The Bus Incident

Oh hi hi, I'm still here and yep, still fat. I totally need to tell you what happened on the bus this morning. I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't there but I was so here it is...

I was on the bus at the crack of dawn being 7am and once I was nice and settled, I promptly fell into a lovely slumber. Fast asleep I was and even dreaming until those fat little eyelids of mine opened to see my bus was pulling into the bus stop I was to get off at.

My alarm was so quick that I grabbed my handbag and stood up into the aisle and proceeded to walk toward the exit doors near the driver. All of a sudden, I realised I didn't have my umbrella in my hand. I quickly turned around and the guy behind me bumped into me. I think the lady behind him bumped into him because he bumped into me again. Anyhoo, he asked if I was ok and I said no, I forgot my brolly.

He started looking at the seat I had been blisfully sleeping in and the lady behind him was looking on the floor. The lady behind my seat was looking under her feet and before long, lots of people were looking for my long lost umbrella.

All of a sudden, I realised I hadn't even bought my bloody umbrella with me! So I said it. I said "oh shit, sorry guys, I left it in my car' and out came a stupid girlie giggle.

Thankfully, half the bus passengers giggled with me instead of growling at me for holding everyone up aaaahhahaa. The guy behind me laughed at me too.

I did the sleepy walk of shame toward the front of the bus when the driver asked if I was ok. I told him I was looking for an umbrella that I had forgotten to bring with me and even he had a giggle.

This is what happens when I have a lovely solid sleep on the bus and wake up with a start!

I'll fill you in on the fat life of me another time because I am tired now. Am thinking I might need a good night sleep to avoid another 'incident' on the bus

sleep well fat people, oh, and I guess you skinnies should probably sleep well too!

xx

Me V's the S.I.L (Sister In Law)

I bet you have all been thinking I had joined the biggest loser or something because I have been oh so quiet for so long… nope, still fat and still here J

So, I have had a reality check recently. Do you recon it was the Christmas and New Year stuff your face time? Nope. What about the Christmas and New Year drink up till you pass out? Nope, not that either… let me tell you what slapped me in the face (not really but one of those pretend ones)

It was me

S.I.L.

What is a S.I.L I hear you ask? It is a sister in law. No no I am not married to boyfriend but it is just easier to  call her that, anyhoo… saw her over Christmas which was great but let me tell you about her from my eyeball point of view…

Here is a young woman who recently celebrated her 10  year wedding anniversary with her husband (who else would she have celebrated this with) by jumping out of a airplane in her wedding dress. I loved this! What a great way to celebrate… not for me because I hate airplanes and have never worn a wedding dress but anyhoo…

So, back to my point here… saw her Christmas day and O.M G. she gives me the shits. She is enough years younger than me that doesn’t need to be discussed but she is still of a decent age. She is married and has three gorgeous kids and last year had a household of four kids. She has a husband who works pretty hard and not only that, travels the world with his work. She studies and works.

Doesn’t this family sound just gorgeous? So the kids… two teenagers and a little one (5 year old) and she is AMAZING.

No, this is not a kiss tight little athletic and toned bum of SIL, this is a reality check for me. Kids? I have one gorgeous daughter who is self reliant as is over 19 and lives independently. I have a boyfriend who loves me and cooks my dinner every night. I have two fur kids who look at me lovingly until I feed then and then my job with them is done.

S.I.L.? Well, not only does she have all those kids and work and study and what not but also, does these things called marathons with swimming and running and something about riding a bike. WTF? Why is she not passed out on the sofa at 6pm with a sink full of dishes and kids running around with no undies on and the TV blaring with the latest Simpsons playing?

Unfortunately I do not have the answer to this because as she was telling me how she doesn’t really drink but had a night out with friends recently that left her almost comatose for a day or two, I was happily sipping (glugging) on a cider or five and looking for something to eat.

This year I am making a few changes in respect of my S.I.L.

I have been thinking about going for a walk in the evenings. Ok, you know that thinking about it is the first step right? I am sure my SIL thought about things before she did them.

My lovely cousin bought me the Michelle Bridges (Australian Biggest Loser) book for me a couple of years ago and it was in the very last box I unpacked when I moved in with boyfriend nine months ago. I unpacked it last night, that has to be a sign hey?

In honour of my boss…. I now say, Watch this Space because I am following in SIL’s steps and all I can say to her is … S.I.L…. you are not going to recognise me next Christmas J

Fat as a Rhino!

