar and low carb apple cider thank you very much.

And another thing... NO, I am not participating in Sober October, just like I didn't join in on Dry July. So shut up about all that.

Now, to the point of my story tonight.

It is bloody freezing where I am right now. I am at home but am suffering because boyfriend has manflu. Yep, am on my own in this very cold moment. No fire was roaring when I got home because HE is sick. HE is too weak to start the fire. Why didn't I do it? PFT, not my job.

So begins a story....

I was in my typical work clothes of pants and t-shirt (no, I do not wear corporate wear because I am too fat for it right now) and I decided the clothes I was wearing were way to light for the chilly temperatures I was dealing with. I found my dressing gown and snuggly wrapped myself into it. Aahh, I didn't need a man to light the fire for me at all, I had my big and fluffy purple dressing gown to warm me up.

So anyway, I had to pee, as one does when drinking the low sugar and low carb alcoholic apple cider and began my waddle down the hall way toward the toilet.

Now, my avid (and very strange) readers will know, there is a ginormous mirror at the end of my hallway. Let me tell you the image that reflected back at me.

Remember the movie of many names but some being .... Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket or, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, I looked like that chick at I think was called Violet...

A Big Round Purple Body with a little pin head at the top and little feet at the bottom. A HUGE round purple (violet) belly was what I saw waddling (very quickly due to the amount of this low sugar and low carb cider) down the hallway!

Starting tomorrow, I am going to seriously spend some time considering the quickest and easiest way to not look like that purple girl in that movie !

cross your little fat fingers for me people!!

Bop!

Have you ever bent over so far to wipe your tail feather and bopped your head on the toilet door?

Ooohh right, yeah me either….

My Love of Food

Has this ever happened to you?

I was at the computer this morning, about 11:45 to be precise and was playing a lame game I play when I smelt a mix of foreign spices and meat. It really got my taste buds going because, the night before, we had had a gorgeous beef korma that I had cooked in the slow cooker. This smell was the exact same as last nights dinner.

I figured boyfriend must have heated up some leftovers and I was salivating by now because the smell had well and truly imbedded itself into my nostrils. It was now time to enjoy some lovely left over beef korma myself.

Getting up from my computer chair, I noticed dog sitting next to me, almost smiling. How could dog read my mind? How did they know I was going to get some lovely curry for lunch and possibly accidently slip dog some?

Well, let me tell you what dog was smiling at! Dog was smiling at the big, silent fart they let off letting me think it was a beef korma. It wasn’t a beef korma, it was a dog fart! OMG how disgusting!  A dog fart made me hungry. Oh how embarrassing and humiliating. I realised too that boyfriend wasn’t even in the house at the time of foreign spice waft. If he had been, I would have heard the fridge opening and the microwave beeping. I have very good hearing when it comes to these things you see.

Now, I was in a dilemma. My stomach was begging for beef korma that brain had been discussing with it only moments ago but Brain was revolted by the thought of having been salivating over a dog fart.

What does one do now? What would you do? Yeah, right, me either……… as if I would have korma after this….. yeeeeeah….

Ok, so I had the korma but I put the dog outside so I could really enjoy the flavours AND smells……

Excuses

So, tomorrow I have an appointment I am concerned about. Nervous even. Am even preparing for it now, the night before.

Where am I going?

To my doctors!

The visit tomorrow isn’t even fat related and I am scared. I know she is going to notice that I am not only still fat but that I have PUT ON more fat.

I have the best doctor in the world and after three years of doctor hopping, looking for one to diagnose my cause of fattities, she did it. Have I woken up skinny? No. Do I know why I am fat? Yes.

So, to distract her, I have painted my nails to match the shirt I will be wearing. I have looked at hair styles to use so I can ‘boof’ up my hair making my face looks smaller. Am thinking of wearing boyfriends jeans so it looks like I HAVE lost weight (am worried his jeans will actually fit me though).

What to do? How do I tell her that I am still fat? Well ok, I am not going to have to TELL her because she is going to notice!

Tonight, I feel like a teenager and not in that fun, skinny, amazing way but in the naughty, lazy and lying way. I am thinking of excuses! Yes, excuses ffs!

Like hows this? Oh doctor, I couldn’t diet at this time of year, it is so cold and one has to carry a bit of blubber to keep warm. Ask the whales!

Or… I am unable to lose weight at this time because I have moved in with my boyfriend and he cooks and he is making me fat.

What about…. Oh no, weight loss in not on the agenda this week because I have been very busy at work but look at my gorgeous nail colour!

As you can see, I have had a couple of ciders while thinking of reasons and I can’t tell her that either because she mentioned something about six months ago about giving up alcohol for a while.

The shitty thing about my doctor is she is wonderful and lovely and sweet. She is an Indian lady, young, lovely smile and softly spoken. I just adore her. I look up to her and not just because she is taller than me but because she is so amazing. She puts up with me and my shanaigans and my fattitis. She is patient and pretty and gentle. OMG I feel just awful.

To build my confidence in facing her, I will indulge in a cider or two more before I head to bed. I will be up early tomorrow because I have so much to do. Make myself look amazing and even give my hair a bit of a brush. Do you recon, if I wear my fat suit, you know the one, it sucks in my fat? She might think I have been a good girl? That I have been monitoring calories and given up alcohol and stuff? Yeah I don’t think so either but anyway, wish me luck. I’ll need it

Quick Update

Update –

Have been a bit busy to let you know the goings on in my wonderful ‘big’ life so here is a quick update…

• am still fat
• often hungry
• thought about exersize the other day
• haven’t started exersizing yet
• am eating child size portions for lunch hence why am often hungry
• and still fat

that is all ……..

