Silly Skinnies

Today I went to a Mall a long way from home and ran in to an old friend who had recently had a baby. The baby of course was gorgeous and what not but my friend looked like she hadn't ever been pregnant. now, i know she didn't buy the baby because i had seen her pregnant so it is obvious what has happened here. She lost her baby weight way too fast. Every one knows you must do this slowly to ensure it stays off and you are healthy.

So, I realised I had put on a few kilos since I last saw her but this is only natural as any mother will tell you. It is difficult juggling kids, work, family, friends and weight loss. It is very obvious I am one of these mothers who are very busy and doesn't have a lot of time for the gym and cooking nutritious food. There is so much to do all of the time.

Now, I am not one for trying to help the skinnies because they clearly dont need help but this was a special case with my friend being a new mum and all. I advised her it is best to lose weight very slowly and correctly after having had a baby. She nodded (she knows I am right) and then asked how old my baby was now. I advised her that my daughter had recently turned 18. Not 18 months but 18 years and yes, I am taking my advice very very seriously. Slow and Steady!

Having said all of that, I must confess to my fatty friends, something very unusual happened recently. I lost two kilos! Now now, I didn't try to lose these two kilos, they just went somewhere. I did ensure my stomach wasn't sitting on the towel rail while I was weighing myself because I couldn't quite believe it either but sure enough, two kilos are gone. Dont forget, they are out there somewhere so take care not to catch them ok? Unless you are a skinny, then go for it, they're all yours.

So what did I do I hear you asking. Well, I stopped drinking beer for Dry July. Not only did I lose those two kilos but geez do I have a lot more money than before. Yes, I did enjoy a few beers each night and it adds up to a lot of money.

Next week, I might even pull the cross trainer out from under the stairs. It will be a big job though because the dog bowl is in front of it as well as a lovely plant on top of the dog food bin. It will take a lot of organisation so if it doesn't get done next week you know why.

Fat Chicks are Hot

So, for the last few years I have blamed my excessive sweating on menopause. I wasn't alone though because even doctors have agreed with me that it is highly likely that I am experiencing either menopause or pre menopause.  How else can you explain, even in the middle of winter, I have the pedestal fan on whilst sleeping at night. Or, wearing only a t-shirt to do my grocery shopping whist everyone else in the store has jackets and scarfs on? How about almost passing out from heat exhaustion from a simple stroll to the letter box!

There is still a good chance that it is menopause ok? But I have been noticing other fatties that stand in line at the shop who are as slippery and shiny as I am. When i look at a skinny minny, more often than not, she will be a little chilly but looking as cool as a cucumber. It drives me batty to constantly be mopping my brow, flapping my arms like a desperate bird unable to take flight whilst trying to dry my underarms, wriggling around trying to move my bra so it scratches the itchy spot under my boobies that is now saturated and tickley.

I read an article recently that the more you sweat, the more calories you are burning. BULLSHIT! There are, at most, 2 hours when I am not sweating and fanning myself and I can tell you right now, my calories are staying put. They aren't going anywhere!

My dietician thinks I am going to be skinny in four weeks from our first visit (that means three more weeks until I am skinny) so I will be able to judge a little clearer as to weather I am going through menopause or if this hot chick is hot because of my slight weight gain.

The Dietician

I've done it. Not only did I make an appointment to see a dietician, I actually went but was disappointed when i walked out of my appointment because I was still FAT!

I have decided the dietician sees me as a threat. She doesn't want me to be skinny because she is frightened. She hasn't made me feel anything other than hungry!

Waddling into her neat little office following her non existent arse, I heaved myself down into a chair suited for a child, and then, she has the stupidest question to ask me. "What has bought you to my office today?" WTF? Is she not seeing me? Am I one of those skinny chicks that sees a fat chick in the mirror? Did I wake up skinny today? I tell her 'Well, I am here because I am fat'. She nods with a thinking face on as though I have told her something she would never have guessed. By now I want to punch her in her cute little button nose but I will persist with talking to her for a while. I have not much else to do so I may as well stay and see what other idiotic questions she has for me.

