I'M SHRINKING

Whooo Hooo! I have lost 4 kilos in five days! I know I know, I am supposed to lose weight slowly but who am I to argue with my almost skinny body? Ok, so I am a fair way off being skinny but geez, 4 kilos!

If you read the last blog on all of the things I can not eat then you’ll probably understand why I have lost so much weight. And before you go calling my mum because you are concerned about some sort of eating disorder I will develop, don’t bother because I LOVE FOOD!

How has this happened I hear you ask? You have your pen and paper ready for my current diet. Righteo. Try having steamed cauliflower for breakfast. Yep, nice huh? And carrot sticks and celery sticks and any other vegetable stick you can think of for morning tea, lunch and arvo tea. For dinner I steam some fish with more veg and that is my day done!

There are no more boiled eggs. This is ruining me because I love a couple of cackleberries in the morning but who am I to argue with whats best for my health. I am also missing my cups of coffee. These have been replaced with peppermint tea and green tea.

I just re read what I wrote and I sound like a vegan, tree hugging hippie! Well don’t get me wrong because a little big of drool comes out when work mate sits and eats his egg and bacon toasted sandwich in the morning. My eyes cross over when I see other work mate enjoying his ham sandwiches on fresh white bread.  A little tear rolls down my face when I see an advert for a Christmas turkey just out of the oven with all the trimmings.

Its not easy to do this diet so I wish for you all to see me as a hero of some sort.

Besides the lack of food and taste and flavours, the other crapola thing about this diet is the lack of energy. Wow, I really feel like I am a bag of nothing wandering around not knowing what on earth I am doing. I can’t think straight and I practically have to drag myself to work at a reasonable pace and it is an effort not to allow myself to stop. Seriously, how do these people with that eat next to nothing a day manage to get things done? I can barely remember my own name most of the time let alone remember to speak to someone when asked a question. Thankfully I now have vitamin and mineral supliments so that should assist the brain and body to work as normally. Not that either did a great job before but I need all the help I can get.

I worked out that a poop weighs in at about 200 grams for anyone who has been wondering about that. And no, I didn’t weigh it in the kitchen scales because that would be too grose even for me but I weighed myself before and after one and wowza! Pretty impressive hey?

That is all for now. I need to go an find some more ‘sticks’ of something to eat

Fat on the Inside - Skinny on the Outside

Sorry for the delay in blogs but I am still here and still fat but have the most amazing news ever……. I may be able to give up the blog and start one called, I woke up skinny!

My doctor has diagnosed my fatness! Before I tell you what it is, I shall tell you what other doctors and people have said my ‘issue’ was. Keep in mind I was a smallish size before I developed a huge protruding stomach. The rest of my body fattened up at a later date but with regards to my stomach, here are some diagnoses

1. You eat too many carbs, have you thought of cutting down? My reply “do you think I ate a whole bag of potatoes last night?
2. It is probably just wind – they prescribed charcoal tablets. Let me tell you,  if my massive stomach (looked about 8 months worth of pregnancy) was a heap of wind, I would have needed a motorbike helmet for the time the wind came out. That wind would have sent me shooting straight to the roof!
3. It’s a beer gut, give up the beer and your gut will disappear (no it didn’t work)
4. You are gulping too much air while you sleep and when you eat. (another wind issue)

I had had so many ultra sounds, CT scans, MRI’s, saw Chinese herbalist, natrupath, dietician, doctors and went on who knows how many diets.

Thankfully I persisted and saw a doctor who was recommended to me from my wonderful cousin. Even though my new doctor made me stay fat for another year (yes, I had bigger issues than my stomach and bum), I am glad she found the reason for my fatness!

It is …………… a fatty liver and pancreas. Yep, no gas or carb issues, no beer guy or too much air when I eat, it is a liver and pancreas thing. So there you have it. I am not fat all all, well ok, I am fat on the inside but not on the outside!

All I have to do now is lose the inside fat and it’ll show my skinniness on the outside!!

I have more tests tomorrow but have started the new ‘diet for the liver and pancreas” today which I am not loving but I will love the results.

This is the list of foods I can NOT have

• Eggs (oh I will miss my cackleberries)
• ALCOHOL
• All sugar
• All dairy
• All gluten
• All fats and processed foods
• All preservatives
• Corn
• Coffee and Tea
• Soft Drinks
• Warm water seafood
• Lamb
• Pork
• Processed meats eg: ham

That is all I can think of right now and also, this list is making me too hungry for all the things I can’t have. I am at work wondering what I can eat for a snack. So, I am going to the supermarket on my lunch break to buy celery, carrots, cucumber and smoked salmon. That should be a nice selection of snacks.