Bum Sniffer!

I am a sniffer. Amongst being a Mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, sister, friend, cousin, niece and a worm (long story), I am also a sniffer.

Like most people, I sniff the milk to make sure it is still ok to use. I also sniff my  underarms to ensure they are still fresh (I do try to do this in private). As previously posted, I sniff boob sweat and I also sniff my hands, especially when I have washed my hands in a new bathroom. I also take a big whiff when I enter a toilet to see if someone has pooped before me. Not because I like it but it is habit.

So anyway, I found a new scent you may not have discovered.

Before I tell you what it is I want to make a few things clear…

1.     I am not sponsored, nor have I been paid for advertising by this toilet paper company

2.     This is quite a normal thing to do (I am almost certain)

3.     I do not need a lecture on the chemicals I am putting near my lady bits and bum

4.     Let me be a sniffer!

So, it starts last weekend when I had had a bit to drink. I was on a wee bit of a bender and naturally, the toilet is a common place to go. Drink a couple of drinks and wee out a months worth of piddle!

There I was piddling away when I realised the loo paper was almost out. Not only am I a sniffer but I also have this obsession with being the first to use the toilet roll.

Even once I have done my bizzo, wiped and flushed… if I have changed the roll of toilet paper, I have to use the first bit before I can leave the toilet. And yes, this goes for public, private and my toilet.

Anyhoo., last weekend I was doing my bizzo when the roll ran out. Not only did I change the roll mid stream, I realised I had to poop. Not unusual I know but I was left sitting on the loo with the empty toilet roll in my hand.

At the risk of free advertising, I am going to name the toilet roll I was holding (if you are a marketing manager for Quilton Toilet Rolls, email me for the address to send the cheque too) when I decided to smell it. Yes, I smelt the toilet roll.

Well we all know I love the toilet so smelling the toilet roll shouldn’t shock you (unless you are a newbie to this blog).

Anyway, it smelt amazing! It was a smell I would almost follow down the city mall if I smelt it! OMG it was gorgeous! Amazing even. Keep in mind I was doing a number 2 here but even if I had been just chilling out on the toilet, this toilet roll would have had me at the first sniff!

Drunk as I was, I took the empty toilet roll, including the three empty toilet rolls that had been previously discarded on the floor, to bed with me that night as an air freshener! I kid you not! This is not written for the population and fans of this blog, it really happened.

How do I know I hear you ask? Well I don’t really hear it but that is what I would ask if I was a reader. The reason I know it happened is because I woke up (with the hangover from hell) to find all these toilet rolls next to my bed. Aaahahaha so it had really happened. And yes, I smelt them to ensure I wasn’t drunk imagining the smell.

So I tell you, next time you are on the toilet, have a sniff of your toilet roll.

I have greenie friends that should probably not attempt this because goodness knows what YOUR toilet roll smells like but I can tell you, mine smells amazing there fore, my butt is smelling like a bunch of roses right now!

PS: thinking of dieting tomorrow!

Good Intentions - Oooh Cake!

I was all motivated after yesterday to have another good lunch day. Yesterday was ‘buy your lunch day’ which I have every fortnight on payday. Instead of yummy greasy food, I went to the health food store and bought a chicken and soy mayonnaise gluten free wrap. Normally I get a ‘full’ one which is two huge wraps but yesterday, I bought a half. Man, I was so pleased with myself until I ate it.

At 3pm that day I was starving! Like, almost fainting from malnutrition fainting. That half a wrap was not enough! Geez, what was I thinking? My body had almost gone into shock.

So anyway, last night I had a little dinner to prepare my body for a small lunch again today. I went to the shop again and bought another chicken wrap but this time I thought I would prepare my body for that shock. So I bought a lovely, syrupy, lemon polenta cake.

Now think about it. Polenta sounds pretty healthy to me. There weren’t many gluten free cakes and muffins left which means the polenta was the last choice for a treat. I also figured it had to be better than chocolate right? So I bought that too.

After my wrap, I think I might have been satisfied but I forgot to wait and see if I was before digging into that polenta cake. And let me tell you, it was incredible. Not only was it so very delish, it had a layer of lemon icing on the bottom of the cake that I had not been aware of. Oh the tang! Divine I tell you!

So I finished off the polenta cake but you know what I did? I held it like an apple while I ate it so anyone looking at me would automatically think I was being so healthy. Yep, I am pretty clever like that.

So now that I have filled my stomach unintentually, I will have to train it again next week to prepare for smaller meals. Best I have that block of haighs rocky road before Monday hey?

Dog Tongue

You know how when dogs pant, their tongues are at the bottom of their mouth and then roll over their teeth? Hang on, let me see if I have a photo of my dog doing it…

*this blog wont let me use a photo so see if you can imagine what I am talking about ok* 

Well that is happening to me! I thought I had put weight on my tongue but Dr Google says you can’t put weight on in your tongue. So whats up with my tongue then?

I thought it was just because I had the flu recently and was sneezing my chins off and my tongue was rubbing against my teeth and that is why I thought it had enlarged.

Then I figured it was because I was fat and no matter how much googling I did, every site told me I couldn’t put on weight in my tongue. I found a lot of disgusting tongue diseases but nothing on tongue weight gain.

