Show Us Ya Boobs! (i cant) *sob*

Where are my boozies? Seriously! They have disappeared overnight. I am pretty sure I had a reasonably sized set yesterday but today…. No where to be found and yes, I did check to see if they were moonlighting as my kneecaps.

The only bonus I could find for being a fatty was having a decent set of boobies. As a skinny, I had none but as a fatty, oh Mama, I had some beauties. Ok, I wasn’t Miss Anderson or an Angelina Jolie but I was doin ok for a ‘larger sized woman’. Now, they have gone. Kaput. Moved out. Not sure what I shall flaunt now.

My understanding of all this walking to and from work each day is that these boozies of mine have been dancing to a different tune to the rest of my body and it is THEY that have lost weight. Why couldn’t my bum cheeks have been swinging away losing weight? Or a neck roll or two?  Why my boozies? I want them back. Now I just look like a butter ball without my cleavage.

It isn’t as though I was flashing them all over the place but they continued to make me feel womanly and curvy. Now I am just round. Blugh. I don’t like round. If someone bumps into me on my lunch break today I am afraid that I will roll away instead of trip. There is nothing to stop me rolling now. I don’t have a big nose or anything else protruding out of me, just one big bloody round ball.

I am going for a massage on my neck and shoulders today at the Mr Chinaman so perhaps when he massages my shoulder blades, he’ll push my boozies back out and I’ll be voluptuous again instead of round. How do I ask for this in an Asian accent. (he doesn’t speak very good English). Oh he is a professional, I’m sure he’ll realise what happened to my boozies once he starts massaging my back.

The way I see it, this walking thing isn’t doing much at all for me right now except taking away my girls and giving me a sore neck and shoulders.

That is all (for now)

The Fat Suit and Shakes

I bought a fat suit. Yep, you know what I am talking about. Those huge big massive pants that go up to your boozies and down to your knees and suck the fat in. I must say I was a bit scared to start with wondering where the fat goes. Like, am I going to put this thing on and become super skinny and then my head explodes because the fat went all the way up! Or was I going to have saggy baggy knees because the fat came out the bottom of the pants? Well, obviously neither happened but wow! Are these things ugly or what?

Going to the toilet is always an experience for me but now, I have to give myself an extra ten minutes just to get everything off! Pulling them back on is a challenge too because I need a bit more room and there just isn’t enough of it in the cubicle.

What really annoyed me is that I look nothing like the lady on the tag of my new wonder pants. Why put a size six model on a “size fat” pair of fat suckers? Having said that, I don’t want to see a size fat model in these things either so perhaps they should just have a drawing of the pants or something.

So with a weeks worth of walking, wearing a fat suit and drinking meal supplement shakes for two out of three meals, I have lost a whopping 500 grams! Are you shitting me? this is just stupid! Perhaps I am already at my ideal weight? What if all of the books are wrong? They tell me I should be substantially lighter but according to who? I mean, I can buy size fat clothes everywhere, I can fit on my office chair without hanging all over the place (hang on while up pick a boob up of the ground), right, now I am not hanging all over the place, I can get from A to B without the need for a crane. So, why do I have to lose weight?

Thankfully, the shakes are yummy so I will continue having them for the time being. I am really running out of time and motivation. I have 127 days to be fit and fabulous before I turn the HUGE 40.

I have heard that the more you do something the easier it becomes. So tell me why, when I wake up in the morning, I walk like a 90 year old!? I can barely get one foot in front of the other and my entire body hurts. I feel like I need a human sized bandaid to put on me because I can’t work out where the pain starts and finishes. After five days of walking I was exhausted! I did not start to enjoy it and it didn’t get any easier so the next person who tells me this lie might just get a face full of abuse.

Something positive did occur on the day five of walking though. My boss said to me that I looked like I was glowing. (no, she wasn’t looking for information as to weather I am fat or pregnant because she knows I am just fat). So I felt a bit chuffed with her comment and just glowed for the rest of my day. I didn’t think much more of it until Saturday when boyfriend (not a big one for compliments) said the exact same thing, that I looked like I was glowing and happy. Well blow me down with a feather. It must be true if boyfriend said it too!

