I couldn't wipe my bum without doing yoga! I was huffing and puffing, and not from pushing out my poop but from trying to reach my bum for a wipe. Did my arms shrink? I was pretty sure I could wipe yesterday and now I am suddenly looking at the toilet brush and wondering if I wrap it in toilet paper, would that do the job? Then I thought of what it would feel like if the bristles came through the toilet paper and just thinking about it bought tears to my eyes. Wow, that would hurt A L OT! So, after much discomfort and contortioning, I finally got that big arse of mine cleaned and I was now ready for a little lay down. I was exhausted after all that work for what should have been such a simple exersise.
This might sound gross or weird or unusual but I am pretty sure i'm not the only person on the planet who's stomach got in the way of my little tiny arms stretching to my saggy baggy bum!
Obviously I noticed prior to the bum wiping incident that I had popped on a couple of extra pounds but seriously, that was just the weather and my hormones and my allergy to gluten. It had nothing to do with my giving up smoking because my give up smoking book TOLD me that I wouldn't put on weight and I am sure I didn't. Secondly, it wasn't because I bought a motorbike and gave up walking everywhere because the motorbike was so much more fun than walking and a hell of a lot quicker. Oh, and I had a sore knee so I couldn't walk ok! I had to rest my knee for over a year. (Am still resting it).
The other thing to happen during the supersized wake up call was I started huffing and puffing all over the place! How is that possible. Must be my lungs readjusting to my new found oxygen after giving up smoking. it has only been ten months since I gave up so the breathing thing HAS to be to do with that.
So, here I am. A fat chick. My boyfriend once said that riding a scooter was like having sex with a fat chick. Lots of fun to ride until your mates see you. Now, I am the fat chick! Don't tell my boyfriend though because I don't think he has noticed yet.
Moving forward, I am making changes to change me from the put put of a scooter into a nice sleek, black motorbike. In normal peoples talk, I think I'll drop this weight off and become smaller. I have bought a x-trainer which is great for hanging my shopping bags on but annoying to move when I need to get into the linen closet. I have removed all beer from my fridge. Yes I drank it but removing it is removing it ok? At least it is now done. Am participating in Dry July (no alcohol for July starting.... NOW). I am sitting here hungry watching master chef and instead of going to cook something to eat, I am blogging. Leaps and bounds! I feel the pats on the back already. I can almost hear people talking behind my back about how much weight I have lost. Ok, so I am imagining this but it will happen i tell you.
What are the benefits of being supersized?
1. Well, i am nice and snuggly warm almost 24 hours of the day which is lovely until I start sweating on a 12 degree day in Rundle Mall while everyone is bussling around in scarves and jackets and boots and I am in a t-shirt.
2. I wake up early and bound out of bed....because I am so hungry for breakfast. Gets me going early each morning.
3. Reduced energy bills in winter (remember, I am hot all the time so I needn't put the heater on)
4. The skinny minnies smirk at me but I smirk back knowing what might just happen to their skinny little bums and bony elbows bwaaaahahahah (that is my witchy laugh)
5. I am the jolly fat chick in the office
What are the cons of being 'this size'?
1. I have to put my seat back in the car because my stomach doesn't fit behind the wheel but now my legs dont reach the peddles! Think I'll just take the motorbike then
2. It costs a lot of money in food to maintain this figure of mine
3. Being unsure if my dog is fattening up because he has a sore knee and has food allergies or if it is because he hasn't had a walk in a while. About a year I think..
As far as I can see, the pros outweigh the cons but I shall do the opposite and will still consider losing the pounds.
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