40 and FAT

Where have I been? Well, not getting skinny that’s where! I am so bothered right now it is beyond any kind of bothered I have ever been and I am going to tell you about it.

So, for those who don’t check in each post, here is a summary.

I woke up fat. I thought it was my fault but turns out I have some fatty liver and enlarged pancreas issue. To get rid of these issues, I have needed to be on a diet of no dairy, salt, gluten (am a celiac anyway), sugar, tea or coffee, alcohol, preservatives and anything else that tastes good. That pretty much leaves me with a couple of carrots and celery. Fantastic results in the first five weeks, lost 8 kilos! Was feeling fine, ordering size 8 clothes for ‘the day I wake up skinny’ and was bragging about myself to anyone with ears.

And that is where it all stopped.

Yep, the weight stopped coming off and started coming back on. The bloody weight has found me again! I am living off things that grow in the dirt and I am putting on weight? I am walking over 5 kilometres a day and I am ballooning out everywhere? What. Is. Going. On?

Have I been naughty? Yes yes I have but not super bad. I have consumed 0 alcohol during the week and even went without alcohol through the whole Christmas period. I indulged a little on Sunday and had a gluten free cannelloni which was enough to feed a mouse. Prior to this I have gone without! I have been disgustingly good that by now I should look like a very hungry human being. BECAUSE I AM!

So, my next course of action is to march myself into the doctors office tomorrow afternoon and demand an answer (or liposuction) and then I am going to go out for dinner with my bestie and eat a steak and some potato! Yes, I am doing that because I am fat anyway and nothing else is working so I am going to eat some real food. Then, I am going back to the dietician on Saturday morning prior to going to a pub for drinks with my other bestie for her birthday. That’s right, alcohol for me on Saturday thank you.

This dietician I am going to, I call her stick girl, is the one I went to ages ago and when I heaved myself into the miniature chair she asked me what I was there for. Remember? When my fat rolls were hanging over the side of the chair arm rests and my third chin had a pimple on it? And I had to explain to her I am there to see a dietician because I AM FAT! Yeah, I had to explain to stick girl I was there to see her due to my fatness. And then she had the audacity to tell me I was doing everything right. Well geez lady, explain to me why YOU look hungry and I look like I hate the entire cities worth of food??

She is only getting a second chance with me because finding a dietician in the city of Adelaide is simply impossible.

And another thing. Remember my fat suit that I loved so much because it sucked the fat in and made me only semi fat? Well it is starting to spit! Can you imagine what that looks like? It is not a flattering look at all. Ok, unless you are a size 6, a fat suit isn’t going to look good on anyone but imagine a failing fat suit on a fat chick. It is horrid. Kinda reminds me of a condom on a limp …. Well, you know what I mean. I really don’t want to have to put myself through the trauma of having to go and purchase another one at target where I will be served at the checkout by a 12 year old size nothing who will look at this strange garment and wonder how on earth something so small is going to wrap itself around a chick so fat. I’ll get so angry that I’ll want to yell at her “it Might happen to you too skinny girl!”. Do you see what I mean? Something’s are just too hard. Maybe I should just buy it online on one of those online shopping stores.

Right, so that is my situation as of today. Fat, less than a week away from 40 and fungry (that is my hungry with an f to go with fat and forty). If anyone has a chocolate or two, please send them my way…..