And, it has come to my attention that I now make the noises I used to make during sexy times when I haul myself up from said sofa. It is super hard work. You would think with the amount of effort I put into getting of the sofa that surely I would burn up a mountain of calories yeah?
It usually starts off with my letting out a big sigh. then i swing my legs over the edge of the sofa. I start to rock. Back and forward, puffing and panting. Once my rocking rhythm is happening, I give one last push and a big long groan and up I go. I usually want to sit back down and have a rest after this but know the work it takes to get back up.
What amazes me as well as waking up fat is how quickly I have learnt the fat way of doing things such as the above section on rocking on the sofa to aid getting up. I have also developed a Darth Vader way of breathing. The waddle of a walk. Disguising flatulence. Yep, thats right. Read on...
I am pretty sure I did not carry around this much gas last week when I was a skinny minny. I find that it is always there even when I dont know it. Now, we all know the little sneaky farts that pop out sometimes during sex (yes, you know what I am talking about) and we try to shuffle around to make it sound like it was the sheets (I have never heard the sheets do this but pft, we all try to disguise it). There are also the farts when we pick up something heavy or doing a spot of yoga, maybe jogging or coughing a lot.
Then there are the fatty farts. I don't even have to go jogging or do yoga to enjoy these moments. In a single cell toilet, who cares about the noise you create but I am not that lucky. I work in a big company and there are four cubicles and there is no music in the bathroom. Below are some tried and tested ways of disguising your noises in the toilet.
1. Toilet Paper Roll. Start pulling the toilet paper out the moment you feel a fart heading out. This is great if your farts are quick and over in no time. This doesn't work for the frightened farts who need time and coaxing because you might run out of toilet paper and have people gossiping about how much toilet paper you require.
2. The Sanitary Bin. This takes time and can be grose but does work and handy for the frightened farts. It gives them time to come on out. Firstly you russle the plastic bag overhang on the bin. No fart yet? open and close the lid as though you are using it for its intended use. Nothing yet? Dont Panic because by now you can use the toilet paper roll method and your frightened fart should now be ready to come on out. With all that noise, you are telling the company you have your period, not hiding farts.
3. The Hand Dryer. This is the waiting game when you realise your fart ISN'T a fart but a bum blunder. Commonly known as a poop. When you realise the error you made, play the waiting game. Sit comfortably and breathe evenly. You are waiting for whoever else is in the toilet to hurry up and finish, wash their hands and finally use the hand dryer. This is when you can let loose and do it as quickly as possible. Pull as many faces as you need, wriggle around on the toilet seat to make it all happen fast before that hand dryer turns off. Should you walk out of the toilet to an empty bathroom, pull the cubicle door shut, rush into another stall and flush the toilet. Calmly walk out of that cubicle so when someone walks in, they wont think it was you that did the stinker in stall number four because you came out of stall number 2.
I feel it is important to keep track of your farties because I am pretty sure that when I wake up back to my normal size, I wont have this problem anymore. In the meantime, I am more than happy to share my tried and tested methods for those embarrasing moments.
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