Now I am quite worried because as you can see by Dogs photo above, he can let his tongue hang out a bit over his teeth and he is fine. Mine is way too close to my side teeth and it is getting sore! How is Dog’s tongue not sore from rubbing on his teeth? What do I tell the doctor is wrong with me? I have a dog tongue? I am part dog now?

How much more can go wrong with me I ask you. And it is not only the discomfort of having a big fat tongue, I sound like an idiot. I can’t talk properly and now I worry that I am going to spit on everyone when I talk because the fat tongue gets in the way of every word I am saying.

I will be forever known as the big fat spit lady if I don’t get on to this quick smart. I might have to have a look at my tongue in my big huge mirror and make sure everything else looks normal about it.

That Motivating Mirror

You know how some people put skinny photos of themselves on the fridge to stop themselves eating naughty food, and how some people put encouraging words around the house to motivate them? Well my BF has gone that one step further…. He put a bloody massive mirror at the end of the hallway!

I can’t go to the toilet or bedroom without seeing every single bit of myself. This thing is seriously insane! It is about two doors wide and about a door and a half high. I know these aren’t exact measurements but I am not sure how else to explain it without getting a tape measure out and that is just too hard right now.

So I assume he thinks I am going to take a good long look at myself and go right, that’s it, time to restart that fabulous diet again. I am sure he means well and is doing what he can to motivate me but I am not sure this is going to work.

I did walk down the hallway last night with my eyes closed but that isn’t going to work because I am not overly coordinated. I will run into the mirror eventually  because the bedroom door runs off to the left. The toilet runs off to the right of the mirror so as you can see, he has positioned this beautifully. There is no avoiding it.

So anyhoo, this morning after my shower, I realised I didn’t have the clothes required for my day and left the bathroom in a towel. Now, this should have been enough for me to give up eating for a month at least but all I could focus on was how long my hair was getting. It is looking marvellous I must say.

Not really working the way BF imagined hey?

My feeling is though, it may just work somewhat because every so often I have caught a glimpse of myself and wondered who the hell is walking toward me! And then I realise it is the fat me and not the skinny me.

Tomorrow I might consider that diet again but in the meantime, my hair is growing nicely and I can see it well now J

Dummy Lines

I woke up with dummy lines. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. I figured I must have had a bad dream and my face was still stuck in the scowl but no, I definitely have dummy lines.

What are dummy lines? You know ventriloquist dolls? And how their mouths open and close and they have those big lines either side of their mouth? Well they’re dummy lines and now I have them.

It is because my cheeks are so fat that they are falling down my face causing these dummy lines. My cheeks are trying to touch my second chin and they are almost there.

You would think that with the amount of eating and talking I do that it would be exercise enough to prevent dummy lines.

I am starting to round out in all sorts of places so am thinking that maybe tomorrow I might think more about that diet I am supposed to be on.

For my Aussie fans out there, I am giving Matt Preston a run for his money in the dummy lines contest.

That is all

The Anniversary Lingerie

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I celebrate 4 years together! Happy Anniversary Us.

He made a comment the other night about celebrating the anniversary with some lovely lingerie. I am not sure he meant for it to go on me though. Seriously? Me? In a teeny tiny pair of panties? A little lacy, peekaboo bra?

Would these items even be seen on me? Where am I going to get a pair of little panties for a fat chick?

And have you ever seen a sexy, lacy, size fat bra? No I don’t think you have. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some ‘lovely’ bras out there for the larger lady. And I don’t even have massive boobies but they are big enough to need that super strength, super wide shoulder strap. Doesn’t matter how many roses and lace you put on that shoulder strap, it still looks like a fat girls bra.

And if a man cant undo one little latch at the back of a bra, how is he going to break into a fat girls bra that has more locks on it than a maximum security prison. We don’t like our girls escaping therefore the back of the bra is a lot more secure than a skinny persons bra.

I showed a work colleague a new bra I had bought a while back, it was just a cheap target one but I liked the colour. Anyhoo, she took it out of the bag and put the bra cup on her head and it fit perfectly! And she doesn’t have a small head! Ok, so my boozies are a little bigger than the average bear ok?

So I was then thinking of a one piece lingerie thing and then realised my dimply legs will have to be hanging out the bottom of said one piece. Then I thought about having a sheer skirt to cover the legs and that made me a bit happier but then of course are the arms. There are those long sheer dressing gowns so I can ditch the sheer skirt thing and get the dressing gown.

Once I had finished thinking all of this stuff I realised that this ‘event’ with the lingerie would be happening after we had been out for dinner. So I would be full of lovely Chinese food and some lovely beverages and not feeling overly sexy so I have come to this conclusion as to what to wear for anniversary night.

I will wear my lovely track pants and a t-shirt and will just turn out the light before he comes into the bedroom! That always makes me look gorgeous.

The Olympic Poo

I just did a swan dive poo! I haven’t done one of those forever!

What is it? Well I’ll tell you….

Was on the loo giving my stomach muscles their only work out, pushing that pesky poop out. I was even going a bit red in the face because it was a bit of an effort and when it was coming out I thought to myself, oh dear, this is not even going to fit in the bowl!

Then it came out. It was almost silent as it hit the water which was a surprise in itself because I thought I was going to get a bum wash due to the size of it but nope, hardly a sound. And when I looked in the bowl, it wasn’t there!

My poo had swan dived out of my bum, a perfect 10 score in the field of diving and then gracefully disappeared into the s-bend. Not a crumb was to be seen.

And that is what I call a Swan Dive Poo.

Back with Bread

So, today is Friday but let me tell you about Sunday to start with.