I am formally as fat as a rhino. Nope, I am not joking or being silly, it is official. Fat. As. A. Rhino.

Do you watch the news? Well, a rhino was born at Monato Zoo 2^nd of October, 2012 and today, 23^rd of October, we both weigh the same. And se is not small let me tell you that!

Ugh, this news has totally ruined a perfectly shitty day. That’s right, having a crap day and then I find out I weigh the same as a bloody rhino!

And to top that, I mentioned it to a colleague of mine and the guy behind me stated that I might weigh the same as this rhino but I certainly wasn't as cute as her! How Rude!

On another note, have you ever been in a shop and felt a light, airey but silent popoff in your bum and thought, I could let this one go and no one would hear it because if feels silent and small, only to let it go and find it is in fact a loud, long and stinky FART. Well, that happened to me today in Target.

Yep, having a marvellous day today.

To Poo or not to Poo

When you go to the toilet to do a wee, do you ever have to coax that wee out? Like, you were needing to go to the loo but as soon as you sit down, the wee seems to get a bit shy and not want to come out?

This happens to me sometimes and I think of things like dripping taps or running waterfalls and that entices my wee to enter the toilet bowl.

Last night I was in the toilet and I did my wee (which didn’t need any further encouragement other than me sitting down) and it was then I decided to do a poop while I was there to save me having to come back later. Do you ever do that?

So anyway, I started my poop but obviously it hadn’t brewed enough and once I had done one nugget I found I was in a bit of a pickle. I had started something I wasn’t sure I could finish.

Then I started thinking of my clever techniques that I use to coax my pee pee out so I tried to think of something that would make the rest of my poop occur.

Do you know how hard that is? What does one think off? I can’t think of running water because that only works for wee’s. I started thinking of things that plop. I thought of a frog jumping from the side of a pond into the water and making a plop sound but then I got too focused on weather the frog could swim the whole way to the lily pad and then worried if it would drown. Do frogs even drown? So then I had in my mind all these birds dying in the sky and plopping into the ocean and by now I was so depressed I just wanted to go and talk to someone.

By now I had been on the toilet for quite some time and figured my poop was just not ready to occur and I could have in fact done a lot more things instead of sitting around thinking of dead frogs and birds falling from the sky. My original idea of saving time by doing a poop while I was already on the toilet backfired but not in the way I wanted ….

So I cleaned up (yoga style without hitting my head on the door) and as soon as I washed and dried my hands, wouldn’t ya know it, a little poop knocked on the door so back to the toilet I went, let my poops swim free and I was done for another day.

My lesson  here is to not try to save time by doing both at once when only one is calling because that leads to all sorts of trouble.

Violet

Hi Again.

Yes, I am still fat, stop asking!

Tonight is Friday night, my most favourite time of the week. Am enjoying a few alcoholic ciders on my own with a move and my dog. Now before you start harping on about fat in alcohol, let me tell you this. I have switched to a low sugar and low carb apple cider thank you very much.

And another thing... NO, I am not participating in Sober October, just like I didn't join in on Dry July. So shut up about all that.

Now, to the point of my story tonight.

It is bloody freezing where I am right now. I am at home but am suffering because boyfriend has manflu. Yep, am on my own in this very cold moment. No fire was roaring when I got home because HE is sick. HE is too weak to start the fire. Why didn't I do it? PFT, not my job.

So begins a story....

I was in my typical work clothes of pants and t-shirt (no, I do not wear corporate wear because I am too fat for it right now) and I decided the clothes I was wearing were way to light for the chilly temperatures I was dealing with. I found my dressing gown and snuggly wrapped myself into it. Aahh, I didn't need a man to light the fire for me at all, I had my big and fluffy purple dressing gown to warm me up.

So anyway, I had to pee, as one does when drinking the low sugar and low carb alcoholic apple cider and began my waddle down the hall way toward the toilet.

Now, my avid (and very strange) readers will know, there is a ginormous mirror at the end of my hallway. Let me tell you the image that reflected back at me.

Remember the movie of many names but some being .... Willy Wonka and the Golden Ticket or, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Well, I looked like that chick at I think was called Violet...

A Big Round Purple Body with a little pin head at the top and little feet at the bottom. A HUGE round purple (violet) belly was what I saw waddling (very quickly due to the amount of this low sugar and low carb cider) down the hallway!

Starting tomorrow, I am going to seriously spend some time considering the quickest and easiest way to not look like that purple girl in that movie !

cross your little fat fingers for me people!!