Small Thought

I weighed myself this morning and found out I lost 800 grams in 7 days.

My small thought today is, how much does a Poop weigh?

I have more to say but now is not the time, stay tuned!

Hide and Seek

My new game when I go out is to play either hide and seek or to become a secret sleuth. I am sure my fellow fatties will know this game and some may even play it too. Here is what the game is for you skinny lurkers who read my blog.

I went to a supermarket recently and it wasn’t my local one so I was a bit excited about what they might have at their supermarket. Now, because I was in unfamiliar territory, I had to keep my eye out for People of the Past. These are people I haven’t seen in some time and who may get the ‘deer in headlight’ eyes when they see my new curvaceous figure. So, I am wandering along with my little shopping basket when I see someone! OMG it is a Person of the Past, and there is no way I want to be seen so I quickly turn the other way and swiftly, but not too obviously, walk to the end of the aisle, swing a right and head two aisles away. I then look through the aisles, thankfully this one has see through shelves and I can just glimpse them. They are now in the next aisle.

This super sleuth needs to be done in such a discrete way so as to not alert the security guy that is sitting in his office watching his monitor wondering what the hell this strange woman (me) is doing. You also don’t want to alert other shoppers because they might call the said security guard and that would be a whole different blog.

I found myself burning up a hell of a lot calories trying to avoid Person of the Past but am buzzing about so quickly and frantically at once stage (in the fruit and veg section where there is no where to hide) that I almost knock over a display of mandarins! Note to Supermarket People, big towers of fruit are NOT ACCEPTABLE! Imagine if I had knocked the stupid display over? Person of the Past would have seen me instantly and that would have been disastrous.

So, now that I am amazing at avoiding People of the Past in supermarkets, I have to now ensure there is enough petrol in the car to take me to another supermarket because I get so flustered that I forget half of what I even went to the supermarket for!

Tents

Big problems are arising. There is no escaping this one and I am in a right old pickle about it all. I have no where to turn. I don’t have enough money to escape it.

ITS SUMMER!

Shit, that means one thing… let the flab hang out. Seeings as though I just sweat my way through winter, summer is not going to be a walk in the park. Well, I can’t imagine even walking to the letter box out the front of my house let alone to the park but that is a whole separate issue.

SUMMER.

If I was rich I would catch the next flight out of Australia. Summer and me do not get along. We are not friends. At least in winter I can blame the bulk on extra clothing. Not that I got to do that this winter with the fatty sweats I had. Remember those? When I thought I was going through menopause and it just so happened it was fatty fat fat making me sweat so much. Which reminds me, have you ever smelt the sweat underneath your boozies? GROSE! Try it next time you feel a bit of sweat there and no, do not attempt yoga to smell it, just run your finger under your boobies and then smell.

Geez. I can not believe I just gave instructions on how to smell your boozie sweat.

So, back to summer ok? Last weekend I had to go to the tent section of my wardrobe to find something most suitable for a damn hot day. There is no dress on the market that I have found that suits a fatty. And what really shits me too is the fact that there are invisible insects that live in my wardrobe that nibble on my clothes reducing their size each season.

So, I put on a tent that felt amazing last season, it had room and even had a bit of a ‘flow’ happening. Now that the insects have had their nibbles, well, three course meal, this dress now fit as snug as a bug in a rug which is not how one wants to feel on a hot day! And to add to that, now that I am some what fatter, the dress snug and the big sweats happening, I now look like I am in a tennis dress with a bag full of tennis balls in my bum and having played ten billion rounds of tennis. Either that or my dress looks like it is a few different colours instead of one.

One can not wear a dress that tight made of a tshirt material with sweats! Or bumps. Or even having had a glass of water. Note to all dress makers. If you are going to make a dress sized fat, do not make it out of t-shirt material which shows everything!

As you have probably figured now, I do not look forward to summer. I barely look forward to spring.  I will cross my fingers that Moo Moo’s come back into fashion real quick otherwise I am stuffed this summer.

Oh, about the diet, I am going to start it again on Monday because I quit for a while due to it not working. Seriously, is there such a thing as a diet that works? I am starting to wonder if I should take up smoking again, or maybe get into drugs (no idea where I would start) or something.

That is all for now

He Found Out I Am Fat :(

He knows. Oh Shit, now there is no hiding it. My BF somehow found out I am fat. And how did I find this out you ask? Well I shall tell you.

It was a lovely weekend afternoon and the dog was really annoying me wanting to do dog things. Like, play with toys and run and it was too much for me to even try to put up with while I was relaxing so I decided I would take him for a walk to the park.

Everyone has their own way of doing things and my way of taking the dog for a walk to the park is to get into the car, drive to the park and let him chase the ball. Sounds good huh? Well, not to someone it doesn’t!

I picked up the keys , put the lead and collar on the dog and went to walk out the door. Boyfriend says to me, ‘why are you taking the car to walk the dog? Why don’t you walk him to the park?”

OMG, it was at that exact moment I knew he knew. I could hear him in my head calling me a fatty. Well I’ll fix his little red wagon (what ever that means) so I threw the keys onto the sofa, glared at him and stormed out of the house with dog. I was furious. And mortified. How long had he known? He was forcing me to walk to get skinny. What about my sore knee? What about sunburn? What if the dog got so tired at the park and needed to be carried home? He is a very big dog you know and too heavy to carry.

Well, as I walked off, I deliberately walked slow just so I wouldn’t lose any weight for you know who!! That’ll teach him for knowing stuff.

I know that doesn’t sound very logical but why didn’t he get up and walk the dog. He isn’t Mr Universe you know. The park may only be one and a half streets away (about four minutes walk) but it can be dangerous too. I have to walk past a pub full of happy people drinking drinks and eating food. Boyfriend didn’t think about that now did he? Also, Dog gets very scared of his own reflection in windows so I have to plan my street and a half walk to ensure I don’t walk past the two little windows whereby dog could very well pull the lead and rip my arm out of its socket.

See, everyone seems to think walking the dog is simple but it does come with some dangers and for someone of my size, if I get pulled over, I am pretty sure people would run after a huge dog with the risk of getting bitten than try to haul me up off the ground. Lucky for boyfriend it was an uneventful walk, nothing bad happened and dog came back tired. So did I for that matter because I forgot to walk slow and ended up walking a long way and a pretty decent speed.

Unfortunately I still haven’t woken up skinny but since that weekend walk, there have been quite a few more and, don’t tell boyfriend but, I walked two times to the park yesterday and dog slept all night without bothering me with demands of playing toys with him J

I think I also worked out how boyfriend found out I was fat. There are a few books around the house containing fitness and diet tips. Michelle Bridges books are here as well as the duken diet book, two 1 litre tubs of protein meal replacement powders, the stair master under the stairs, the dumbbells I use to prop a door open. I guess it was only time when he started putting 2 and 2 together hey?