On Sunday I was so motivated for my Monday good healthy eating lifestyle to begin again. Man, I am so fat now I can’t even stand myself. Ok, I don’t mind myself but to look at? Yuck! So, I made my stand to get back on the healthy eating thingo and get these kilos off.

The strange thing is, went back to eating and drinking like the old days but didn’t put on too much weight. I shant talk numbers but considering what I was putting into my body, I thought I would have put on heaps more.

So anyway, Monday came and man I was good! Ate healthy, didn’t drink alcohol when I got home and had a semi ok sleep. Tuesday I woke very unwell and didn’t go to work but still, maintained a very good diet and then it happened…….

I returned to work on Thursday feeling much better and still looking after myself when there it was. On my desk, glowing like two angels were two loaves of bread. Now, it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise to me because I had been informed that my daughters grandmother had sent some into my work with her oldest son. (long story, will go there another day perhaps). So, I knew there were two loaves on my desk and I knew they were a new style of gluten free and I even knew that my daughter loved it. She had to phone me after 10pm one night to tell me!

So, I am looking at these two loaves of bread and they look like normal bread. I mean, they were high and fluffy and soft and even smelt like bread. If you have ever tried gluten free bricks, I mean bread, you will know that

·        they do not look like loaves of bread

·        they do not taste like loaves of bread

·        they are not cheap like loaves of bread

·        they need to be frozen ten minutes after you buy it

·        they are not light like loaves of bread (bricks)

·        very few people like gluten free brick bread.

Seriously, I have struggled to find a gluten free bread or bread like product that I could love. There is one baguette that I like but for $10.00 for a pack of two, well, need a second income for that kinda money.

Back to the bread on my desk. I straight away grabbed a slice out of the loaf (I was confused because it was so soft) and took a bite, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaalleluia, Haaaaaaaaaalleluiah! Halleluiah, Halleluiah! It is bread! Like real bread. It tastes and smells and looks like real bread but it is gluten free!!! At lunch time, I put a tin of tuna straight from the tin after I had strained it, onto the bread and it was amazing. No butter or mayo needed. With gluten free bread I have had to soak it in butter for two days to moisten the bread so I could swallow it. This bread needs none of that!

Then I went home and for dinner I had taken out a frozen container of cauliflower soup. Yep, I toasted up two of these amazing slices of bread and I almost forgot to eat the soup!

What has all of this got to do with my journey to skinnidom? Don’t you get it? Bread is back in my life! We had broken up so long ago and I hadn’t thought of bread in quite some time but its back. How do I leave it again? Do I have the strength? The determination? How does one leave a lovely off white slice of bread with flecks of golden gluten free grains? How does one not turn their head at the smell of said bread? Will I ever be able to have soup again without thinking of bread?

THE ANSWER IS NO! No, I can’t leave bread again. I want to hold and gently squeeze it. Bury my face into the softness of its belly and inhale the lovely, bready smell. (I have been reading 50 shades of Grey so please excuse me). I want to feel the butter drip down my chin and I bite into a golden, crisp piece of toasted bread and giggle as I wipe the butter off my chin.

Ok, this might seem a bit over board for some but I am sure there are those of you out there who have broken up with bread before. Those who have suffered the heartache and disappointment when seeing bread with others. Seeing people putting their hands on bread and not treating it with the respect it deserves. It is disgusting! How can these people do that to bread? They don’t understand the devastation of breaking up with a bread and not being able to hold it again, to kiss and stroke bread.

Right, I really like this bread ok and if any of you are touching your chin in remembrance of the dripping butter from a piece of toast or if you are remembering that perfect, handsome, sexy ham sandwich from years ago, keep an eye on your supermarket shelves. In about five weeks, you too maybe feeling the delight and happiness I am feeling right now.

The point of my blog today, there is a chance I may remain a fatty boomba for the rest of my life now that bread is back. But if it is not a wheat product, there is no gluten in it, is it possible it could make me skinny? To help you all find out the answer to this question, I shall test it for you ok? I shall continue to eat this bread and see what happens.

Stay tuned

Let me tell you about my nuddie run last night.

Boyfriend has today off for an RDO and was having a party on his own last night with a few drinks etc. I woke at 2:30am with a full bladder so I got out of bed and went to the toilet. Let out a huge fart that would have woken the neighbourhood dogs and then realised, I could hear chatter. Where would chatter be coming from at 2.30 in the morning in the country? IT WAS IN OUR LOUNGEROOM! Boyfriend had a friend over. So now I was in the loo, completely naked and no where to go!. I flushed and went into the bathroom where there were NO towels because Boyfriend had left them in the bedroom. There was a flannel and that woudnt have even covered one boob let alone anything else. I then snuck out of the bathroom and popped my head around the hall way wall and boyfriend looked over his chair and said “hi Bubba, do you have any clothes on?” and I go “ah nope’ and I hear him and his friend laugh! His mate was then saying oh sorry mate and boyfriend was like oh don’t worry. In the mean time, I am still standing naked and now cold in the hall way. Boyfriend then says, you can go to bed now honey and I run as fast as I can to the bedroom not realising I had pulled the door semi closed on my way to the toilet and bopped myself on the way back to bed! Took me ages to go back to sleep!

The Road Map

Yep, still fat and growing.

I thought I had plateaued into a nice, warm comfortable fat girl because I haven’t been exersizing and whilst I have been eating healthy food (slipping in the odd bacon and eggs for breakfast) I have been having the odd wild night on the cider and I haven’t really put on any weight.

