Lady Leaks

So, two full days of riding my new motorbike with boyfriend and am I one happy chick!! It was sensational. I shant go into a full explanation as to how my back bum and front bum feel after such long rides but I am sure you can work it out.

Anyhoo, we are riding along and I would like to say that I was laughing like a school girl with the wind in my hair and all the boys checking me out but it was a wee bit different. I was hunched over the bike holding onto the handle bars with all my strength and the only hair blowing in the wind was my leg hair where my jeans had ridden up! I must remember to shave these legs soon before the leg hair gets caught in the bike wheels.

We stopped for petrol and I was a bit disappointed it wasn’t packed full of people because now I was feeling quite confident and wanted to throw my head back with my long golden locks going over my shoulder, cascading down my back. That didn’t happen either because my hair was tied back and when I took the helmet off, bits of hair went in all directions whilst other bits of hair were stuck to my head like glue. Not a very attractive look so it is probably a good thing there wasn’t too many people there.

Getting to the point, once I got off the bike and started putting petrol into my bike, I realised I felt quite damp ‘down there’! OMG, am I now of the age? Am I one of those women now? I have seen the adverts where women are about to sneeze or do yoga or pick something up but they feel more confident with a ‘lady leak’ pad in! oh no! I have a nice young man for my boyfriend, am a motorbike chick and in a great place (if not a bit too rolly polly), and now I have to deal with this??

I was wearing denim jeans and had this vision of a big wet pack on my back bum and I didn’t know what to do. Thankfully boyfriend went and paid for the petrol so I was able to jump back onto my bike quick smart before anyone noticed. I was almost crying and wondering if I should have gone into the shop and bought some of these pads. Are they even sold in a general store or do I have to go to a chemist? What if I can’t find them on the shelf? I will have to ask an attendant and I bet the attendant I get will be a skinny, blonde, young girl who will have no idea what I am talking about and I will have to explain what the ‘Lady Leak’ is and she’ll look at me in disgust and promise herself that will never ever happen to her and I’ll give her the look that it WILL happen to her.

Once we got home I raced to the toilet to inspect my ‘Lady Leak’ area (which is really hard to do with a stomach like mine!) and lo and behold, it wasn’t a ‘Lady Leak’, it was sweat! Did you know you can sweat ‘down there?”  Yes, yes you can! Does it ever end? Will there come a day where I don’t find a new even from being fat? So, in the folds of skin (yes, imagine a Shar Pei puppy) I was sweating. So now I face the problem of how to soak this up or prevent it? I can’t ride the motorbike in a bikini because that would cause a lot of traffic issues and not the ones where men are looking at a gorgeous girl on a motorbike but instead, looking at the Michelin Lady in a bikini which will blind a lot of people. So, I have to wear long pants and underwear (yes, clean ones in case of an accident) and I don’t particularly want to wear a lady leak pad if I don’t have the lady leak issue. Wonder if talcum powder will help? What would that look like though if it spills or goes onto my front bottom area of my jeans?

I shall try some different methods and hopefully I come up with a way to prevent this happening again. If you have any ideas or answers, don’t hesitate to let me know J

The Secret to Feeling Thinner

I have discovered it! Yes, I know how to play this fat game. Are you ready? Buy clothes one size too big (yes, this could mean a visit to the tent section but stay with me here) and all of a sudden, you feel like you have lost five kilos! Amazing huh? I thought you would be impressed. To top it all off, people have been stopping me saying I have a ‘glow’ today.

Stop that starvation diet now, grab a snickers bar and go to Kmart for a huge pair of pants and a big floppy top and see how you feel like you have lost weight!

This topic brings me to another thing I have been wondering as of late…. How is it some fatties dress absolutely amazing like and you barely even notice there are fat stores on them and others, being me, can’t put anything together to make it look lovely? Lets talk about Maggie T. Now, I know she used to be a model and is always in the public eye and stuff but OMG, does she ever look like crap? I don’t think so. Isn’t she insanely comfortable like me in a pair of mens track pants, a big tshirt that doesn’t have any shape left except round and some nice snugly ugg boots? If she is then you wouldn’t know it. Even when I do attempt the layering look, I look like a rainbow cake and even then, nothing sits right.

Maggie T always looks polished and gorgeous. Every thing she wears looks crisp and clean (as it should I guess). Does she have a score of ladies in her walk in robe to dress her everyday? Today I have on a pair of camel colour pants and a white shirt. I look like a chocolate pudding with cream on top! I don’t look anything like Maggie T. I even had an accessory being a pastel coloured scarf going on and still, nothing. I just look like a pudding.

