My Massage

A great girl friend I shall call AC bought me a massage for Christmas and today is when I went. Let me tell you about it.

The girl who greeted me at the door was so full of energy that I hated her already. Only because I have minus zero energy but she was friendly and way too happy not to like so I jest, I didn’t hate her.

Once I was naked except for my knickers, I lay down on my stomach as I was instructed. My worry was that half of me was going to fall off the little massage bed but thankfully, my fat parts stuck to me enough not to fall off.

One thing did feel very strange was my boozies. While I was laying on my stomach with my head through a hole in the bed, my boozies felt like that were going to come out of my back! The pain was horrid. I wondered how I was going to lay here for an hour with that kind of pain. I also wondered why they didn’t have two extra holes in the table for this reason. I would much prefer my boozies hanging though holes that the feeling of them being squished by my weight.

Anyhoo, ends up that you do get used to that discomfort so I survived that bit. It always makes me wonder why masseuse’s don’t put something pretty to look at under that hole.

So, whilst this energiser bunny worked on my body as thought it was a lump of dough, I didn’t think I would survive. Her fingers pushed and prodded parts that hadn’t been touched in years, simply because I didn’t even know they existed. She was massaging my glutes (that is my bum for normal people like me) because it eases the pressure in my lower back. Who’d a thought that? Well it did but anyway, the pain was excruciating! Maybe AC wasn’t really my friend at all, maybe she had planned this pain and discomfort….

Another thing I didn’t realise was you really get the urge to fart. Well, you might not but I certainly felt the urge. I wanted to ask her if anyone had ever farted while she was massaging but didn’t want to upset here and cause her to push a little deeper into my tender body. So I held my question (and fart) inside.

Through the hole in the bed I did notice that my energiser bunny had the most amazing feet. I have always loved pedicures but only as an absolute treat because I wondered who on earth spent their time looking at peoples feet (except those weirdos who get off on that kind of thing) but now I know that lovely looking feet are really nice.

For 60 minutes she kneeded, prodded, poked, soothed, oiled and massaged me to the tunes of birds (could have been dolphins also) and all done by candle light and a little lamp. Once she had finished I felt amazing! I almost floated out of that place. It was gorgeous.

The only worry I had (besides death) was drinking once I had gotten home. I was incredibly worried that I would be like a colander and spurt water out of all the holes the energiser bunny had poked into me. Don’t worry though, it didn’t happen thank goodness and I still feel amazing.

Included in AC’s gift was yoga classes so I shall book myself in for one of those real soon.

Gaining Weight

Ok, who's stupid idea was it to start a diet in december? Well, it was my doctor but geez, do you have any idea how hard this is?

I got right down to 80.2 kilos and then I ate something and had a little drinkie (and i mean little) and am now back up to 80.8. grr. And now, it is New Years Eve and as we are doing nothing this year except hanging out with Dog and babysitting another dog who we will call little dog, how am I supposed to behave today?

I'll tell you how, I WONT! In an hour, some poor woman is going to have to kneed this fat back into an aromatherapy relaxation (great friend bought me a massage for Christmas) and then, I shall return home after an hour of that to enjoy the first of my New Years Eve drinkies.

Seriously, fairs fair ok? I have had to endure gorgeous food smells from boyfriend and watch him tuck into pizzas, egg and bacon on muffins, beers etc. Even the dogs food started to smell amazing. So today, I shall enjoy myself and get back on track tomorrow.

See Through Jeans

It moved! Yep, I felt it and even saw it. My gorgeous and full Pandora bracelet has been imbedded into my wrist for well over a year. I feared losing it not too long ago because it looked like the skin was starting to grow over it but today, it moved. My wrists are on their way to Skinny Town!

I can now wriggle my wrist and hand and my bracelet turns a little bit. The holes in my wrist from where the bracelet used to live are disappearing too. One day soon I might be able to put my watch on. I think I still have a way to go for that though. I must have had the wrists of a 6 year old before becoming a fatty though because that watch is tiny! And no, I am not buying a new watch when I have a perfectly good, $245 guess watch that I bought myself.

Anyway, something else happened on Wednesday that I completely forgot to tell you about. So I’ll do it now ok?

We were aloud to wear casual closes to work on Wednesday because we were going out to celebrate Christmas as a work team. I did manage to have a sensational lunch that the hotel provided for me but we wont talk about that because something huge happened.

I went to the toilet before we went off to lunch. Everyone probably knows by now how fascinated with toilets and toilet business I am so this will come as no surprise but, when I was waiting for Mr Poopie (they take a while to come out on this new diet) I was bored and was checking out my pretty undies. They were red and I always imagine myself as a bit of a girl Superman with them on. A part of my undies looked weird and as I moved them a bit to look at the seam, I realised I could see the toilet floor and a part of my shoe!! OMG I couldn’t believe it. It is like being in a car with no floor. Well, ok,  it probably isn’t like that at all because the floor wasn’t moving but you know what I mean. I then moved my girl Superman undies out of the way and looked at the inside of my jeans.

