My Love of Food

Has this ever happened to you?

I was at the computer this morning, about 11:45 to be precise and was playing a lame game I play when I smelt a mix of foreign spices and meat. It really got my taste buds going because, the night before, we had had a gorgeous beef korma that I had cooked in the slow cooker. This smell was the exact same as last nights dinner.

I figured boyfriend must have heated up some leftovers and I was salivating by now because the smell had well and truly imbedded itself into my nostrils. It was now time to enjoy some lovely left over beef korma myself.

Getting up from my computer chair, I noticed dog sitting next to me, almost smiling. How could dog read my mind? How did they know I was going to get some lovely curry for lunch and possibly accidently slip dog some?

Well, let me tell you what dog was smiling at! Dog was smiling at the big, silent fart they let off letting me think it was a beef korma. It wasn’t a beef korma, it was a dog fart! OMG how disgusting!  A dog fart made me hungry. Oh how embarrassing and humiliating. I realised too that boyfriend wasn’t even in the house at the time of foreign spice waft. If he had been, I would have heard the fridge opening and the microwave beeping. I have very good hearing when it comes to these things you see.

Now, I was in a dilemma. My stomach was begging for beef korma that brain had been discussing with it only moments ago but Brain was revolted by the thought of having been salivating over a dog fart.

What does one do now? What would you do? Yeah, right, me either……… as if I would have korma after this….. yeeeeeah….

Ok, so I had the korma but I put the dog outside so I could really enjoy the flavours AND smells……

Excuses

So, tomorrow I have an appointment I am concerned about. Nervous even. Am even preparing for it now, the night before.

Where am I going?

To my doctors!

The visit tomorrow isn’t even fat related and I am scared. I know she is going to notice that I am not only still fat but that I have PUT ON more fat.

I have the best doctor in the world and after three years of doctor hopping, looking for one to diagnose my cause of fattities, she did it. Have I woken up skinny? No. Do I know why I am fat? Yes.

So, to distract her, I have painted my nails to match the shirt I will be wearing. I have looked at hair styles to use so I can ‘boof’ up my hair making my face looks smaller. Am thinking of wearing boyfriends jeans so it looks like I HAVE lost weight (am worried his jeans will actually fit me though).

What to do? How do I tell her that I am still fat? Well ok, I am not going to have to TELL her because she is going to notice!

Tonight, I feel like a teenager and not in that fun, skinny, amazing way but in the naughty, lazy and lying way. I am thinking of excuses! Yes, excuses ffs!

Like hows this? Oh doctor, I couldn’t diet at this time of year, it is so cold and one has to carry a bit of blubber to keep warm. Ask the whales!

Or… I am unable to lose weight at this time because I have moved in with my boyfriend and he cooks and he is making me fat.

What about…. Oh no, weight loss in not on the agenda this week because I have been very busy at work but look at my gorgeous nail colour!

As you can see, I have had a couple of ciders while thinking of reasons and I can’t tell her that either because she mentioned something about six months ago about giving up alcohol for a while.

The shitty thing about my doctor is she is wonderful and lovely and sweet. She is an Indian lady, young, lovely smile and softly spoken. I just adore her. I look up to her and not just because she is taller than me but because she is so amazing. She puts up with me and my shanaigans and my fattitis. She is patient and pretty and gentle. OMG I feel just awful.

To build my confidence in facing her, I will indulge in a cider or two more before I head to bed. I will be up early tomorrow because I have so much to do. Make myself look amazing and even give my hair a bit of a brush. Do you recon, if I wear my fat suit, you know the one, it sucks in my fat? She might think I have been a good girl? That I have been monitoring calories and given up alcohol and stuff? Yeah I don’t think so either but anyway, wish me luck. I’ll need it