Thankfully I have incredibly gorgeous nails. They are mine and I grew them all myself.

My lunch break is almost over which is disappointing because I wanted to talk a little more about gas today. Not the gas that cooks dinner, the gas that comes out after you have eaten dinner. I seem to have an excess of it today and it is getting a bit embarrassing but i only have time to tell you that it sounded really funny earlier when I was in the toilet. I was squeezing as hard as I could because someone was in the cubicle next door but it snuck out and sounded like a squeaky trumpet! OMG it was so funny that I almost snorted trying now to hold my gas AND a laugh in.

I'm not fat, I'm Happy

OMG! so, I was ready to start tomorrow (Monday) with watching what I eat and moving the cross trainer out from under the stairs when it hit me! I am not fat at all, I am happy!!

You know how lots of official research goes into relationships and how things change between a couple once they fall in love and settle into some sort of a routine? Well, women gaining weight is a sure sign of contentment. Why didn't I think of this before? It was around the time that I me boyfriend that I started to put on weight. The happier and more in love I was, the bigger I got. And I thought it was due to the good food and gallons of alcohol that blubbed me up but it is Love! and Happpiness!

Phew, lucky I realised this before I became a skinny.

So when I go and put on my Size Fat elasticised wasted jeans today I'll look at myself in admiration of the love and happiness that bought me to the size I am today.

PS: I am still going to take the cross trainer out from under the stairs today because I have to vacuum under there.

I am now a Size Fat!

I can't avoid it anymore. No longer can i squeeze into unrealistic sizes, I am now Size Fat. I have the option to shop in a normal store and chose the size at the back of the rack or shop in the fatty section and chose the size right in front. Argh! seriously, when did i become this size? I started this blog to stop the weight gain but it seems I have put on more weight to ensure the blog stays :)

The changes in me are getting quite uncomfortable and plain embarrassing which is a complete contradiction to the idiot, Sussane Eman, says.  Dubbed 'supersized mum' says she feels better as she puts on weight and currently weighs 300 kilos. You are kidding me right? I have a couple of knees who have become strangers and I can tell you right now that i dont feel great about it. How can this parent be proud of the fact it takes 8 full hours to do her grocery shopping and fills six trollies. She needs a motorised scooter to get around. She has made me so angry that i just had to let you know about it (if you hadn't already seen it). I do wish the media didn't feel the need to run this story in every news paper, womans magazine and television news story. She does not need to be promoted because she is not a good role model for anyone let alone her two sons aged 12 and 16.

Right, back to my issue with my body. So, size fat to me is an australian size 18. Never in my wildest imaginations (and trust me, i have a huge imagination) did I think I would be buying this size. For a couple of years now I have been squeezing into smaller sizes and using a maternatiy belt to cover my stomach and unzipped zipper, because I refused to buy larger sizes. The reason I didn't buy larger sizes is because 'I wasn't going to be fat for too long" and silly me forgot to stop being fat. My bras became 'wonder bra's' - wonder when they shrank, wonder where they are, wonder what they are doing (because they are not holding these bazookas up anymore', wonder why I bother etc.

As I sit an write todays blog, I am incredibly distracted due to not having had breakfast or lunch today. Yes, I also wonder how on earth I am the size I am when I have skipped two meals. I had to eat potato chips a couple of hours ago because I was almost fainting from malnutrition. Thankfully I got to the chips in time and ate them with a super huge, sweet cappachino with yummy chocolate sprinkles on top. Had it not been for these two products, who knows what may have happened. So, my distraction now is diner. The steak is marrinating in honey, soy, plum and hoisin sauce and i am trying to decide on chippies or mashed potato to go with it. Little bits of dribble are occuring at the thought of yummy chippies with the steak. How about a couple of fried eggs and washing it down with a beer or two?

As of Monday I am going to be super good with my diet ok? So that means I can have the steak and chips tonight right? From here on in, my blogs are going to be all about the weight I have lost and how amazing I am looking and how people are always whistling at me when I walk down the street and my boyfriend is going to think I am hot hot hot in my motorbike leathers. Yes, this blog is going to be called "I woke up Skinny" in no time!

On a serious note, I beg and plead for you to NOT support this woman from Arizona because she is attempting to add another 45 kilos to her already massive weight and this is not healthy.

Clap Your Batwings Ladies!

A big shout out to my new best friend (only she doesn't know it yet), Julie Goodwin! According to my sources, online news, she turned down a lucritive deal with Jenny Craig because she is happy with herself! I couldn't clap my hands and bat wings fast enough. Good. On. Her.