Anyway, I was away in Perth recently and I was staying in a hotel which had the biggest mirror I think I have seen and one that I could not hide from. I got undressed for the shower and noticed how much of the mirror I actually took up. And blow me down with a feather but I noticed two, brand new, red and angry STRETCH MARKS! WTF?

Well, I was not impressed with that. Not because I had more stretchmarks to add to my ‘road map’ of a body but the fact that I must have grown bigger to have gotten them. Ok fine, I had noticed my Boobies had gotten a bit fuller and rounder and my man was taking a bit more interest in me but I didn’t think it was enough to grow more ‘roads’ on my map.

What am I to do? It is so cold in the mornings and it is dark and I am tired and hungry at night time. I can’t live on carrots and lettuce now can I? No!

I shall leave my ponderings for now and have a think about what I will do to change the way things are…..

No more chocolate :(

OMG, I am still fat! Not just fat but like, really fat. It isn’t a pretty sight anymore. Not sure it ever was but I could kinda deal with it before but man, I must have put on a shit load of weight in my sleep last night.

OK, so I have been drinking a little heavy (I have just moved house and the drinkies have settled me at the end of a long day) and I have been buying take away lunches most days (because I have just moved house and haven’t been that organised to take my lunches every day), and exersize is a thing of the past (because I have just moved house and have to drive 20 minutes to the bus stop and then catch a bus for 45 minutes to work and it drops me right out the front of work).  As you can see, this has all been out of my control, sorta.

Anyway, I had my photo taken with a friend that I built out of a balloon and tinsel today and I almost thought the lady taking the photo had edited the photo to stretch it. Surely I don’t take up that much of the photo? The balloon head looked like a pin head next to my fat face. Is my 2^nd chin really that large? It is kinda looking like a frog thing when it blows its face up. Not a pretty site.

So as I sit here with my belly full of a rich potato and beef casserole and sipping on a lovely apple cider, I think about what needs to be done. Things like, no more rich potato and beef casserole, no more delicious and relaxing apple ciders, gone are the chocolate treats from my desk buddy ‘C’ and look forward to the icy 5am mornings walking the dog in the dark and the huff and puff of the dreaded cross trainer at night.

Who can be bothered with this kind of lifestyle? I know of people who do this kinda stuff because they love it. I know right? There are actually people out there who look forward to that early morning rise for their run or trip to the gym and who love eating food with no calories or lovely sugars or creamy sundaes and lamb roasts with all the trimmings and lasagne dripping in cheese… oh, oops, lost track of what I was talking about LOL.

As of Monday, the 30^th of April, 2012, I will again embark on this insane journey of health. My fatness is now again uncomfortable and am running out of sheets to makes t-shirts out of. I need to trim down.

Oh, I forgot to mention the bus trip home. This was another wake up call that I am too fat… I got on the bus which was quite full and stupid me picked a seat next to another fatty! FFS, two fattys DO NOT fit on a standard bus seat. Half my ass was hanging over the edge of the seat and I could actually feel the wobble with each bump we went over. It was not comfortable. I wasn’t embarrassed but I wanted some extra support for the hanging bits.

Get ready for the grumpiness of the early days of the blog, when I first started the healthy way of living. Yes, dieting is a dirty word and no one is aloud to say it because if it is called a diet you will fail but if you call it a new way of life you will succeed (or something like that, all sounds like no fun stuff to me).

Xx 

The Little Loo

A few friends had been complaining lately that I haven’t blogged in a while. I asked them what I can blog about because nothing has happened and I am still fat. Well, thanks to my friends, something did happen and I shall blog about it right now!

Ok, so like I said, I am still fat. My excuse this time is because I have moved house. That’s right people, I have finally moved in with my boyfriend and it is a gazillion miles away from work. So, while packing and moving and cleaning old house and setting up new house, who had time to diet? I had to eat on the run and that meant quick and easy things like Strongbows for drinking and chocolate for snacking and I have managed to maintain my curvaceous figure quite well.

Now that I have been at the new house for a week and a half my new reason for not dieting yet is due to the excessive travel. I travel for a minimum 2 hours and 20 minutes a day to and from work which gives me very little time to organise lovely salads and healthy snacks and low calorie dinners. Whilst I am the luckiest woman in the world coming home to dinner cooked for me every night by Boyfriend, I can’t be dictating to him what to cook me now can I? That may make me out to be very ungrateful. So when I am served lovely lamb chops with mashed potato, who am I to complain? I didn’t cook it.

Anyway, let me get to the point of my conversation ok?

Last night I went to book club at it was held at a city pub which was great because they had cider! So we talked about our book and I had ciders and had a really good time. I didn’t eat any naughty stuff because none of it was gluten free so I was feeling quite good about myself until………….

Just as we were all about to leave, I had to go to the toilet due to my very long drive ahead of me. I went into the bathroom, opened the toilet door and ‘tried’ to walk in. I could not believe it but, I couldn’t get in! I had to open the door really wide and squeeze myself between the door and the toilet roll holder! Now, I know I am not a lean person but I am also not the Nutty Professor. How can the toilet be so small? Surely someone has complained. But how does one complain about not being able to fit in the toilet?

Once I had done my business, I waited until the person next to me had left because I knew it was going to be a struggle getting out and yep, almost broke the toilet holder AND the door. The darn door squeaked and groaned almost as much as me trying to get out of the loo!

Maybe this weekend I’ll try to organise myself enough to stop buying yummy lunches each day and indulging in my after work strongbows and go back to the healthy living and continue on my journey to waking up skinny.