Anyhoo, you’ve listened to me ramble long enough but I will leave you with this discovery, exersize makes your body do strange things like ….. give you a period and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT

I am just like Forrest Gump (sort of)

Yes yes I am still fat but I haven’t disappeared so fear not.

Unfortunately I don’t have much to report but I will keep you up to date with my current goings on.

Today is Wednesday at night time so that means I have been walking for three days. On Monday I had to attend a course that wasn’t far from home and instead of dolling myself up in my motorbike gear, I decided to walk. OK, so it wasn’t my whole idea to walk but that of my boyfriend who seemed a little surprised I would even consider transport when I really wasn’t very far from the building. It is obvious he has completely forgotten that I had a serious knee injury not that long ago. Ok, might have been a month or so ago… ok, longer than that but that’s not the point. I did hurt my knee a while back.

So anyway, I couldn’t decide on Monday morning if I should ride the simple and easy scooter or be super cool to all my new class mates with my motorbike or to suck it up and walk. I decided to walk and OMG, so totally a Forrest Gump moment because I also walked home after the course! Yep, that was all my decision. I could have caught a taxi, called a friend or rung mum and told her the old knee was playing up but I didn’t. I walked! About seven minutes into my 15 minute walk home I did start to wonder if I had indeed made the wisest decision but there was no turning back, people were looking (they were around and probably not looking at me but they were looking at something ok?) so I put one foot in front of the other and made it home! As you can imagine, not a lot gone done on Monday night due to the intensity of the work out on my body.

Tuesday came and I must have been in some sort of delirium because I walked again! (told you it was a Forrest Gump moment but it was in slow motion because I wasn’t running). I walked the 15 minutes to the course and you guessed it, walked home too! I went out for dinner that night and ate everything in site due to my new found metabolism. I thought I had had that removed around the same time as my wisdom teeth.

Like I said earlier, it is now Wednesday night and OUCH! I think I have broken a thing or two. I assumed I was some kind of super athlete this morning because you guessed it, walked again but this time it was a true marathon. I walked to work! Yep, I did. Can’t prove it so you’ll just have to take my word for it but I did it. Work is exactly 30 minutes brisk walk. (be advised that your brisk and my brisk could differ somewhat).  I left home at 7am to ensure there would be as few people as possible at work when I arrived in case of any fainting or vomiting occurred but I made it!

Thankfully I got to rest for 8 hours before having to walk home but walk home I did. My BF is lucky she was interstate on business today because there is a good chance she would have gotten a phone call to pick me up but it was not to be. Again, one foot in front of the other I went to get home. I was on the last stretch, could almost smell my dogs poop in the back garden when I was fumbling in my hand bag for my keys when something awful happened…… it has to have been karma……. No, not me…..MY KEYS ARE STILL AT WORK! I felt sick. I didn’t eat enough at lunch time to deal with this. So close but so far. There are cheese slices in the fridge and I can’t get to them! Is this a sign? Should I be ride my motorbike to work? Is that what mother nature is trying to tell me? Just give me my keys and I’ll agree to anything. Ok, after dinner I’ll agree to anything!

As it happens, one of my buddies was still at work and said he would drop the keys off on his way home. So, here is my new dilemma. Was the key thing a sign to ride my motorbike to work and prevent any further pain in every area of my body from strenuous exersize OR did mother nature happen to see me from a different angle and saw how much weight I had put on and said ‘lets get that fatty moving and get her to walk back to work and get her keys and make her walk home’? this is my dilemma. I’ll just finish this glass of wine, have a nice big sleep and think about it tomorrow ok?

That is all 

The Human Air Bag

My ego is a wee bit bruised along with my leg and my knee and the bit behind your shin…what’s that called? Um, like a calf muscle area but a bit lower but above the ankle, anyway, there are a few bruises due to my ‘accident’ on sophie the motorbike.

