....Waiting

Still. No. Poop. :(

The Mystery of the Missing Fart (and poop)

I am fearing an explosion very soon. There has to be a back log in my bum area surely. Not only have I not pooped, but I haven’t farted either! I have images of a big poop laughing at the little gas pockets because it wont let it out.

So, when I eventually poop, is there going a huge pocket of gas that will come out and lift me off the toilet? I used to fart all day and all night and now I have nothing. Not even one of those little squeakers.

What is going on in my bum that I don’t know of? Is it the dukes diet that is stopping my natural bodily functions? Or is this how ‘normal’ people live? It has been so long since I have been a skinny but I am pretty sure I pooped at least once a day and if I didn’t do rumbling farts, I am pretty certain my bum blew the occasional tune or two.

Where does the gas come from? I have heard it comes from green veggies and baked beans so perhaps, due to my eating nothing but meat, I have no gas production anymore. Whilst this may be a good thing, sometimes it is funny to drop a big one and have everyone leave the room so I can then change the tv chanel to what I want.

If there is a silent gas production happening, what happens when the big poop doesn’t let it through and it builds up to dangerous levels? Do I then explode? Will bits of me be all over the office? I wonder if I Google ‘Missing Farts” what would come up. Does anyone else worry about their poops and farts as much as me? Am I alone in this world with my thoughts on body functions?

Stay tuned to the owner of a now tuneless bum

Day Three of the Dukes

I Still Haven't Pooped!!

According to the enemy (my scales) I have lost 1.1kg but I dont understand how that can be seeing as I haven't pooped in two days now.

Where is my POO?

Another thing I have noticed is my wee wee's are crystal clear. I think I could pass it off as a high quality spring water it is that clear. Not sure what happened to my pretty coloured science experiments I used to wee out so I will not only keep an eye out for my poop but will monitor my wee's now as well.

Stay tuned........

Where is my POO?

Just a quick one......... I haven't pooed today.

Those of you who have read earlier posts know I am almost obsessed with Poo. Now with the Dukes Diet, I can't poop. I have never been constipated but I am worried that this is what is happening. Who doesn't poo? You have to poo! How long should I wait until I go back to the doctor?

I was just at the doctor today and it didn't occur to me that I hadn't pooped yet because I had an early appointment. Now I am very worried. I usually poop quite a few times a day.

WHERE IS MY POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Dukan Diet v's Me

Right. Totally motivated with my new diet. The Dukan Diet! It says I will lose a gazillion pounds (am not sure how much a pound is worth in Australian measurements but sounds heaps hey?) in no time and I will see results in the first day! Well, it is day two and am still a fatty!

Prior to trying this Dukan Diet, I tried Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. The only real transformation I had during that twelve weeks was I became a better cook due to new recipes. The beginners exercise made no sense to read let alone DO! So I moved on to my next adventure and left Michelle behind.

Following the failure of the Michelle Bridges diet and exercise program, I participated in the Dry July where by I consumed no alcohol for a whole month and then continued into the next month. Still no weight loss.

Then came the meal replacement protein shakes. Whist this was the best one yet, I put on 2 and a half kilos! I replaced too bloody meals with milk shakes and put ON weight!! What is with that??

So now I am on the Dukan. Lets call it the Dukes because that sounds a whole lot better ok? Now, I am only aloud to eat protein for the first five days. When I read that I was like NOICE! I love meat!

Day 1’s food was

2 Boiled eggs

100 grams of Lean Roast Beef

1 Porterhouse Steak

2 Chicken breast fillets without skin

5.5 litres of water (not including my herbal cup of tea I forced down)

So, that is a great deal of meat huh? Remember I said I love meat? Well, last night when I opened the fridge, I saw a cucumber. It almost had a halo around it. I almost started dribbling just looking at the cucumber! Then, out of the corner of my eye, there was a carrot!! Please oh please let me have a bite! Just a small one? But no, in the book it says this line quite a lot

THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!

I couldn’t argue with Dr Dukan now could I? So,  I quickly shut the fridge and ran back into the lounge room. It was a very difficult moment for me, the room was spinning, I was tingling all over. It took all my strength to eat my steak and ignore the cucumber, the carrot, the yumminess of vegetables. What bloody diet doesn’t let you have a carrot? Well, this one obviously but it isn’t fair.

So now, am on day two of Dukes. I am supposed to have lost some pounds already according to the book but I am still in my size fat clothes. I even walked to work yesterday and then walked home. That is over 5 kilometers of activity and there were moments I thought I couldn’t go on. That I might have to phone someone to pick me up. Breathing was tight. I was getting light headed. Ok, so it wasn’t that bad but it was hard work all the same.

I also had my implanon removed (that is a contraception which was in my arm to prevent temporary fatness whereby you end up with a baby) and surely that has been a contributor to my fatness hey? There is a strong feeling in me that this object was in fact the major cause of my fatness. So either tomorrow or the next day at the latest, it is highly likely I will wake up back to my normal weight of skinniness and this blog will change to I WOKE UP SKINNY – THE END.