She asks me to guess my weight. There is a set of scales right in the middle of the room. Not to the side descretely tucked away. Oh no, that would be too obvious if they were against the wall. In The Middle Of The Room. So, why do I have to guess when I can just step on them? Does she think I will smash her precious scales? Does she feel that I am too embarrased to step on them? I am at the bloody dietician, embarrasement has gone lady, lets get on with it already. So, in my know it all voice, I tell her. She looks at me and in her cute little girlie voice she asks if I would like to step on her scales. Why didn't she ask me that to begin with. You know what lady? Put the scales at the door I walked in and that way you can see how huge I am before I sit down and we will elimitate stupid question Number 1 and also the guessing game wouldn't be required either. I felt like I should have won a prize though because I was bang on the mark with my guess. Not sure if I was trying to impress her but I felt pretty smug for guessing right.

Anyway, down to what I learnt from her.

1.

2.

3. I know what I am doing.

She kept telling me I was on the right track and to come and see her in four weeks. Perhaps, deep down inside, she knows I am going to wake up skinny too. YAY

Fat Chicks Fart More

Alright you skinny people. What on earth do you do whilst sitting on the sofa watching TV? I have given up smoking, alcohol (am on day two) and have finished dinner.  It is soooo boring. I put the kettle on to make a 97% fat free hot chocolate but now cant be bothered getting up to make it.

And, it has come to my attention that I now make the noises I used to make during sexy times when I haul myself up from said sofa. It is super hard work. You would think with the amount of effort I put into getting of the sofa that surely I would burn up a mountain of calories yeah?

It usually starts off with my letting out a big sigh. then i swing my legs over the edge of the sofa. I start to rock. Back and forward, puffing and panting. Once my rocking rhythm is happening, I give one last push and a big long groan and up I go. I usually want to sit back down and have a rest after this but know the work it takes to get back up.

What amazes me as well as waking up fat is how quickly I have learnt the fat way of doing things such as the above section on rocking on the sofa to aid getting up. I have also developed a Darth Vader way of breathing. The waddle of a walk. Disguising flatulence. Yep, thats right. Read on...

I am pretty sure I did not carry around this much gas last week when I was a skinny minny. I find that it is always there even when I dont know it. Now, we all know the little sneaky farts that pop out sometimes during sex (yes, you know what I am talking about) and we try to shuffle around to make it sound like it was the sheets (I have never heard the sheets do this but pft, we all try to disguise it). There are also the farts when we pick up something heavy or doing a spot of yoga, maybe jogging or coughing a lot. 

Then there are the fatty farts. I don't even have to go jogging or do yoga to enjoy these moments. In a single cell toilet, who cares about the noise you create but I am not that lucky. I work in a big company and there are four cubicles and there is no music in the bathroom.  Below are some tried and tested ways of disguising your noises in the toilet.

1. Toilet Paper Roll. Start pulling the toilet paper out the moment you feel a fart heading out. This is great if your farts are quick and over in no time. This doesn't work for the frightened farts who need time and coaxing because you might run out of toilet paper and have people gossiping about how much toilet paper you require.

2. The Sanitary Bin. This takes time and can be grose but does work and handy for the frightened farts. It gives them time to come on out. Firstly you russle the plastic bag overhang on the bin. No fart yet? open and close the lid as though you are using it for its intended use. Nothing yet? Dont Panic because by now you can use the toilet paper roll method and your frightened fart should now be ready to come on out. With all that noise, you are telling the company you have your period, not hiding farts.

3. The Hand Dryer. This is the waiting game when you realise your fart ISN'T a fart but a bum blunder. Commonly known as a poop. When you realise the error you made, play the waiting game. Sit comfortably and breathe evenly. You are waiting for whoever else is in the toilet to hurry up and finish, wash their hands and finally use the hand dryer. This is when you can let loose and do it as quickly as possible. Pull as many faces as you need, wriggle around on the toilet seat to make it all happen fast before that hand dryer turns off. Should you walk out of the toilet to an empty bathroom, pull the cubicle door shut, rush into another stall and flush the toilet. Calmly walk out of that cubicle so when someone walks in, they wont think it was you that did the stinker in stall number four because you came out of stall number 2.

