The Human Air Bag

My ego is a wee bit bruised along with my leg and my knee and the bit behind your shin…what’s that called? Um, like a calf muscle area but a bit lower but above the ankle, anyway, there are a few bruises due to my ‘accident’ on sophie the motorbike.

The hours and hours of practicing and riding did not assist me yesterday as I rode into work at 7:30am. I deliberately had left a little earlier so I could avoid a lot of traffic and so there wouldn’t be too many (if any) bikes in the parking lot so I could park in comfort.

As I rode toward the motorbike parking section of the managers’ car park of my building, I started to do my usual U Turn before the back end of the motorbike slid out from under me and before I knew it, the bike was on me and on was on the ground! Well there you go, my first (and hopefully only) motorbike accident. I wriggled myself (think of a big fat maggot trying to get out from under a rock) out from under my bike and then came the next embarrassing bit. I almost gave myself a bum hernia trying to pick up my 175 kilos bike.

Behind me came a noise and I did not want to look to see what it was. It would have been hard to look as I was bent so low (almost to the ground even) trying to pick this darn bike up and wouldn’t you know it, two very important looking men are behind me telling me to step back and they’ll help me. Hopefully they don’t know about this blog but I’ll tell you a secret, it took two of them to pick it up so I didn’t feel too bad ok? There was petrol everywhere which yes, they got on themselves.

I did not take my helmet off so I think I am safe for the time being walking around my building not noticed. I couldn’t tell you what they look like because I was so embarrassed I didn’t want to look at them. Thankfully they didn’t hang around too long and I was able to push the bike into the park and waddle away and fast as I could.

I did have to go back downstairs to clean up the bike due to the petrol spill and whilst I was viewing the bike, I realised there was the teeniest scratch ever seen. How was this possible? I had slid the bike out and it landed with an almighty thump on the ground. Just look at the bruises on my leg to see how hard it landed. And then it came to me……..

I AM A HUMAN AIR BAG!!

My voluptuous body saved my darling Sophie from being all scratched and broken! Those Haighs chocolate frogs and truffles have done their job by saving me a mountain of money in bike repairs! Oh the joy of being a blubber guts! If I had been a skinny, I would probably have a broken leg and ankle and that area I mentioned earlier, maybe even a broken shoulder (that was incredibly sore) and I’ll pop a fractured wrist in as well. So as you can see, the weight has saved broken bones AND body work on the bike.

There is also a good chance I would have broken a hip if I was a skinny because I think that is where a lot of the impact went because that was very sore too. Are you wondering why I am not holed up in bed in agony eating more chocolate to ease the pain? Well, I have an answer for that as well.

I went to see Mr China Man for a massage in my lunch break. This man wasn’t proficient in English but we made do. Once we had established he would massage my neck and shoulders, I made another idiot of myself. I am putting it down to concussion ok? I knew the price was $20.00 for the massage I was about to receive but I wanted to know if I had to pay first and how I could pay. So I started to ask him if he had a card machine. He looks at me and repeated what I said. And I said yeah, do you have a card machine for pay. He shakes his head and I start doing sign language in the air pretending I am swiping a card through a machine and I said ‘you know, a swipe machine’ and he is still shaking his head. Another Asian man came from out the back and started listening and watching my entertaining mime in the waiting area. Mr China Man number 2 asks in perfect English, do you mean an ATM? And I go yeah! That’s it. I realised I had been an absolute fool as Mr China Man number 1 laughs at me and I quickly hide my ID tag around my neck displaying my name and the bank I work for! For the life of me, I could not think of the word ATM.

Anyway, I digressed there a bit. Mr China Man was sensational. Oh I could have just popped him in my handbag and taken him home! He needed my back like it was a big pile of bread dough. Now, I understand it may have looked and felt like bread dough to him but to me, Heaven! WOW! Who knew you could have that much fun with your clothes on??  An entire 30 minutes of firm massage and for a neck and shoulder massage that went half way down my back, I think it was the best $20.00 spent in quite some time.

So today, I sit here in relative comfort knowing I have a gift. I can prevent terrible damage occurring to my bike. And who says you are not protected whilst riding a motorbike? Take me with you and you’ll be as safe as anything. For I am …. The Humannnnnnnnnn Airbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag! (say that in a boxing commentators voice).