The hours and hours of practicing and riding did not assist me yesterday as I rode into work at 7:30am. I deliberately had left a little earlier so I could avoid a lot of traffic and so there wouldn’t be too many (if any) bikes in the parking lot so I could park in comfort.

As I rode toward the motorbike parking section of the managers’ car park of my building, I started to do my usual U Turn before the back end of the motorbike slid out from under me and before I knew it, the bike was on me and on was on the ground! Well there you go, my first (and hopefully only) motorbike accident. I wriggled myself (think of a big fat maggot trying to get out from under a rock) out from under my bike and then came the next embarrassing bit. I almost gave myself a bum hernia trying to pick up my 175 kilos bike.

Behind me came a noise and I did not want to look to see what it was. It would have been hard to look as I was bent so low (almost to the ground even) trying to pick this darn bike up and wouldn’t you know it, two very important looking men are behind me telling me to step back and they’ll help me. Hopefully they don’t know about this blog but I’ll tell you a secret, it took two of them to pick it up so I didn’t feel too bad ok? There was petrol everywhere which yes, they got on themselves.

I did not take my helmet off so I think I am safe for the time being walking around my building not noticed. I couldn’t tell you what they look like because I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to look at them. Thankfully they didn’t hang around too long and I was able to push the bike into the park and waddle away and fast as I could.

I did have to go back downstairs to clean up the bike due to the petrol spill and whilst I was viewing the bike, I realised there was the teeniest scratch ever seen. How was this possible? I had slid the bike out and it landed with an almighty thump on the ground. Just look at the bruises on my leg to see how hard it landed. And then it came to me……..

I AM A HUMAN AIR BAG!!

My voluptuous body saved my darling Sophie from being all scratched and broken! Those Haighs chocolate frogs and truffles have done their job by saving me a mountain of money in bike repairs! Oh the joy of being a blubber guts! If I had been a skinny, I would probably have a broken leg and ankle and that area I mentioned earlier, maybe even a broken shoulder (that was incredibly sore) and I’ll pop a fractured wrist in as well. So as you can see, the weight has saved broken bones AND body work on the bike.

There is also a good chance I would have broken a hip if I was a skinny because I think that is where a lot of the impact went because that was very sore too. Are you wondering why I am not holed up in bed in agony eating more chocolate to ease the pain? Well, I have an answer for that as well.

I went to see Mr China Man for a massage in my lunch break. This man wasn’t proficient in English but we made do. Once we had established he would massage my neck and shoulders, I made another idiot of myself. I am putting it down to concussion ok? I knew the price was $20.00 for the massage I was about to receive but I wanted to know if I had to pay first and how I could pay. So I started to ask him if he had a card machine. He looks at me and repeated what I said. And I said yeah, do you have a card machine for pay. He shakes his head and I start doing sign language in the air pretending I am swiping a card through a machine and I said ‘you know, a swipe machine’ and he is still shaking his head. Another Asian man came from out the back and started listening and watching my entertaining mime in the waiting area. Mr China Man number 2 asks in perfect English, do you mean an ATM? And I go yeah! That’s it. I realised I had been an absolute fool as Mr China Man number 1 laughs at me and I quickly hide my ID tag around my neck displaying my name and the bank I work for! For the life of me, I could not think of the word ATM.

Anyway, I digressed there a bit. Mr China Man was sensational. Oh I could have just popped him in my handbag and taken him home! He needed my back like it was a big pile of bread dough. Now, I understand it may have looked and felt like bread dough to him but to me, Heaven! WOW! Who knew you could have that much fun with your clothes on??  An entire 30 minutes of firm massage and for a neck and shoulder massage that went half way down my back, I think it was the best $20.00 spent in quite some time.

So today, I sit here in relative comfort knowing I have a gift. I can prevent terrible damage occurring to my bike. And who says you are not protected whilst riding a motorbike? Take me with you and you’ll be as safe as anything. For I am …. The Humannnnnnnnnn Airbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag! (say that in a boxing commentators voice).