THEY WERE SEE THROUGH!  My thighs had become such good friends that whilst they rubbed together on my walks and so forth, they had worn away the fabric between my legs! And remember from an earlier discussion we had, my knees had become enemies and wouldn’t go near each other? Well that means that while I have been sitting around with my knees hating on each other, my knickers had probably been seen by the whole world!

Now, I hear you saying that due to my thighs being best friends and all, they would hide the see through bits right? Well you are wrong because now they aren’t liking each other as much as before and they are growing apart!

Unfortunately, as I have yet to wake up skinny (but still on the way) I have absolutely no other jeans that fit and am wearing them today. I tried to find my black girl Batman knickers but to no avail so I have skin coloured ones on. I thought this was the next best thing to black but I have since realised that if anyone sees me they are going to think I have no knickers on at all. Somedays I just shouldn’t bother trying LOL. I am quite a twit. Even the white ones would have been better than skin colour. At least my ‘down there’ looks a little tanned LMAO

Numbers

Here is the full picture. I am not sure what you are picturing I look like besides gorgeous so I am going to assist you today with some numbers.

Remember how I used to be skinny right? Well, skinny in my world is 60 kilos. I am five foot and nothing inches so even 60 kilos looked a little on the bigger side but I still fit into normal sized clothes and felt ok about myself.

Once I became a huge fatty, my weight went right up to 89 kilos. It was at this weight that my lovely, wonderful, wise, amazing, patient and understanding doctor sent me off for two tests and found the answer. Anyway, that is explained in a previous blog so I wont bore you by telling you again.

Anyhoo, when I started my new liver and pancreas diet (to repair liver and pancreas, not eat them), I was 87.5 kilos! My stomach was 45 inches! Massive I know and that is why I kept doctor shopping to find out why I looked pregnant all the time.

As of today, the 16^th of December, 2011, I have lost 5.8 kilos! OMG I know! So I now weigh 81.7 kilos. I am walking 2.5 kms in the morning to work and again 2.5 kms home again in the arvo. My stomach is now 40 inches which I am pretty happy with.

It is a lie when people say you start to love exercise so don’t believe it. I do it because I have to work for a living LOL. I have my motorbike but it is crashed and unregistered and my boyfriend has my car in the country all week so I have to walk. It is good having to walk because otherwise I think I would be inclined to take the motorbike.

Having said that, now the blubber is falling off me, it does motivate me to attempt to enjoy the walk so I do wear my headphones and listen to my music.

Am I hungry? No. do I feel like a beer and burger? YES but I know that I am doing what is best for my inside fat parts so I will continue eating my sticks of celery, carrot and cucumber, enjoy my berries for breakfast and steamed veg and fish for dinner.

Oh Yeah Baby - Shaking that Arse......

5.2 kilos baby in 10 days! Ooooohhhh yeah, shaking them hips, moving my booteah! It’s happening. I have hit the first big one. The big 5 KILO mark!

And…. My boozies are now bigger than my belly!

Close your eyes and imagine me curtseying you all.

Back later……….

I've lost the Duck Waddle!

Lets start with my weight loss – 4.9 Kilos in 7 days thank you

There are HUGE changes going on that I just had to share but first, I’ll have a whinge.

You know how fatties lost weight and you can’t tell for aaaaaages because they are so fat? Well I must be one of those because I have lost 4.9 kilos (almost 5 kilos yippeee) but no one has noticed L and to be honest, I can’t tell where I have lost all of this weight so it must be on the inside bits.

I have noticed some weird things happening though. One of the biggest things was this morning when I was tying  up my shoe laces. I thought it felt weird and then I realised I wasn’t being suffocated by my boobs which are normally pushed up by my stomach! I could actually reach and tie my shoelaces up and maintain my breathing!! Normally it would be a bit of a darth vadar moment struggling for breath whilst trying to see over my mounds of flesh just to find my shoe laces. I would then have to come up for air and then go back down there to tie them. Now I just tie them up!

And, when walking to work this morning I noticed I didn’t need the majority of the foot path because my arms weren’t sticking out like they normally do, they were by my side. I’ll give you a better description so you understand what I am rambling about. Usually I have a bit of a duck waddle going on right? And just like a body builder (or wanna be bodybuilder) my arms don’t touch my sides not due to muscle but due to fat! But that has ceased. Cool huh?

Now, please do not read the next bit if you are eating or don’t like to talk about poo but OMG my poops stink! Seriously, I am eating nothing but raw veg and steamed veg and fish. There are no sauces, dairy, gluten, oils NOTHING I tell you. And once I have been to the loo, it smells like a barn. Soooo grose and am very much hoping that changes and that my poops go back to smelling like pretty flowers.

My worry about myself is, I am such a square now L. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs, don’t eat naughty food……. What do I do? Nothing that’s what. I am wondering what naughty stuff I can do. And I come up with nothing. Maybe I could say a swear word in front of my mum (really quietly but say it all the same).

