Quick Update

Update –

Have been a bit busy to let you know the goings on in my wonderful ‘big’ life so here is a quick update…

• am still fat
• often hungry
• thought about exersize the other day
• haven’t started exersizing yet
• am eating child size portions for lunch hence why am often hungry
• and still fat

that is all ……..

Bum Sniffer!

I am a sniffer. Amongst being a Mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, sister, friend, cousin, niece and a worm (long story), I am also a sniffer.

Like most people, I sniff the milk to make sure it is still ok to use. I also sniff my  underarms to ensure they are still fresh (I do try to do this in private). As previously posted, I sniff boob sweat and I also sniff my hands, especially when I have washed my hands in a new bathroom. I also take a big whiff when I enter a toilet to see if someone has pooped before me. Not because I like it but it is habit.

So anyway, I found a new scent you may not have discovered.

Before I tell you what it is I want to make a few things clear…

1.     I am not sponsored, nor have I been paid for advertising by this toilet paper company

2.     This is quite a normal thing to do (I am almost certain)

3.     I do not need a lecture on the chemicals I am putting near my lady bits and bum

4.     Let me be a sniffer!

So, it starts last weekend when I had had a bit to drink. I was on a wee bit of a bender and naturally, the toilet is a common place to go. Drink a couple of drinks and wee out a months worth of piddle!

There I was piddling away when I realised the loo paper was almost out. Not only am I a sniffer but I also have this obsession with being the first to use the toilet roll.

Even once I have done my bizzo, wiped and flushed… if I have changed the roll of toilet paper, I have to use the first bit before I can leave the toilet. And yes, this goes for public, private and my toilet.

Anyhoo., last weekend I was doing my bizzo when the roll ran out. Not only did I change the roll mid stream, I realised I had to poop. Not unusual I know but I was left sitting on the loo with the empty toilet roll in my hand.

At the risk of free advertising, I am going to name the toilet roll I was holding (if you are a marketing manager for Quilton Toilet Rolls, email me for the address to send the cheque too) when I decided to smell it. Yes, I smelt the toilet roll.

Well we all know I love the toilet so smelling the toilet roll shouldn’t shock you (unless you are a newbie to this blog).

Anyway, it smelt amazing! It was a smell I would almost follow down the city mall if I smelt it! OMG it was gorgeous! Amazing even. Keep in mind I was doing a number 2 here but even if I had been just chilling out on the toilet, this toilet roll would have had me at the first sniff!

Drunk as I was, I took the empty toilet roll, including the three empty toilet rolls that had been previously discarded on the floor, to bed with me that night as an air freshener! I kid you not! This is not written for the population and fans of this blog, it really happened.

How do I know I hear you ask? Well I don’t really hear it but that is what I would ask if I was a reader. The reason I know it happened is because I woke up (with the hangover from hell) to find all these toilet rolls next to my bed. Aaahahaha so it had really happened. And yes, I smelt them to ensure I wasn’t drunk imagining the smell.

So I tell you, next time you are on the toilet, have a sniff of your toilet roll.

I have greenie friends that should probably not attempt this because goodness knows what YOUR toilet roll smells like but I can tell you, mine smells amazing there fore, my butt is smelling like a bunch of roses right now!

PS: thinking of dieting tomorrow!

Good Intentions - Oooh Cake!

I was all motivated after yesterday to have another good lunch day. Yesterday was ‘buy your lunch day’ which I have every fortnight on payday. Instead of yummy greasy food, I went to the health food store and bought a chicken and soy mayonnaise gluten free wrap. Normally I get a ‘full’ one which is two huge wraps but yesterday, I bought a half. Man, I was so pleased with myself until I ate it.

At 3pm that day I was starving! Like, almost fainting from malnutrition fainting. That half a wrap was not enough! Geez, what was I thinking? My body had almost gone into shock.

So anyway, last night I had a little dinner to prepare my body for a small lunch again today. I went to the shop again and bought another chicken wrap but this time I thought I would prepare my body for that shock. So I bought a lovely, syrupy, lemon polenta cake.

Now think about it. Polenta sounds pretty healthy to me. There weren’t many gluten free cakes and muffins left which means the polenta was the last choice for a treat. I also figured it had to be better than chocolate right? So I bought that too.

After my wrap, I think I might have been satisfied but I forgot to wait and see if I was before digging into that polenta cake. And let me tell you, it was incredible. Not only was it so very delish, it had a layer of lemon icing on the bottom of the cake that I had not been aware of. Oh the tang! Divine I tell you!

So I finished off the polenta cake but you know what I did? I held it like an apple while I ate it so anyone looking at me would automatically think I was being so healthy. Yep, I am pretty clever like that.

So now that I have filled my stomach unintentually, I will have to train it again next week to prepare for smaller meals. Best I have that block of haighs rocky road before Monday hey?

Dog Tongue

You know how when dogs pant, their tongues are at the bottom of their mouth and then roll over their teeth? Hang on, let me see if I have a photo of my dog doing it…

*this blog wont let me use a photo so see if you can imagine what I am talking about ok* 

Well that is happening to me! I thought I had put weight on my tongue but Dr Google says you can’t put weight on in your tongue. So whats up with my tongue then?