I feel it is important to keep track of your farties because I am pretty sure that when I wake up back to my normal size, I wont have this problem anymore. In the meantime, I am more than happy to share my tried and tested methods for those embarrasing moments. 

When did I notice that I was fat?

I couldn't wipe my bum without doing yoga! I was huffing and puffing, and not from pushing out my poop but from trying to reach my bum for a wipe. Did my arms shrink?  I was pretty sure I could wipe yesterday and now I am suddenly looking at the toilet brush and wondering if I wrap it in toilet paper, would that do the job? Then I thought of what it would feel like if the bristles came through the toilet paper and just thinking about it bought tears to my eyes. Wow, that would hurt A L OT! So, after much discomfort and contortioning, I finally got that big arse of mine cleaned and I was now ready for a little lay down. I was exhausted after all that work for what should have been such a simple exersise.

This might sound gross or weird or unusual but I am pretty sure i'm not the only person on the planet who's stomach got in the way of my little tiny arms stretching to my saggy baggy bum!

Obviously I noticed prior to the bum wiping incident that I had popped on a couple of extra pounds but seriously, that was just the weather and my hormones and my allergy to gluten.  It had nothing to do with my giving up smoking because my give up smoking book TOLD me that I wouldn't put on weight and I am sure I didn't. Secondly, it wasn't because I bought a motorbike and gave up walking everywhere because the motorbike was so much  more fun than walking and a hell of a lot quicker. Oh, and I had a sore knee so I couldn't walk ok! I had to rest my knee for over a year. (Am still resting it).

The other thing to happen during the supersized wake up call was I started huffing and puffing all over the place! How is that possible. Must be my lungs readjusting to my new found oxygen after giving up smoking. it has only been ten months since I gave up so the breathing thing HAS to be to do with that.

So, here I am. A fat chick. My boyfriend once said that riding a scooter was like having sex with a fat chick. Lots of fun to ride until your mates see you. Now, I am the fat chick! Don't tell my boyfriend though because I don't think he has noticed yet.

Moving forward, I am making changes to change me from the put put of a scooter into a nice sleek, black motorbike. In normal peoples talk, I think I'll drop this weight off and become smaller. I have bought a x-trainer which is great for hanging my shopping bags on but annoying to move when I need to get into the linen closet. I have removed all beer from my fridge. Yes I drank it but removing it is removing it ok? At least it is now done. Am participating in Dry July (no alcohol for July starting.... NOW). I am sitting here hungry watching master chef and instead of going to cook something to eat, I am blogging. Leaps and bounds! I feel the pats on the back already. I can almost hear people talking behind my back about how much weight I have lost. Ok, so I am imagining this but it will happen i tell you.

What are the benefits of being supersized?

1. Well, i am nice and snuggly warm almost 24 hours of the day which is lovely until I start sweating on a 12 degree day in Rundle Mall while everyone is bussling around in scarves and jackets and boots and I am in a t-shirt.

2. I wake up early and bound out of bed....because I am so hungry for breakfast. Gets me going early each morning.

3. Reduced energy bills in winter (remember, I am hot all the time so I needn't put the heater on)

4. The skinny minnies smirk at me but I smirk back knowing what might just happen to their skinny little bums and bony elbows bwaaaahahahah (that is my witchy laugh)

5. I am the jolly fat chick in the office

What are the cons of being 'this size'?

1. I have to put my seat back in the car because my stomach doesn't fit behind the wheel but now my legs dont reach the peddles! Think I'll just take the motorbike then

2. It costs a lot of money in food to maintain this figure of mine

3. Being unsure if my dog is fattening up because he has a sore knee and has food allergies or if it is because he hasn't had a walk in a while. About a year I think..

As far as I can see, the pros outweigh the cons but I shall do the opposite and will still consider losing the pounds.