The online newspaper told me that some famous people get paid amazing amounts of dollars to be with Jenny Craig and lose weight. Now, I ask my faithful readers, why do the famous people get paid squillions of dollars to join Jenny Craig when they can actually afford it yet the suburban blubber guts like myself would have to Pay the squillion dollars to join.

To top off my annoyance with Jenny Craig, she can't/wont do gluten free food so she is off my favourite person list.

Back to my mate Julie Goodwin. No, I haven't actually met her in real life and to be honest,. was neither here nor there about her until now. I wonder how Jenny Craigs marketing team approached her. It isn't as though our friend Julie is a huge blubber guts. She has a roll or two here and there but geez, she is certainly not needing a crane to get in and out of the house. How does one approach this?

"Hey Julie, wanna lose ya rolls and get paid for it?"
"Dear Mrs Goodwin, I noticed you were a bit too fat, wanna be skinny?"
"Attention Julie Goodwin. We hear that you are an amazing cook, have your own cookbook and TV show. Good for you. We want you to stop all of that and now eat some food that we cooked for you. Please give up your current dream of being a cook and author and eat our food instead'.

I really hope she gave them a mouthful and told them to bugger off and dont be so bloody rude mate! Well I dont think she would have been that rude becauase she 'seems' so lovely and not at all fat!

Seriously. I think this company is incredibly rude by approaching someone to join them when they could actually have me as their spokes person for NOTHING!

So again, a big congratulations to Julie Goodwin for standing proud as a curvy woman.

I Can't Close My Legs!

Ok, this one is a little embarrasing and I have only just started to notice that I can not comfortably close my legs anymore! I have never seen this on anyone else before but surely I am not the only person with this problem!? I noticed it one day at work when I thought I had a heat pack on my stomach resting on my legs because I could feel a weighted object at the top of my legs. It wasn't a hot pack IT WAS MY STOMACH!! My stomach was resting on my legs. So, I picked my stomach up and tried to shut my legs but there was something in the way. I squeezed and squeezed until it looked like I was trying to do a poop at my desk and I finally got them got them together. When I relaxed my legs, they flew apart again. I realised there is just too much 'stuff' on the inside on my legs now (ok it isn't stuff, its fat but lets pretend it is stuff).

I have realised I can't go around lifting my stomach everytime I sit down and try to keep my legs together because of the facial contorition, but am at a loss as to what to do. I could wear big flowing skirts that fall over my ankles because no one will know that my knees dont know each other anymore. I could remain standing at every event I go to but I might look a little strange at the next work dinner standing at the table eating whilst everyone is seated.

Unfortunately I am unable to think of the best solution on an empty stomach so I will go and find a platter of food to feast on whilst I think of the most suitable way to tackle this issue........ Stay tuned!

The Bean Bag Look

Today we will use the visualisation technique to understand what I am talking about.

Now I have my motorbike learners permit I have ordered a gorgeous bike for me to ride. Pick up day is only two more sleeps away but my dilema is now the image I am going to create unintentionally. And it is that of an old beanbag.

 I have bought a gorgeous, brand new, very shiny, white motorbike and went shopping last night for some sexy leather riding gear.

I realised then, this is going to be a little difficult because I could spend hundreds of dollars here and will end up looking like an old 1970's leather bean bag that has been stored in the shed. You know what I am talking about dont you? The old bean bag that has cracks through it, beans are spilling out in some sections and doens't even look comfortable anymore. Well, this is what I think I am going to look like in all my leather glory. A old, wrinkly beanbag thrown onto the seat of a motorbike with a head. How am I going to pull off all this leather without looking like I should be riding a Harley Davidson with a group of men? Even if I put pretty pink lipstick on, no one is going to see it because of the helmet. Why can't I look like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Rader instead of Miss Piggie in a leotard!!??

To ponder this concern of mine, I loaded up with a few lolly snakes, a small block of chocolate and because I am on a diet, a big glass of water. As you can see, I am trying very hard to be able to fit into a small sexy leather jacket by drinking water instead of a nice cold fizzy coca cola! Looking at me, it is hard to tell at the moment that I am losing weight but when you see me with my glass of water, it is pretty obvious.

I am missing three kilos but I can't quite pin point where they went from because it all is looking the same to me but the scales dont lie. Still haven't moved that darn cross trainer out from under the stairs for vaious reasons discussed in earlier posts but have thought about it ok? Apparently, the first step is the hardest and I am making sure I understand this sentance before i go crazy and start things that should be thought about first. I will continue to think about this first step for another couple of days and just enjoy my size 18 motorbike jacket. There was a bigger size so I do feel good I didn't have to buy that one. As long as I dont eat or drink anything before putting the jacket on, it fits just fine.