Fat as a Rhino!

I am formally as fat as a rhino. Nope, I am not joking or being silly, it is official. Fat. As. A. Rhino.

Do you watch the news? Well, a rhino was born at Monato Zoo 2^nd of October, 2012 and today, 23^rd of October, we both weigh the same. And se is not small let me tell you that!

Ugh, this news has totally ruined a perfectly shitty day. That’s right, having a crap day and then I find out I weigh the same as a bloody rhino!

And to top that, I mentioned it to a colleague of mine and the guy behind me stated that I might weigh the same as this rhino but I certainly wasn't as cute as her! How Rude!

On another note, have you ever been in a shop and felt a light, airey but silent popoff in your bum and thought, I could let this one go and no one would hear it because if feels silent and small, only to let it go and find it is in fact a loud, long and stinky FART. Well, that happened to me today in Target.

Yep, having a marvellous day today.

To Poo or not to Poo

When you go to the toilet to do a wee, do you ever have to coax that wee out? Like, you were needing to go to the loo but as soon as you sit down, the wee seems to get a bit shy and not want to come out?

This happens to me sometimes and I think of things like dripping taps or running waterfalls and that entices my wee to enter the toilet bowl.

Last night I was in the toilet and I did my wee (which didn’t need any further encouragement other than me sitting down) and it was then I decided to do a poop while I was there to save me having to come back later. Do you ever do that?

So anyway, I started my poop but obviously it hadn’t brewed enough and once I had done one nugget I found I was in a bit of a pickle. I had started something I wasn’t sure I could finish.

Then I started thinking of my clever techniques that I use to coax my pee pee out so I tried to think of something that would make the rest of my poop occur.

Do you know how hard that is? What does one think off? I can’t think of running water because that only works for wee’s. I started thinking of things that plop. I thought of a frog jumping from the side of a pond into the water and making a plop sound but then I got too focused on weather the frog could swim the whole way to the lily pad and then worried if it would drown. Do frogs even drown? So then I had in my mind all these birds dying in the sky and plopping into the ocean and by now I was so depressed I just wanted to go and talk to someone.

By now I had been on the toilet for quite some time and figured my poop was just not ready to occur and I could have in fact done a lot more things instead of sitting around thinking of dead frogs and birds falling from the sky. My original idea of saving time by doing a poop while I was already on the toilet backfired but not in the way I wanted ….

So I cleaned up (yoga style without hitting my head on the door) and as soon as I washed and dried my hands, wouldn’t ya know it, a little poop knocked on the door so back to the toilet I went, let my poops swim free and I was done for another day.

My lesson  here is to not try to save time by doing both at once when only one is calling because that leads to all sorts of trouble.

Violet

Hi Again.

Yes, I am still fat, stop asking!

Tonight is Friday night, my most favourite time of the week. Am enjoying a few alcoholic ciders on my own with a move and my dog. Now before you start harping on about fat in alcohol, let me tell you this. I have switched to a low sugar and low carb apple cider thank you very much.

And another thing... NO, I am not participating in Sober October, just like I didn't join in on Dry July. So shut up about all that.

Now, to the point of my story tonight.

It is bloody freezing where I am right now. I am at home but am suffering because boyfriend has manflu. Yep, am on my own in this very cold moment. No fire was roaring when I got home because HE is sick. HE is too weak to start the fire. Why didn't I do it? PFT, not my job.

So begins a story....

I was in my typical work clothes of pants and t-shirt (no, I do not wear corporate wear because I am too fat for it right now) and I decided the clothes I was wearing were way to light for the chilly temperatures I was dealing with. I found my dressing gown and snuggly wrapped myself into it. Aahh, I didn't need a man to light the fire for me at all, I had my big and fluffy purple dressing gown to warm me up.

So anyway, I had to pee, as one does when drinking the low sugar and low carb alcoholic apple cider and began my waddle down the hall way toward the toilet.

Now, my avid (and very strange) readers will know, there is a ginormous mirror at the end of my hallway. Let me tell you the image that reflected back at me.

Remember the movie of many names but some being .... Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket or, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, I looked like that chick at I think was called Violet...

A Big Round Purple Body with a little pin head at the top and little feet at the bottom. A HUGE round purple (violet) belly was what I saw waddling (very quickly due to the amount of this low sugar and low carb cider) down the hallway!

Starting tomorrow, I am going to seriously spend some time considering the quickest and easiest way to not look like that purple girl in that movie !

cross your little fat fingers for me people!!