I can’t start today because my desk buddy ‘C’ bought me a chocolate bar and it would be very ungrateful of me not to eat it!

That is all

The Leggings

I had decided on a new fashion for myself and for the first time in ages, I explained it to boyfriend. I told him I had bought a nice shirt dress and was going to buy some leggings to wear with it because I thought it would look very pretty.

He just looked at me for a while before responding that old people wear leggings under clothes and I responded that leggings were worn by all ages and sizes. He refused to believe me and didn’t support my new fashion. After he had ducked out to the store, he came back and said he had seen a girl with leggings over a very small pair of shorts and shook his head.

While we were at the zoo, he saw a very small girl with a pretty little skirt and leggings underneath. He said, See? Leggings are for Children!

I hadn’t told him that I had already bought a pair of leggings.

So, he found the leggings because stupid me had forgotten to put them away and the look of his face was horrendous! He held them up and was looking at them as I walked out of the bathroom. Now, as girls, we know these leggings look kinda tiny but they stretch beyond belief but obviously boyfriend was unaware of this.

The leggings looked absolutely tiny in his big man hands and he was looking at me and back at the leggings. I was trying to explain to him that they stretch and his eyes got even bigger at the thought of these little pants stretching enough to cover my fat ass!

I didn’t dare try them on while he was around because I was now starting to doubt these little black pants were going to fit but I’ll have you all know, the did fit! I looked kinda like a deformed sausage with bits sagging and rolling over the seams but I got them on!

Balloon Lady

I was a bit jumpy when I went to bed last night because ‘dog’ is in the country having a run around with boyfriends dogs so am all alone right now. I had locked all the doors and double checked them all before heading to bed but was still a bit out of sorts.

Finally, I fell asleep and woke a few hours later to the strangest feeling on my finger. I wear a ring on my left hand and it felt like someone was trying to steal it! OMG I was so scared. I had images of a robber person standing over me trying to get this ring of my fat little finger.

Then I realised it didn’t feel like someone pulling it off but more like pushing on it. I decided now that a rat was trying to eat my finger and has probably mistaken it for a small sausage! Where Is My Dog When I Need Him??

I snapped my hand away from robber/rat and turned the lamp on. There was nothing anywhere. Not a person or rat or even little fly.

You know what happened? In my sleep I must have gotten even fatter because my ring was squeezing my finger and it was so uncomfortable that it had woken me up!

Once I had soaped up my hand and arm, I finally got the ring off my finger and wondered if I should admit myself to the emergency department because yes, I am fat but is it possible to get even fatter in your sleep. The ring on my finger certainly wasn’t uncomfortable before I went to bed.  I was concerned but thought about what I would say to the emergency department?

• I woke up fatter… or
• Help, I’m a balloon! Pop Me!

So I decided to not bother with the emergency department and went back to bed, ringless but yes, checked those door locks again for safety.

Turns out, I am not a balloon at all. Auntie Flo came to visit and it is because of her that my fingers ballooned up. Even the best locks on the door don’t stop Auntie Flo visiting. Blugh

LBL v's BBS (It's all about wee)

I thought I had found the answer to walking fast therefore burning more calories therefore increasing the chances of waking up skinny quicker!

I had finished work the other afternoon and said to a colleague that I wasn’t going to go to the toilet before leaving work that night because I figured it would make me walk my 2.5 kilometres home quicker. Are you agreeing with me right now? It makes sense hey because I would need to walk faster to get home even if I was too tired because I would need the toilet.

Well, this worked very well to start with because I already needed to go to the loo. I was grinning away to myself for this very clever invention of mine and almost smirking at other fatties walking home at a slow pace because they didn’t know of my cleverness.

Then it happened. Half way home and the ‘wanting to go to the toilet’ became ‘NEEDing to go to the toilet’. My bladder was now full to the top and needed emptying and I was what seemed like miles and miles from my house. And no, there were no public toilets near me at this stage.

My brisk walk now developed a bit of a hip swing to it as I tried to keep everything in the bladder and not have an early release! The discomfort was horrible and the only thing on my mind was my house. My front door, my toilet!

Then I started thinking about those new ad’s on television advertising this LBL thing which stands for Light Bladder Leakage. Now this is all well and good to have pads for this but do they have them for BBS? That stands for Big Bladder Squirts. What if you don’t have a little delicate bladder that leaks gently? What if it is a big one that gushes out instead of leaks? Yeah, they didn’t think of that when they were marketing this and this LBL could well be a cause for a discrimination case from those with big bladders.

You know how when you are hungry right, and peoples faces look like a delicious hamburger or lamb roast? Well park benches and even small shrubs started to look like shiny white toilets! It was getting near impossible and I was trying to think of everything BUT toilets but they were flashing before my eyes.

Finally, I turned the corner to my street and saw my gate! Oh the joy! You know what I am talking about don’t you? As I got the key out to open my gate, I realise I had ‘relaxed’ a little and almost left my bladder deposit right there on the street!

By now I was in a mad panic and raced through the gate and got to the front door fiddling around for the correct key, keeping everything as tight as can be and raced through the house not even grunting a hello at my dog, and made it to the bathroom.

My neighbours were all probably very envious of the sexy time I was having due to the groans of pleasure not knowing it was only a wee hehe. That was one of the most amazing wee wee’s I have ever had in my life. The joy and sensation of having that wee made me cherish toilets all that bit more.

I wont be using this technique again and I don’t recommend it to anyone. 