So, this is my exciting news. I shall keep you all updated on my progress. This is day one and I am feeling skinny already, I just don’t look it that’s all J

Signing off

The Soon to be skinny!

Small Thought

I weighed myself this morning and found out I lost 800 grams in 7 days.

My small thought today is, how much does a Poop weigh?

I have more to say but now is not the time, stay tuned!

Hide and Seek

My new game when I go out is to play either hide and seek or to become a secret sleuth. I am sure my fellow fatties will know this game and some may even play it too. Here is what the game is for you skinny lurkers who read my blog.

I went to a supermarket recently and it wasn’t my local one so I was a bit excited about what they might have at their supermarket. Now, because I was in unfamiliar territory, I had to keep my eye out for People of the Past. These are people I haven’t seen in some time and who may get the ‘deer in headlight’ eyes when they see my new curvaceous figure. So, I am wandering along with my little shopping basket when I see someone! OMG it is a Person of the Past, and there is no way I want to be seen so I quickly turn the other way and swiftly, but not too obviously, walk to the end of the aisle, swing a right and head two aisles away. I then look through the aisles, thankfully this one has see through shelves and I can just glimpse them. They are now in the next aisle.

This super sleuth needs to be done in such a discrete way so as to not alert the security guy that is sitting in his office watching his monitor wondering what the hell this strange woman (me) is doing. You also don’t want to alert other shoppers because they might call the said security guard and that would be a whole different blog.

I found myself burning up a hell of a lot calories trying to avoid Person of the Past but am buzzing about so quickly and frantically at once stage (in the fruit and veg section where there is no where to hide) that I almost knock over a display of mandarins! Note to Supermarket People, big towers of fruit are NOT ACCEPTABLE! Imagine if I had knocked the stupid display over? Person of the Past would have seen me instantly and that would have been disastrous.

So, now that I am amazing at avoiding People of the Past in supermarkets, I have to now ensure there is enough petrol in the car to take me to another supermarket because I get so flustered that I forget half of what I even went to the supermarket for!

Tents

Big problems are arising. There is no escaping this one and I am in a right old pickle about it all. I have no where to turn. I don’t have enough money to escape it.

ITS SUMMER!

Shit, that means one thing… let the flab hang out. Seeings as though I just sweat my way through winter, summer is not going to be a walk in the park. Well, I can’t imagine even walking to the letter box out the front of my house let alone to the park but that is a whole separate issue.

SUMMER.

If I was rich I would catch the next flight out of Australia. Summer and me do not get along. We are not friends. At least in winter I can blame the bulk on extra clothing. Not that I got to do that this winter with the fatty sweats I had. Remember those? When I thought I was going through menopause and it just so happened it was fatty fat fat making me sweat so much. Which reminds me, have you ever smelt the sweat underneath your boozies? GROSE! Try it next time you feel a bit of sweat there and no, do not attempt yoga to smell it, just run your finger under your boobies and then smell.

Geez. I can not believe I just gave instructions on how to smell your boozie sweat.

So, back to summer ok? Last weekend I had to go to the tent section of my wardrobe to find something most suitable for a damn hot day. There is no dress on the market that I have found that suits a fatty. And what really shits me too is the fact that there are invisible insects that live in my wardrobe that nibble on my clothes reducing their size each season.

So, I put on a tent that felt amazing last season, it had room and even had a bit of a ‘flow’ happening. Now that the insects have had their nibbles, well, three course meal, this dress now fit as snug as a bug in a rug which is not how one wants to feel on a hot day! And to add to that, now that I am some what fatter, the dress snug and the big sweats happening, I now look like I am in a tennis dress with a bag full of tennis balls in my bum and having played ten billion rounds of tennis. Either that or my dress looks like it is a few different colours instead of one.

One can not wear a dress that tight made of a tshirt material with sweats! Or bumps. Or even having had a glass of water. Note to all dress makers. If you are going to make a dress sized fat, do not make it out of t-shirt material which shows everything!

As you have probably figured now, I do not look forward to summer. I barely look forward to spring.  I will cross my fingers that Moo Moo’s come back into fashion real quick otherwise I am stuffed this summer.

Oh, about the diet, I am going to start it again on Monday because I quit for a while due to it not working. Seriously, is there such a thing as a diet that works? I am starting to wonder if I should take up smoking again, or maybe get into drugs (no idea where I would start) or something.

That is all for now