Overactive imagination

I fear I am losing my mind. My current state of fatness v’s dieting is warping my head. Before I start my rant, I’ll get you up to speed as to where I am at since the last blog.

I AM STILL FAT.

Right, now we have that out of the way let me tell you what happened this morning.

I was walking along at a ‘brisk pace’ to work in the early hours of this morning (7am) when I stopped at the footpath because there was a man in a van (oohh rhymed!) coming along. So I stood there waiting for him to get to the intersection and make his way along the road when I realised he had stopped.

He was waving me through so I could walk while he waited for me instead of the other way round. Oh wow did I blush. It has been so very long since a young man had stopped to let me walk, and there wasn’t even any traffic on the road at that time of the morning and he gave me a little smile and off he went.

Well, three more steps later I realised, he is one of those weirdos that love fat chicks! You know the ones? They pay money to watch fat people eat on the internet. I have seen it on the TV before. Or he could be one that pays fatties who watch fat chicks do their housework in lingerie. I also saw that on TV but it was on Desperate Housewives and the chick wasn’t fat. She was skinny and gorgeous but you get where I am going don’t you?

I was getting really worried that he was now going to come back and get me. He was in a van so that means there is enough room in there for me to be hidden. I almost gave myself whip lash trying to see what direction he went in. I couldn’t find him so I made my pace even brisker and got to work at record speed.

As I was huffing and puffing my way up the elevator, I realised, this poor guy went from being a polite young man to a serial sicko going after fat chicks with no fault of his own! I am hoping he didn’t have my thoughts radioed into his head otherwise he’ll never let another person walk ahead of him again.

Obviously it has been a little while since I have had a chocolate bar. My mind does tend to wander once in a while into strange places.

40 and FAT

Where have I been? Well, not getting skinny that’s where! I am so bothered right now it is beyond any kind of bothered I have ever been and I am going to tell you about it.

So, for those who don’t check in each post, here is a summary.

I woke up fat. I thought it was my fault but turns out I have some fatty liver and enlarged pancreas issue. To get rid of these issues, I have needed to be on a diet of no dairy, salt, gluten (am a celiac anyway), sugar, tea or coffee, alcohol, preservatives and anything else that tastes good. That pretty much leaves me with a couple of carrots and celery. Fantastic results in the first five weeks, lost 8 kilos! Was feeling fine, ordering size 8 clothes for ‘the day I wake up skinny’ and was bragging about myself to anyone with ears.

And that is where it all stopped.

Yep, the weight stopped coming off and started coming back on. The bloody weight has found me again! I am living off things that grow in the dirt and I am putting on weight? I am walking over 5 kilometres a day and I am ballooning out everywhere? What. Is. Going. On?

Have I been naughty? Yes yes I have but not super bad. I have consumed 0 alcohol during the week and even went without alcohol through the whole Christmas period. I indulged a little on Sunday and had a gluten free cannelloni which was enough to feed a mouse. Prior to this I have gone without! I have been disgustingly good that by now I should look like a very hungry human being. BECAUSE I AM!

So, my next course of action is to march myself into the doctors office tomorrow afternoon and demand an answer (or liposuction) and then I am going to go out for dinner with my bestie and eat a steak and some potato! Yes, I am doing that because I am fat anyway and nothing else is working so I am going to eat some real food. Then, I am going back to the dietician on Saturday morning prior to going to a pub for drinks with my other bestie for her birthday. That’s right, alcohol for me on Saturday thank you.

This dietician I am going to, I call her stick girl, is the one I went to ages ago and when I heaved myself into the miniature chair she asked me what I was there for. Remember? When my fat rolls were hanging over the side of the chair arm rests and my third chin had a pimple on it? And I had to explain to her I am there to see a dietician because I AM FAT! Yeah, I had to explain to stick girl I was there to see her due to my fatness. And then she had the audacity to tell me I was doing everything right. Well geez lady, explain to me why YOU look hungry and I look like I hate the entire cities worth of food??

She is only getting a second chance with me because finding a dietician in the city of Adelaide is simply impossible.

And another thing. Remember my fat suit that I loved so much because it sucked the fat in and made me only semi fat? Well it is starting to spit! Can you imagine what that looks like? It is not a flattering look at all. Ok, unless you are a size 6, a fat suit isn’t going to look good on anyone but imagine a failing fat suit on a fat chick. It is horrid. Kinda reminds me of a condom on a limp …. Well, you know what I mean. I really don’t want to have to put myself through the trauma of having to go and purchase another one at target where I will be served at the checkout by a 12 year old size nothing who will look at this strange garment and wonder how on earth something so small is going to wrap itself around a chick so fat. I’ll get so angry that I’ll want to yell at her “it Might happen to you too skinny girl!”. Do you see what I mean? Something’s are just too hard. Maybe I should just buy it online on one of those online shopping stores.

Right, so that is my situation as of today. Fat, less than a week away from 40 and fungry (that is my hungry with an f to go with fat and forty). If anyone has a chocolate or two, please send them my way…..

Life on the Loo

My body is very annoying ok? It really annoyed me today especially. I’ll tell you why.