Holding the Gas

Firstly, I shall apologise to Boyfriend for any offence taken.

Moving on….

I was walking home from work all red faced and puffing like a woman in labour when I noticed Mr Hunky. He was all of 18 years old, very tall and oh so lovely to look at and that made my walk home very pleasant.

Along came a bit of a shortcut across a park and yes, I took it. He didn’t. I sped up a bit now because there was nothing lovely to look at on my walk and it was then I realised, he didn’t take the shortcut but the long way and was now behind me!

OMG! Do you know what the meant?

It meant, I couldn’t fart on the way home and I had built up an extremely large amount of gas throughout my work day!

Now, I became to despise Mr Hunky boy because there was so much gas built up and he was on the section on my walk home where I always release.

Thankfully, he disappeared (I did wonder if I had let one go accidently and he evaporated in a cloud of dust) and when I finally let go, it was like a little jet engine powering me on toward home just that little bit quicker J

That is all

Oh, one more thing, am visiting Skinny Chick tomorrow (my dietician). Wish me luck because I have lost no weight. I had the flu damn it. 

Bumsters

So, remember last time how I wore out my fat jeans from my thighs being best friends? Well, I went and bought a new pair and because I am still fat, I figured I would just get the cheapest size fat jeans. There is no use trying these jeans on because I am not going to be looking at my fat ass in the mirror to see if I look sensational.

Today I put these jeans on and realised that half of them are missing. Where the hell is the top part of my jeans? Yes yes yes, they are elastic waist but they are BUMSTERS!

Who on earth designed these things? Very few people look great in hipsters let alone a fat chick in bumsters! I almost injured myself by pulling them up to high not realising the stop short. It is still a little tender ‘down there’!

So to all the fat clothes designers, here are some of my suggestions for you to follow

1. a pouch to put the stomach into attached to a pair of jeans
2. we DO NOT want fitted t-shirts that stop just above the waist
3. skinny jeans are for skinny people, just be honest and call them fat jeans
4. we DO NOT need G-Strings because our normal knickers become G-Strings
5. double lining needed between the thighs to stop holes from rubbing together
6. no leggings should be available to anyone bigger than a size 6
7. sexy lingerie? Are you kidding? Not necessary thanks
8. if you need padded push up bras being a size fat, you are not fat enough
9. sports singlet and shorts? We Are Fat! Do you think we need these?
10. winter coats. We have enough blubber to keep us warm, coats not needed

that is all

The Beast

Argh! I have become one of ‘them’!

You know who I am talking about. The ones who make a change in their lives and then decide everyone is worse off for not following their leads. The newly non smokers, the sudden gym goers and the new dieters. Yep, I am the new dieter.

I am constantly looking at peoples shopping trolleys, their lunch choices, what they’re having for breakfast and I shake my head until my chins all do a jiggle dance.

My desk buddy who we will call ‘C’ eats absolutely terribly but what annoys me the most, she doesn’t put on any weight. I watch her eat her ham and cheese toasted croissants for breakfast (a little bit of drool escapes my mouth every time she eats this), she will then follow with her morning tea of a little chocolate treat of some sort (she does try to hide this from me), lunch can range from a nice healthy salad or vegetables to a home made chicken schnitzel roll made by her boyfriend or a nice pasta dish left over from last night. Through out the rest of the day will be coke and maybe another chocolate or lolly. The whole time I am counting my calories and eating tuna out of the tin but watching her the whole time imagining it is me eating this wonderful food.

And then, I become the ‘beast’ and lecture her on what she is eating and the calories and so forth. Thankfully she nods her head as though she is taking it all in and humours me and it isn’t until I stop flapping my gums that I realise what has happened to me! And what’s worse is I am still fat AND lecturing people on what they should and shouldn’t eat.

I honestly can’t help it though. I wonder if I do it through pure jealousy or because I honestly believe there shouldn’t be that much sugar, oil, salt and fat in ones diet. Who the hell am I kidding? It is only jealousy. I want to eat that food and I want to drink that stuff.

Now that I have to monitor all of my food intake and my food out-take (that means poo’s) I find myself monitoring everyones intake and out-take. I even explained to my desk buddy one day that she was late in doing her poops for the day because she normally goes at 3pm. Yes, I even know when she poops.

I need a new hobby I think. 

Overactive imagination

I fear I am losing my mind. My current state of fatness v’s dieting is warping my head. Before I start my rant, I’ll get you up to speed as to where I am at since the last blog.

I AM STILL FAT.

Right, now we have that out of the way let me tell you what happened this morning.

I was walking along at a ‘brisk pace’ to work in the early hours of this morning (7am) when I stopped at the footpath because there was a man in a van (oohh rhymed!) coming along. So I stood there waiting for him to get to the intersection and make his way along the road when I realised he had stopped.

He was waving me through so I could walk while he waited for me instead of the other way round. Oh wow did I blush. It has been so very long since a young man had stopped to let me walk, and there wasn’t even any traffic on the road at that time of the morning and he gave me a little smile and off he went.

Well, three more steps later I realised, he is one of those weirdos that love fat chicks! You know the ones? They pay money to watch fat people eat on the internet. I have seen it on the TV before. Or he could be one that pays fatties who watch fat chicks do their housework in lingerie. I also saw that on TV but it was on Desperate Housewives and the chick wasn’t fat. She was skinny and gorgeous but you get where I am going don’t you?