I thought it was just because I had the flu recently and was sneezing my chins off and my tongue was rubbing against my teeth and that is why I thought it had enlarged.

Then I figured it was because I was fat and no matter how much googling I did, every site told me I couldn’t put on weight in my tongue. I found a lot of disgusting tongue diseases but nothing on tongue weight gain.

Now I am quite worried because as you can see by Dogs photo above, he can let his tongue hang out a bit over his teeth and he is fine. Mine is way too close to my side teeth and it is getting sore! How is Dog’s tongue not sore from rubbing on his teeth? What do I tell the doctor is wrong with me? I have a dog tongue? I am part dog now?

How much more can go wrong with me I ask you. And it is not only the discomfort of having a big fat tongue, I sound like an idiot. I can’t talk properly and now I worry that I am going to spit on everyone when I talk because the fat tongue gets in the way of every word I am saying.

I will be forever known as the big fat spit lady if I don’t get on to this quick smart. I might have to have a look at my tongue in my big huge mirror and make sure everything else looks normal about it.

That Motivating Mirror

You know how some people put skinny photos of themselves on the fridge to stop themselves eating naughty food, and how some people put encouraging words around the house to motivate them? Well my BF has gone that one step further…. He put a bloody massive mirror at the end of the hallway!

I can’t go to the toilet or bedroom without seeing every single bit of myself. This thing is seriously insane! It is about two doors wide and about a door and a half high. I know these aren’t exact measurements but I am not sure how else to explain it without getting a tape measure out and that is just too hard right now.

So I assume he thinks I am going to take a good long look at myself and go right, that’s it, time to restart that fabulous diet again. I am sure he means well and is doing what he can to motivate me but I am not sure this is going to work.

I did walk down the hallway last night with my eyes closed but that isn’t going to work because I am not overly coordinated. I will run into the mirror eventually  because the bedroom door runs off to the left. The toilet runs off to the right of the mirror so as you can see, he has positioned this beautifully. There is no avoiding it.

So anyhoo, this morning after my shower, I realised I didn’t have the clothes required for my day and left the bathroom in a towel. Now, this should have been enough for me to give up eating for a month at least but all I could focus on was how long my hair was getting. It is looking marvellous I must say.

Not really working the way BF imagined hey?

My feeling is though, it may just work somewhat because every so often I have caught a glimpse of myself and wondered who the hell is walking toward me! And then I realise it is the fat me and not the skinny me.

Tomorrow I might consider that diet again but in the meantime, my hair is growing nicely and I can see it well now J

Dummy Lines

I woke up with dummy lines. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it. I figured I must have had a bad dream and my face was still stuck in the scowl but no, I definitely have dummy lines.

What are dummy lines? You know ventriloquist dolls? And how their mouths open and close and they have those big lines either side of their mouth? Well they’re dummy lines and now I have them.

It is because my cheeks are so fat that they are falling down my face causing these dummy lines. My cheeks are trying to touch my second chin and they are almost there.

You would think that with the amount of eating and talking I do that it would be exercise enough to prevent dummy lines.

I am starting to round out in all sorts of places so am thinking that maybe tomorrow I might think more about that diet I am supposed to be on.

For my Aussie fans out there, I am giving Matt Preston a run for his money in the dummy lines contest.

That is all

The Anniversary Lingerie

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I celebrate 4 years together! Happy Anniversary Us.

He made a comment the other night about celebrating the anniversary with some lovely lingerie. I am not sure he meant for it to go on me though. Seriously? Me? In a teeny tiny pair of panties? A little lacy, peekaboo bra?

Would these items even be seen on me? Where am I going to get a pair of little panties for a fat chick?

And have you ever seen a sexy, lacy, size fat bra? No I don’t think you have. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some ‘lovely’ bras out there for the larger lady. And I don’t even have massive boobies but they are big enough to need that super strength, super wide shoulder strap. Doesn’t matter how many roses and lace you put on that shoulder strap, it still looks like a fat girls bra.

And if a man cant undo one little latch at the back of a bra, how is he going to break into a fat girls bra that has more locks on it than a maximum security prison. We don’t like our girls escaping therefore the back of the bra is a lot more secure than a skinny persons bra.

I showed a work colleague a new bra I had bought a while back, it was just a cheap target one but I liked the colour. Anyhoo, she took it out of the bag and put the bra cup on her head and it fit perfectly! And she doesn’t have a small head! Ok, so my boozies are a little bigger than the average bear ok?

So I was then thinking of a one piece lingerie thing and then realised my dimply legs will have to be hanging out the bottom of said one piece. Then I thought about having a sheer skirt to cover the legs and that made me a bit happier but then of course are the arms. There are those long sheer dressing gowns so I can ditch the sheer skirt thing and get the dressing gown.

Once I had finished thinking all of this stuff I realised that this ‘event’ with the lingerie would be happening after we had been out for dinner. So I would be full of lovely Chinese food and some lovely beverages and not feeling overly sexy so I have come to this conclusion as to what to wear for anniversary night.

I will wear my lovely track pants and a t-shirt and will just turn out the light before he comes into the bedroom! That always makes me look gorgeous.