It was my lunch break and as I was about to leave to enjoy some fresh air and a spot of shopping, a lovely work mate who I shall call IR gave me a gluten free, yoghurt covered, apricot thing.

Before you start flapping your gums at how naughty that was let me tell you I DESERVED IT OK! MY PERIOD IS DUE AND I AM SICK OF SALAD OK? AND I AM SICK OF FISH OK? AND SICK OF WATER OK?

So anyway, I had this tiny little treat and off I went on my walk. Luckily I decided I was rich and should shop at Myer because my stomach started to have a little doosh doosh party (that is a music party with lots of bass ok?) and I thought, oh no, we are going to have an incident soon.

I found the toilets and thank goodness there was hardly anyone in there because BOY did I make some noise in there. That tiny little treat had reeked havoc on my poor body and everything needed to get out as quickly as possible. Being a public toilet, I didn’t mind too much about the noise I was making (I wasn’t going to see any of these people again anyway) but PHEW, the smell was disgusting! I had to flush a couple of times to clear the air and start again.

Seriously, you’d think that going back on to my good diet only a few days ago wouldn’t have detoxed my body to the point that it is going to freak out with such a small treat would you? Well let me tell you, it did and I was completely exhausted after that. Thank goodness everyone had departed the toilets because when I walked out, anyone would have thought I had just had sexy time in the cubicle. I looked quite hot and bothered and frazzled hehe.

This morning I weighed myself and I had gotten back to the weight of 80.2 kilos and I super duper want to run home and weigh myself again now because I can almost guarantee that I pooped out more than 200 grams!

Cross your fingers that I have finally gotten under 80 Kilos please!

My Massage

A great girl friend I shall call AC bought me a massage for Christmas and today is when I went. Let me tell you about it.

The girl who greeted me at the door was so full of energy that I hated her already. Only because I have minus zero energy but she was friendly and way too happy not to like so I jest, I didn’t hate her.

Once I was naked except for my knickers, I lay down on my stomach as I was instructed. My worry was that half of me was going to fall off the little massage bed but thankfully, my fat parts stuck to me enough not to fall off.

One thing did feel very strange was my boozies. While I was laying on my stomach with my head through a hole in the bed, my boozies felt like that were going to come out of my back! The pain was horrid. I wondered how I was going to lay here for an hour with that kind of pain. I also wondered why they didn’t have two extra holes in the table for this reason. I would much prefer my boozies hanging though holes that the feeling of them being squished by my weight.

Anyhoo, ends up that you do get used to that discomfort so I survived that bit. It always makes me wonder why masseuse’s don’t put something pretty to look at under that hole.

So, whilst this energiser bunny worked on my body as thought it was a lump of dough, I didn’t think I would survive. Her fingers pushed and prodded parts that hadn’t been touched in years, simply because I didn’t even know they existed. She was massaging my glutes (that is my bum for normal people like me) because it eases the pressure in my lower back. Who’d a thought that? Well it did but anyway, the pain was excruciating! Maybe AC wasn’t really my friend at all, maybe she had planned this pain and discomfort….

Another thing I didn’t realise was you really get the urge to fart. Well, you might not but I certainly felt the urge. I wanted to ask her if anyone had ever farted while she was massaging but didn’t want to upset here and cause her to push a little deeper into my tender body. So I held my question (and fart) inside.

Through the hole in the bed I did notice that my energiser bunny had the most amazing feet. I have always loved pedicures but only as an absolute treat because I wondered who on earth spent their time looking at peoples feet (except those weirdos who get off on that kind of thing) but now I know that lovely looking feet are really nice.

For 60 minutes she kneeded, prodded, poked, soothed, oiled and massaged me to the tunes of birds (could have been dolphins also) and all done by candle light and a little lamp. Once she had finished I felt amazing! I almost floated out of that place. It was gorgeous.

The only worry I had (besides death) was drinking once I had gotten home. I was incredibly worried that I would be like a colander and spurt water out of all the holes the energiser bunny had poked into me. Don’t worry though, it didn’t happen thank goodness and I still feel amazing.

Included in AC’s gift was yoga classes so I shall book myself in for one of those real soon.

Gaining Weight

Ok, who's stupid idea was it to start a diet in december? Well, it was my doctor but geez, do you have any idea how hard this is?

I got right down to 80.2 kilos and then I ate something and had a little drinkie (and i mean little) and am now back up to 80.8. grr. And now, it is New Years Eve and as we are doing nothing this year except hanging out with Dog and babysitting another dog who we will call little dog, how am I supposed to behave today?

I'll tell you how, I WONT! In an hour, some poor woman is going to have to kneed this fat back into an aromatherapy relaxation (great friend bought me a massage for Christmas) and then, I shall return home after an hour of that to enjoy the first of my New Years Eve drinkies.

Seriously, fairs fair ok? I have had to endure gorgeous food smells from boyfriend and watch him tuck into pizzas, egg and bacon on muffins, beers etc. Even the dogs food started to smell amazing. So today, I shall enjoy myself and get back on track tomorrow.