I’ll be back later. I need to think of something naughty to do…….

I'M SHRINKING

Whooo Hooo! I have lost 4 kilos in five days! I know I know, I am supposed to lose weight slowly but who am I to argue with my almost skinny body? Ok, so I am a fair way off being skinny but geez, 4 kilos!

If you read the last blog on all of the things I can not eat then you’ll probably understand why I have lost so much weight. And before you go calling my mum because you are concerned about some sort of eating disorder I will develop, don’t bother because I LOVE FOOD!

How has this happened I hear you ask? You have your pen and paper ready for my current diet. Righteo. Try having steamed cauliflower for breakfast. Yep, nice huh? And carrot sticks and celery sticks and any other vegetable stick you can think of for morning tea, lunch and arvo tea. For dinner I steam some fish with more veg and that is my day done!

There are no more boiled eggs. This is ruining me because I love a couple of cackleberries in the morning but who am I to argue with whats best for my health. I am also missing my cups of coffee. These have been replaced with peppermint tea and green tea.

I just re read what I wrote and I sound like a vegan, tree hugging hippie! Well don’t get me wrong because a little big of drool comes out when work mate sits and eats his egg and bacon toasted sandwich in the morning. My eyes cross over when I see other work mate enjoying his ham sandwiches on fresh white bread.  A little tear rolls down my face when I see an advert for a Christmas turkey just out of the oven with all the trimmings.

Its not easy to do this diet so I wish for you all to see me as a hero of some sort.

Besides the lack of food and taste and flavours, the other crapola thing about this diet is the lack of energy. Wow, I really feel like I am a bag of nothing wandering around not knowing what on earth I am doing. I can’t think straight and I practically have to drag myself to work at a reasonable pace and it is an effort not to allow myself to stop. Seriously, how do these people with that eat next to nothing a day manage to get things done? I can barely remember my own name most of the time let alone remember to speak to someone when asked a question. Thankfully I now have vitamin and mineral supliments so that should assist the brain and body to work as normally. Not that either did a great job before but I need all the help I can get.

I worked out that a poop weighs in at about 200 grams for anyone who has been wondering about that. And no, I didn’t weigh it in the kitchen scales because that would be too grose even for me but I weighed myself before and after one and wowza! Pretty impressive hey?

That is all for now. I need to go an find some more ‘sticks’ of something to eat

Fat on the Inside - Skinny on the Outside

Sorry for the delay in blogs but I am still here and still fat but have the most amazing news ever……. I may be able to give up the blog and start one called, I woke up skinny!

My doctor has diagnosed my fatness! Before I tell you what it is, I shall tell you what other doctors and people have said my ‘issue’ was. Keep in mind I was a smallish size before I developed a huge protruding stomach. The rest of my body fattened up at a later date but with regards to my stomach, here are some diagnoses

1. You eat too many carbs, have you thought of cutting down? My reply “do you think I ate a whole bag of potatoes last night?
2. It is probably just wind – they prescribed charcoal tablets. Let me tell you,  if my massive stomach (looked about 8 months worth of pregnancy) was a heap of wind, I would have needed a motorbike helmet for the time the wind came out. That wind would have sent me shooting straight to the roof!
3. It’s a beer gut, give up the beer and your gut will disappear (no it didn’t work)
4. You are gulping too much air while you sleep and when you eat. (another wind issue)

I had had so many ultra sounds, CT scans, MRI’s, saw Chinese herbalist, natrupath, dietician, doctors and went on who knows how many diets.

Thankfully I persisted and saw a doctor who was recommended to me from my wonderful cousin. Even though my new doctor made me stay fat for another year (yes, I had bigger issues than my stomach and bum), I am glad she found the reason for my fatness!

It is …………… a fatty liver and pancreas. Yep, no gas or carb issues, no beer guy or too much air when I eat, it is a liver and pancreas thing. So there you have it. I am not fat all all, well ok, I am fat on the inside but not on the outside!

All I have to do now is lose the inside fat and it’ll show my skinniness on the outside!!

I have more tests tomorrow but have started the new ‘diet for the liver and pancreas” today which I am not loving but I will love the results.

This is the list of foods I can NOT have

• Eggs (oh I will miss my cackleberries)
• ALCOHOL
• All sugar
• All dairy
• All gluten
• All fats and processed foods
• All preservatives
• Corn
• Coffee and Tea
• Soft Drinks
• Warm water seafood
• Lamb
• Pork
• Processed meats eg: ham

That is all I can think of right now and also, this list is making me too hungry for all the things I can’t have. I am at work wondering what I can eat for a snack. So, I am going to the supermarket on my lunch break to buy celery, carrots, cucumber and smoked salmon. That should be a nice selection of snacks.

So, this is my exciting news. I shall keep you all updated on my progress. This is day one and I am feeling skinny already, I just don’t look it that’s all J

Signing off

The Soon to be skinny!