I was getting really worried that he was now going to come back and get me. He was in a van so that means there is enough room in there for me to be hidden. I almost gave myself whip lash trying to see what direction he went in. I couldn’t find him so I made my pace even brisker and got to work at record speed.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up the elevator, I realised, this poor guy went from being a polite young man to a serial sicko going after fat chicks with no fault of his own! I am hoping he didn’t have my thoughts radioed into his head otherwise he’ll never let another person walk ahead of him again.

Obviously it has been a little while since I have had a chocolate bar. My mind does tend to wander once in a while into strange places.

40 and FAT

Where have I been? Well, not getting skinny that’s where! I am so bothered right now it is beyond any kind of bothered I have ever been and I am going to tell you about it.

So, for those who don’t check in each post, here is a summary.

I woke up fat. I thought it was my fault but turns out I have some fatty liver and enlarged pancreas issue. To get rid of these issues, I have needed to be on a diet of no dairy, salt, gluten (am a celiac anyway), sugar, tea or coffee, alcohol, preservatives and anything else that tastes good. That pretty much leaves me with a couple of carrots and celery. Fantastic results in the first five weeks, lost 8 kilos! Was feeling fine, ordering size 8 clothes for ‘the day I wake up skinny’ and was bragging about myself to anyone with ears.

And that is where it all stopped.

Yep, the weight stopped coming off and started coming back on. The bloody weight has found me again! I am living off things that grow in the dirt and I am putting on weight? I am walking over 5 kilometres a day and I am ballooning out everywhere? What. Is. Going. On?

Have I been naughty? Yes yes I have but not super bad. I have consumed 0 alcohol during the week and even went without alcohol through the whole Christmas period. I indulged a little on Sunday and had a gluten free cannelloni which was enough to feed a mouse. Prior to this I have gone without! I have been disgustingly good that by now I should look like a very hungry human being. BECAUSE I AM!

So, my next course of action is to march myself into the doctors office tomorrow afternoon and demand an answer (or liposuction) and then I am going to go out for dinner with my bestie and eat a steak and some potato! Yes, I am doing that because I am fat anyway and nothing else is working so I am going to eat some real food. Then, I am going back to the dietician on Saturday morning prior to going to a pub for drinks with my other bestie for her birthday. That’s right, alcohol for me on Saturday thank you.

This dietician I am going to, I call her stick girl, is the one I went to ages ago and when I heaved myself into the miniature chair she asked me what I was there for. Remember? When my fat rolls were hanging over the side of the chair arm rests and my third chin had a pimple on it? And I had to explain to her I am there to see a dietician because I AM FAT! Yeah, I had to explain to stick girl I was there to see her due to my fatness. And then she had the audacity to tell me I was doing everything right. Well geez lady, explain to me why YOU look hungry and I look like I hate the entire cities worth of food??

She is only getting a second chance with me because finding a dietician in the city of Adelaide is simply impossible.

And another thing. Remember my fat suit that I loved so much because it sucked the fat in and made me only semi fat? Well it is starting to spit! Can you imagine what that looks like? It is not a flattering look at all. Ok, unless you are a size 6, a fat suit isn’t going to look good on anyone but imagine a failing fat suit on a fat chick. It is horrid. Kinda reminds me of a condom on a limp …. Well, you know what I mean. I really don’t want to have to put myself through the trauma of having to go and purchase another one at target where I will be served at the checkout by a 12 year old size nothing who will look at this strange garment and wonder how on earth something so small is going to wrap itself around a chick so fat. I’ll get so angry that I’ll want to yell at her “it Might happen to you too skinny girl!”. Do you see what I mean? Something’s are just too hard. Maybe I should just buy it online on one of those online shopping stores.

Right, so that is my situation as of today. Fat, less than a week away from 40 and fungry (that is my hungry with an f to go with fat and forty). If anyone has a chocolate or two, please send them my way…..

Life on the Loo

My body is very annoying ok? It really annoyed me today especially. I’ll tell you why.

It was my lunch break and as I was about to leave to enjoy some fresh air and a spot of shopping, a lovely work mate who I shall call IR gave me a gluten free, yoghurt covered, apricot thing.

Before you start flapping your gums at how naughty that was let me tell you I DESERVED IT OK! MY PERIOD IS DUE AND I AM SICK OF SALAD OK? AND I AM SICK OF FISH OK? AND SICK OF WATER OK?

So anyway, I had this tiny little treat and off I went on my walk. Luckily I decided I was rich and should shop at Myer because my stomach started to have a little doosh doosh party (that is a music party with lots of bass ok?) and I thought, oh no, we are going to have an incident soon.

I found the toilets and thank goodness there was hardly anyone in there because BOY did I make some noise in there. That tiny little treat had reeked havoc on my poor body and everything needed to get out as quickly as possible. Being a public toilet, I didn’t mind too much about the noise I was making (I wasn’t going to see any of these people again anyway) but PHEW, the smell was disgusting! I had to flush a couple of times to clear the air and start again.

Seriously, you’d think that going back on to my good diet only a few days ago wouldn’t have detoxed my body to the point that it is going to freak out with such a small treat would you? Well let me tell you, it did and I was completely exhausted after that. Thank goodness everyone had departed the toilets because when I walked out, anyone would have thought I had just had sexy time in the cubicle. I looked quite hot and bothered and frazzled hehe.

This morning I weighed myself and I had gotten back to the weight of 80.2 kilos and I super duper want to run home and weigh myself again now because I can almost guarantee that I pooped out more than 200 grams!

Cross your fingers that I have finally gotten under 80 Kilos please!